


The Collaborator

by Kharina



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Gen, References to Addiction, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2018-10-18 12:36:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 49,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10617057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kharina/pseuds/Kharina
Summary: Grief is never easy. But what happens when the person you're grieving for is an alien invader and the anniversary of their death is a cause for celebration for everyone else on the planet? This story explores the life of a voluntary host five years after the war, whose Yeerk was one of the seventeen thousand aboard the Pool ship.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Animorphs, or I would write some new books!
> 
> A/N: Posting this as a bit of a trial run of an idea that popped into my head. I do have a few more chapters written and will likely continue if there is some interest :)

“This your first tattoo, then?” 

Carla nodded nervously, glancing around the interior of the tattoo parlour. She’d been in one once before, with her uncle, but she’d been a very small child at the time. It was nicer than she’d expected: pictures of the previous work of the artist decorated the walls, and everything looked clean. That was reassuring. 

“So, just an S? What kind of design?”

Carla shrugged. “Don’t really care, ‘long as it’s small.” She could not afford much, and besides, anything bigger than half an inch or so would struggle to fit.

“Well, I’m happy to work with you on that. I’ve got loads of different styles of text you can use, and we can always add some little details around it-“

“I just want the letter, thanks,” Carla said quickly. “Plain black is fine.”

The guy opposite her seemed to deflate a little at that. His taste wasn’t only displayed on the walls: she could see tattoos running up his arms as well. They were nice though, unique. Not like her uncle, she remembered, who’d mainly gone for as big as possible in order to look tough. Carla guessed he’d been hoping for something a little more artistic than a single black letter, but that would be all he was going to put on her.

“Well, you can have a think about it if you want, for a few days. Then you can come back and discuss it, and then once I’ve made the transfer we’ll be good to go.”

Carla nodded. “I just want a small, plain black ‘S’. That’s all. Should be nice and quick, right?”

He nodded. “Sure. You haven’t told me where on your body you were thinking.”

Carla tensed. This was the part she had been dreading.

“If you’re hesitating because it’s somewhere embarrassing, don’t. I’ve done enough tattoos by now to have done a few in fairly private places. We’ve got a separate room, if you felt more comfortable getting it done in there. I’m afraid we only have guys here, though, so if that’s a problem you might have to go elsewhere. But I can recommend you a good female artist.”

Carla shook her head. “I don’t need any of that. I want it on my ear. My right ear, that is.”

The tattoo artist frowned at her, bewildered. Carla tried not to look like she was holding her breath. Would he work it out? When he spoke, though, his voice was professional. “OK. Well, I can see why it’ll be relatively small, then. Whereabouts exactly on your ear?”

It was easier to gesture this than explain it, so Carla pushed back her hair and pulled down the top tip of her ear, folding down the flexible cartilage to expose the skin behind. “There,” she said, pointing.

“There? You sure?” He was frowning at her, clearly bewildered. 

Carla nodded. “Yes.”

“Erm, but…” he hesitated. The professionalism he’d been showing so far was ebbing, a sure sign that she’d managed to surprise him. “No-one will see it.”

“You must have done other tattoos that people usually don’t see. Besides, I don’t want anyone to see it.”

“You could put it somewhere where it’d be covered by your clothes.”

Carla shook her head. “No-one can know it’s there.” She watched the man’s eyes carefully, searching them for any hint of suspicion. It seemed that the location of her tattoo was odd to him, but he didn’t seem to suspect who it was commemorating. Good.

The artist shrugged. “OK. Well, if that’s what you want.” 

With no further ado, the artist moved on to arrange a suitable date, and Carla felt some of the tension leave her shoulders. This was risky, she knew, but she had to do it. Or at least, she had to do something to commemorate her… Carla still didn’t know what the right word was. Friend? Surrogate parent? Sister? Soulmate- platonic, of course? None of them adequately described the relationship she had had with Silrin. No human relationship had the level of intimacy that existed between a Yeerk and a host, voluntary or otherwise. Losing her… it was like losing a part of herself.

Carla shook her head slightly to clear it, returning her focus to what the man opposite her was saying. “Sure, that works fine,” she said, and stood up quickly, eager to be alone… well, eager to be away from other humans for a while, anyway. She still couldn’t get used to being alone. “I’ll see you then.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Sausage and egg McMuffin and black coffee.” The man was dressed in a business suit and looked at Carla like she was a ship’s computer, not a human being. Not that Carla cared, particularly.

“Coming right up,” she said, smiling at the man anyway as she told him the price. Never hurt to be polite to people, however rude they were. Sometimes they started being polite back, but most of the time not. She passed his order onto Sandra in the back, who got on with making it, and turned to the next person in line, her eyes skimming over the clock on the back wall. Eight am. They'd opened at five, which meant she’d left the house at four to get here by four thirty. And she’d still only done three hours of her shift: she didn’t finish till 1pm, theoretically. It’d probably be two by the time she actually got to leave, and Carla was interminably bored. It’d have been immeasurably better with Silrin to talk to, but Carla quickly forced that thought down. On this little sleep, she’d start feeling teary if she thought about that. Not that she’d show it, of course.

She gave a broad grin to the next customer in line, a young woman with shadows under her eyes. Looked like Carla wasn’t the only one running on no sleep. “Hi there, what can I get for you?”

Unlike the man before her, this girl looked at Carla, but she definitely wasn’t going to be polite. Anger was burning in her eyes. “I want to see your manager,” she said coldly.

Carla wondered what on Earth she could possibly have done, given that she’d only said one sentence to the girl, but kept the smile on her face anyway. “Sure, no problem.” Carla looked apologetically at the rest of the queue before walking through the kitchen and into the very back, searching, as the woman had requested, for the manager that day.

“Hey, Mark,” she said once she found him. “Sorry, there’s a customer asking to see you.”

Mark gave a heavy sigh. “Fuck it, Carla, you think I have all the time in the world to clean up after you when you screw up?”

Mark was generally grumpy, but particularly so when the hour was in single figures. “Sorry,” Carla repeated, and turned round to go back out to the front, confident he would follow her.

“You’re not even gonna tell me what it’s about?”

Carla shrugged. “Dunno. I only said about four words to her.” It might not be about her at all, anyway, Carla thought. Could be something that happened another day.

The woman’s expression when they reappeared, however, put paid to those thoughts.

“Are you aware,” the woman asked Mark, without any preamble and far louder than necessary, so that the people around them started to stare, “that you’re employing a filthy collaborator?”

Carla felt the blood drain from her face. Shit. Shit. She hadn’t recognised the woman, but that didn’t mean anything. She’d always looked away from the cages when she passed them, to reduce the guilt she felt, and Silrin had honoured her wishes and never looked at them either once she was back in control… God, she’d been stupid not to realise this had to happen someday.

“What? I don’t get you,” Mark said.

“I used to be a Yeerk’s slave,” the woman spat. “And I recognise her, because I watched her walk past my cage and let one of the filthy slugs slither into her head, willingly. She’s a traitor, she’s a voluntary.” The woman gave the word voluntary the same inflection most people would reserve to say ‘Nazi’.

Mark looked shocked. “You must have made a-“

“Don’t you dare tell me I’ve made a mistake,” she snarled. “I saw her regularly. I know her face.”

Mark turned to Carla. “Is this true?”

Carla shrugged. “I don’t know if she saw me,” she said, playing for time.

At the look on his face, however, she quickly added: “Yes. Yes, it’s true I was a willing host.” Carla couldn’t stand there and deny directly that she’d wanted Silrin there. No matter what the consequences, she wasn’t willing to do that.

There was an outbreak of muttering down the line, and Carla could feel hostile stares piercing her. She forced herself not to look down at the floor she knew so well from sweeping up other people’s mess at the end of her shifts, and to meet Mark’s dark brown eyes.

Mark’s face was twisted up in anger. “My sister was a Controller,” he spat. “She’s screwed up, she still can’t sleep properly, nightmares every night.”

“Believe me, I have plenty of nightmares,” Carla said quietly.

Mark turned away from her. “Get out. You can keep your fucking uniform, I never want to see you again.”

“Are you firing me?”

“Of course I’m firing you, you fucking bitch!”

Carla reached up to wipe his spit from her face, her hand shaking slightly. But her voice, when she used it again, was steady. “On what grounds? I don’t think you can legally-“

“Well, sue me, if you can find any money.”

“But-“

“I earn decent money,” the woman interrupted. “If she tries anything, I’ll pay for a good lawyer. Not that I think any judge in their right mind would sympathise with someone like her. And you,” the woman snarled at her, “use some of that toadying subservience you showed the filthy slugs and do what he says.”

Carla felt her heart racing, realising she probably didn’t have a chance at reversing this dismissal. She could go over Mark’s head, of course, but she didn’t think she’d find any more sympathy there, and this woman was probably right about the judges, unless she was lucky and landed one who had been a voluntary themselves. She knew such people existed, she’d even met them, but Mark was right, she had no money to pay a lawyer. And she wasn’t sure if they covered voluntary hosts under equal opportunities legislation. Probably not, come to think of it.

“Fine,” Carla said shortly. “I’m going to pick up my stuff.”

Sandra gave her a vague, uncertain smile as she went back through the kitchen, but avoided her eyes. Carla guessed she’d heard the whole thing, and appreciated the gesture, as it was the only semi-friendly face she’d seen, but knew it was just that, a gesture. Sandra was far too shy and anxious to come to Carla’s defence, even if she wanted to.

Carla slipped out of the back door and pulled up the hood of her sweater as she crossed the parking lot, trying to push away her anxieties about what she would do for money, glancing around to check no-one was following her. She’d been attacked by former involuntaries before and it was not a nice experience. Well, I was wrong when I thought today was gonna be boring, she thought to herself, and bit her lip as the seconds that would once have contained Silrin’s answering laugh ticked by in silence.


	3. Chapter 3

“The big news today, of course, is the five-year anniversary of victory,” bubbled the enthusiastic breakfast show host. “Stay tuned, later today we’ll be bringing you live coverage of the victory events, where Marco Garcia, Cassie Williams and, it’s rumoured, even Jake Berenson will be appearing to commemorate their incredible-“

“Oh, fuck OFF!” Carla snarled as she hit the off button, far harder than necessary. She’d turned the TV on through force of habit, not thinking about what she was likely to see and hear today. 

Five years. Five Earth years, three point seven Yeerk years… however you thought of it, the passage of time hadn’t seemed to lessen Carla’s grief. She wanted nothing more than to stay in the apartment, dingy and cramped though it was, for the entire day and pretend the outside world didn’t exist, but if she didn’t get a new job soon she’d have no apartment to hide in. She’d already emptied every last scrap of food from the cupboards in an effort to save as much money for rent as she could. Lunch yesterday had been canned soup and stale crackers. Dinner had been nothing.

Carla’d tried everywhere she could think of to look for work, but the woman who’d confronted her in McDonald’s had seemingly found out her name and taken the trouble to warn as many fast-food restaurants as she could about her. Not that it mattered, really, as without a reference it was near impossible to find work, and Mark had of course refused to give her one.

Carla’d saved a few dollars for the bus fare to the next town, in hope that she’d have better luck there, so she dressed with particular care, before drinking three glasses of water in defence against the gnawing sensation of hunger in the pit of her stomach. It was a sensation she’d felt often in the days before she’d joined the Sharing, but the cider and whisky she’d been drinking so frequently that she may as well have had them on an intravenous drip had numbed it somewhat. She hadn’t touched the stuff in seven years. Despite her grief, her loneliness, the pointlessness that her existence now seemed to tend towards, Carla’d never been able to get the first calming drop past her lips. She’d stood in stores staring at the lines of bottles, occasionally picking one up, but she always went and put it back before the checkout. Something in her couldn’t stand the thought of how disappointed, how hurt, Silrin would be to see her fall back into her old ways. The fact that her Yeerk had been dead for five years to the day just didn’t seem to register with that part of her mind. Which was probably a good thing, she supposed.

The bus was crowded, rattly and hot. Despite the discomfort, there was an aura of joy hanging over just about everyone else there. All Carla seemed to be able to hear were conversations about the victory anniversary celebrations or about how great the Animorphs were. At one point she had to restrain herself from punching a man who she overheard gushing about how wonderful Jake Berenson was. In her eyes, he was nothing more than a mass murderer.

Eventually, the bus drew up at her stop and she stepped down onto the tarmac, already radiating waves of heat despite the early morning hour. Carla began automatically to scan for any businesses that might conceivably take her resume.

It was a long, hot search, trudging wearily from place to place. Most of the time, she was told there was no work. Occasionally someone would show some interest, only to withdraw that interest when they saw she had no references from her last job. Four bloody years at that place and nothing to show for it.

Carla had just about given up when she spotted a small coffee shop, its windows temptingly dressed with cupcakes, cakes and pastries of every shape and hue. 

‘No harm in trying,’ Carla thought, though that was not strictly true. She lived in constant fear of being recognised as a voluntary. She didn’t know how the newly nothlit Yeerks were surviving, people must hate them even more than they hated her… though perhaps not. Humans were far from logical creatures.

A small bell tinkled as she entered the shop, and a few customers glanced up at her before returning to their conversations. She walked up to the counter and waited for the woman there to finish making a latte and pass it to a young mother, whose buggy was parked at a table a short distance away.

The woman behind the counter had long, dark hair and olive skin that made her look Hispanic, but her eyes were a deep blue, and wore a surprised, almost startled expression in those first few instants. However, the woman quickly composed her face and smiled warmly at Carla.

“How can I help, honey?” she asked.

“I’m looking for a job,” Carla said, trying to sound more positive than she felt. She was a little nervous about the woman’s expression on first seeing her, and briefly wondered if she might be a former involuntary, but she did not seem angry now and Carla was pretty sure that if she was angry enough to attack her she’d be able to see some sign of it in the woman’s face. Instead she seemed friendly, almost overly so, as though they already knew each other. 

“OK,” the woman said, smiling gently at her again. “I’m actually the manager here, so that was perfect timing. Just hold on a minute while I get someone to take over.”

She called through into the back, and a tall, bearded man emerged, who she asked to watch the counter for a while. Then she beckoned to Carla, who followed her through the small kitchen into a crowded office at the back, containing only one chair.

“Please, sit down.” She gestured at the chair, then closed the door and settled herself cross-legged on the floor.

Carla reached into her bag. “Here’s my resume,” she said. “I’ve got quite a few years’ experience working in food service-” she broke off when she saw the other woman raise a hand.

“Please, hold on a moment. My name is Alniss seven-five-four of the Gurat Hesh pool. And, if I’m not very much mistaken, you’re Carla… Silrin six-nine-three’s Carla?”

Carla stared in shocked silence for a few moments.

“I was the Hork-Bajir that used to talk to you… well, to Silrin… in the feeding line. Silrin and I synchronised our schedules to try and stay in touch after she was promoted. I don’t know if you remember…”

Carla’s shock subsided a little, and she began to feel a slight bubbling of relief and joy. She hadn’t spoken to a Yeerk in five years. They’d only been given permission to make themselves nothlits fourteen months ago, and she hadn’t tried to contact any, not knowing who or where they were. “No, I remember you, I- it’s just that you surprised me.”

Alniss nodded. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Are you alright? Is there anything you need… well, apart from the job, of course, that’s a given.”

Carla frowned. She knew what Yeerks were like. “Do you actually need someone? Can you afford to employ me?”

“I’ll manage somehow. I set this café up, I own it.” Alniss gestured dismissively with her hand, ad though the cost of taking on an unnecessary staff member for an indeterminate length of time was as insignificant as ordering a few too many pints of milk.

“You must have taken out a loan,” Carla argued. “You have repayments to keep up, you can’t just magic up a job out of nowhere.” Carla’s stomach chose that moment to let out a loud growl. Brilliant.

Carla felt a sinking sensation as she saw Alniss’ eyebrows raise. Alniss was bound to figure out now how desperate her situation was, and Carla could tell Alniss would never let her leave here without doing something if she knew. Carla didn’t want to ruin the Yeerk’s business, she must have had a real struggle to get here in the fourteen months she’d had in her new body.

“We’ve got sandwiches, bagels, soup or baked potatoes, which do you want?”

“I can’t pay you,” Carla began to protest.

Alniss shifted her position so she was kneeling up, and took one of Carla’s hands, running her thumb along the back of her wrist. Her clear blue eyes bored into Carla’s brown.

“You gave my sister your senses and your body willingly for two years, and you think you owe me something? Please, I can’t let you leave here without at least giving you a decent meal.” 

Carla nodded, her throat tight. “OK. Soup, then, please.”

“Did you go for that because you think it’s going to be the cheapest item on the menu?”

Carla gave a rueful smile. “Caught me. A bagel, then, if you’re sure-“

Alniss sprung to her feet. “Come on in to the kitchen, you can choose what you want.”

Carla followed Alniss through to the kitchen. The Yeerk donned a protective apron and hat and began piling a bagel with such massive portions of cold ham and cheese that Carla felt she’d never manage to fit it into her mouth. Three types of salad were added to the side of the plate before Alniss passed it to her. 

“Bring it out to the front, it’s much nicer in there,” Alniss commanded. “I make fresh orange juice every day if you want some.”

Carla’d run out of juice three weeks ago. “That sounds amazing. Thanks.”

They emerged from the kitchen behind the counter, and Carla’s eyes strayed inadvertently to the cakes standing temptingly in the display cabinet. She could have kicked herself as Alniss followed the direction of her gaze and immediately picked up a plate. “Which? We’ve got chocolate, carrot, red velvet, caramel or lemon.”

“Personally I’d recommend the red velvet,” the man from earlier said with a smile.

“That’s Tafnik,” Alniss muttered into Carla’s ear as she cut her what seemed like a quarter of the red velvet cake. “I’ll introduce you properly later. Out here I’m Alicia, and he’s Nick.”

Carla nodded understandingly as she took her plate. “Thank you… thanks, thanks so much, I-“

“You’re welcome, now go and eat,” Alniss said with a wave of her hand in the direction of one of the tables.

The food was delicious, even allowing for the extra enthusiasm that not eating in over twenty-four hours brought to the meal. Carla ate quickly, soon scraping the plate where the bagel had sat clean and draining the juice before turning to the cake. 

“Coffee?” Alniss called from the counter.

Carla nodded. “Thanks.”

The red velvet cake more than lived up to Tafnik’s recommendation, and despite its size Carla soon found herself scraping up the last few crumbs. Alniss smiled at her as she took the empty plates and placed a pot of coffee on the table.

“Better?”

“Much. Thank you.” Carla poured some coffee from the pot into the cup.

“When did you last eat?” Alniss asked concernedly, sliding into the seat opposite her. 

Carla glanced around the café, and saw only a couple of customers remained. No wonder: her eyes took in the clock on the wall. Four-thirty.

Alniss followed the direction of her gaze. “We’ll close when they leave,” she said. “You must have had a long day.”

“I dropped my resume off in twenty places. Well, tried to, anyway, most of them gave it straight back.”

Alniss frowned. “Why? Surely some of them must have had work, or would at least keep it on file in case…”

“Did you look at it?” Carla asked, smiling slightly in satirical amusement. It had got to the point where it was either laugh or cry, and with a good meal inside her and someone finally, properly listening to her for the first time in years, she was more inclined to laugh.

“I don’t need to look at it. I’ve told you I’ll take you.”

“You don’t have any work to offer me, Alicia. You’ll end up destroying your business if-“

Alniss held up a hand, and Carla closed her mouth deferentially.

“Let me make this quite clear. You are not leaving here until I know you’re going to be safe and secure, at least financially. Let me worry about the business.”

“It’s an hour away from where I live,” Carla protested, beginning to scrape the barrel for excuses.

“That didn’t stop you looking for work here.”

“Yeah, well, I literally have about five dollars left and my rent’s due next week. At this point I’d go to bloody Mexico if I had to.”

Alniss’ forehead crinkled and her eyebrows and lips drew down at the corners. “Oh, Carla,” she murmured.

Carla felt Alniss take hold of the hand that was resting on the tabletop, and had to fight down the wave of emotion she suddenly felt.

“That still doesn’t mean you can help me. You can’t just pay another salary from nowhere.”

Alniss squeezed her hand. “Come home with us tonight. I’ll talk to the others and we… we’ll sort something out. We can at least provide you with somewhere to sleep until you can find work.”

“Aln- Alicia, no.” Carla realised how defiant and ungrateful that sounded, and hastened to modify it. “I- I mean-”

She felt Alniss run her thumb up and down her palm in silent reassurance. “Please. Please let me help you. I don’t think you know how much you did for my sister.”

“But-”

“I’ve already given up on just straight-up giving you a job,” Alniss countered. “Unless you change your mind, of course. You could at least meet me halfway. Let me make sure you’ve somewhere to live.”

“I shouldn’t have told you I only had five dollars,” Carla muttered to herself.

Alniss smiled. “Is that a yes?”

“For now,” Carla sighed, giving up. Yeerks could be so bloody stubborn… but she couldn’t pretend she wasn’t happy about it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I posted this once before I realised I'd let a Britishism slip in by putting 'block of flats' where I think the correct American phrase would be 'apartment block'. I am from the UK but obviously all my characters are either American or Yeerks who have spent their time on Earth exclusively in America, so please feel free to let me know if any of my terms for things don't quite fit. (Spellings excepted as I do plan to use British spellings like colour etc.)

About fifteen minutes later, Alniss shut the door behind the last customer to leave and turned the sign so the ‘Closed’ faced outward. Carla, who had been watching her, collected her coffee cup and got to her feet.

“D’you want a hand clearing up?”

Alniss turned towards her, a little surprised. “You really don’t need to, you know.”

“Can I, though?”

At Alniss’ nod, Carla balanced the milk jug in the cup and picked the coffee jug up in the same hand, before moving to other tables and beginning to stack plates together. A few moments later, she moved towards the kitchen with all the dishes balanced in her hand, deftly opening the swinging door with one hip.

“I definitely don’t need to look at that resume now,” Alniss said with a smile, heading to the counter to pick up a cloth and some spray. Tafnik, who was sorting out the coffee machine, glanced over.

“Is she going to be working here?”

Alniss shook her head. “No.”

“Is she one of us?” 

“No… well, sort of. She was my schrellie’s host. Voluntary.”

Tafnik made a noise of instant understanding. “Ah, I understand now. I assume you offered her work and she refused?”

Alniss nodded. “She realised I probably couldn’t afford the salary. She’s not wrong, but I’d do it somehow. She’ll be coming home with us tonight, if that’s alright with you? I thought between us all we could at least give her somewhere to stay.”

Tafnik nodded enthusiastically. “Of course we can.”

Alniss heard the slight creak as the door swung open again, and turned to Carla with a smile. “Thanks.”

“I rinsed them and put them in the dishwasher,” Carla said. “It looked pretty clean in there otherwise: anything else I can do?”

Tafnik shook his head. “I think we’re about done.”

“Carla, this is Tafnik eight-eight-three of the Hett Simplatt pool. Tafnik, Carla Roberts, my sister Silrin’s host. Sadly…” Alniss paused for a second, trying to keep her composure. “… Silrin was one of those lost from the Pool ship.”

“They can’t stop talking about that murdering bastard today,” Carla spat harshly, taking Alniss by surprise.

“Jake Berenson?” Tafnik guessed.

Carla’s face seemed trapped between two primal expressions: intense anger and deep, biting sadness. While her teeth were gritted, her eyes narrowed and the top of her nose wrinkled in anger, Alniss could see that her eyes were damp.

“Oh, honey,” she whispered, reaching to wrap her arms around Carla’s shoulders. She felt the host tense momentarily under her hands, but then suddenly she was hugging her back, holding on with an intenseness that surprised Alniss. Her sobs suddenly began to come thick and fast, her head buried into Alniss’ shoulder. It was like she hadn’t had a shoulder to cry on in years… which Alniss realised was probably true, at least about this. How many humans would understand this grief? Would she dare even reveal that part of her history to any of them?

Alniss reached up a hand to stroke the bushy, dark hair on the girl’s head, trying to hold back her own tears. She missed her sister, but knew without a shadow of a doubt that Silrin would have wanted only the best for this human, and that included holding it together to give her the space to express her grief. 

A few minutes later, Carla pulled back and wiped her eyes. She looked down at the ground. “Sorry.”

Alniss shook her head. “There’s no need to say that.” She hesitated before speaking again, unsure if her thoughts would be welcomed. “It seems like that’s been building up for a while. Have you… have you had anyone to talk to?”

Carla snorted. “Oh yeah, that’d go down well. ‘I hate your hero because he murdered my friend… yes she was a Yeerk… well, yes I suppose I am a traitor to my species but given how useless my species is that’s not very surprising, is it… what do you mean get out of your sight?”

Alniss glanced at Tafnik, uncertain how to respond to Carla’s bitter tone. Alniss knew that independent counsellors existed, that there were anonymous helplines and probably a fair few ordinary humans who would be willing to try to listen. Humans were widely differentiated and responded in a myriad of different ways to a given situation. That was often true even within the same human, she’d heard. And of course, there were plenty of other ex-voluntaries around. She doubted it was the right moment to point any of this out to Carla, though, who still wore an expression that was half furious, half teary.

“Maybe it’s time we headed home,” Tafnik said softly.

“How far is it?”

“Ten minutes’ walk from here, then a half-hour bus ride,” Alniss answered, feeling she was on firmer territory.

“Brilliant.”

Carla still sounded bitter and sarcastic, making Alniss look at her in puzzlement. “What’s wrong with that?”

Carla curled her lip. “There’ll be humans. You haven’t experienced victory day celebrations yet, have you?”

“No,” Alniss admitted. She’d morphed permanently thirteen months ago, but on last year’s anniversary it had been recommended that they stay inside, and as it had been a Sunday Alniss had had no reason to go against that advice.

“You do realise you are a human?” Tafnik pointed out amusedly. 

Carla gave him a glare, but there was a slight smile tugging at the edge of her lips. Phew. Alniss hadn’t been quite sure how that comment would be received.

“Only because I can’t help it.”

Tafnik laughed. “What would you rather be, if you could pick? Please don’t say Andalite, I don’t think I can let you in the house if that’s the case.”

Carla shrugged. “Dunno. Yeerk, maybe.”

“It’s really not much fun, you know.” Alniss lifted her bag from beneath the counter and slung it over her shoulder, before turning to switch the coffee machine off at the wall and sweeping her eyes across the café to check for any jobs that had been missed. “I’d go for Hork-Bajir. Well, at least until we turned up, and the Andalites released that quantum virus.”

“I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be Skrit Na,” Tafnik said with a grin. “Purely to find out what goes on in their heads. The things they do are just bizarre.”

“Aren’t they the flying-saucer aliens?” Carla asked as they approached the door. 

Alniss nodded. “I believe so. They’re certainly the most likely to have had contact with humans, they like to kidnap other races for no real reason that I can make out.” She waited for the other two to step out before reaching to lock the pale green door behind her.

Carla was right, the street was crowded with humans in an exuberant mood. Alniss suspected there was some event on somewhere, as many of the humans seemed to be heading in the same direction. There were a lot of children with their faces painted as tigers, bears, wolves, gorillas and Andalites, and many of the adults were wearing T-shirts emblazoned with the Animorphs’ names. Alniss also saw quite a few T-shirts with the script ‘Free or Dead’ written across the front, which she suspected belonged to former involuntaries. The strangest thing, though, were headbands with what appeared to be two blue stalk eyes sticking out of the top.

“The Andalites were going to fry the planet from space,” Tafnik whispered. “Why in the Kandrona’s name…”

“Say ‘why on Earth’, you idiot!” Carla hissed back. “Do you want to get beaten up?”

Tafnik raised his eyebrows, but didn’t speak again. Alniss felt tenser than she’d ever been moving around on Earth, as they wove through the crowds. Part of this was the victory celebrations, but it was also the knowledge that they had Carla with them. While Alniss’ morph was indistinguishable from any other human, Carla could easily be recognised by a former host with a grudge. In this kind of atmosphere… Alniss shuddered to think of it.

It seemed to take an hour to reach the bus stop, despite it only being a few minutes’ walk away. The shelter was, thankfully, almost empty, though the three of them could see a never-ending stream of humans walking past. It seemed that most people were heading into town rather than out of it today, though, and for that Alniss was grateful.

When the bus finally arrived, it was also quieter than usual, though it bore the signs of having been busy earlier on its route, as scattered food wrappers and a few paper flags, including the new Earth flag, littered the floor. The flag featured the planet itself against a backdrop of stars, surrounded by a circle of people of all colours holding hands. Alniss hoped there’d been some sort of elementary school competition to design it, because frankly it seemed like something a child would produce. Of course, the humans had to have a flag even though no other species did. Alniss vaguely wondered what a Yeerk flag might look like. Most likely a picture of Kandrona, she reflected. That would hardly be any more original than the humans’, though at least a little more honest. Yeerks truly did hold their sun in reverence and relied on it to live, while Alniss had never seen such an even mix of human ethnicities outside a Sharing meeting. 

The thought of the Sharing made Alniss glance across at Carla, who was sitting huddled against the window next to her, the hood of her sweater pulled up and her eyes staring at the floor as though the Hershey’s wrapper lying there was the most interesting thing she’d ever seen.

“You OK, honey?”

Carla nodded without looking up. She seemed to keep a low profile almost instinctively, and Alniss felt a twist of tenderness and guilt in her gut. Maybe she should have looked for her when she’d been given her nothlit form, checked she was OK. That would have been the first thing Silrin did, if she’d been able. Alniss swallowed hard: it wouldn’t do to seem unhappy today, it would get them the wrong kind of attention.

The three of them were silent for the rest of the journey, until Tafnik warned Carla that they were nearly at the stop.

“It’s only five minutes from here,” Alniss said as she stepped off the bus. Next to the bus stop there was a small patch of grass that seemed to generate its own litter: no matter how often Alniss picked it up, more always appeared the next day. She grabbed a few chip wrappers to put in the bin, located only fifty yards down the street, but there was also a broken beer bottle, which she was forced to leave for fear of cutting herself on the glass. Why humans did things like this, when they were granted such beauty, was something she would never understand.

“You oughta be careful, doing that,” Carla said tentatively. “There could be anything down there. Dog shit, dirty needles.”

“That’s kind of you,” said Alniss, slightly touched. “But I’m sure I’ll be fine. We’re this way.”

Alniss and Tafnik led Carla through a narrow alleyway, covered in graffiti and scattered with yet more litter, and turned right down the next street towards a shabby apartment block. The elevator inside was permanently broken, but Alniss would have taken the stairs anyway: exercise was important. 

“This is nearly as nice as my apartment,” Carla muttered sarcastically, then seemed to realise she’d spoken aloud. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“

Alniss smiled in a manner she hoped was reassuring. “Don’t worry, we know it’s not the most pleasant of environments, but it’s better than nothing. It’s only until you find new work.”

“They should have given you guys somewhere better to live.”

“While there are still humans living in places like this, and worse?” Tafnik shook her head. “Hardly seems fair somehow. We’re very lucky to have been given bodies, it’s far more than I would ever dare to have hoped for.”

Alniss nodded in agreement as she reached the door. “Welcome, anyway,” she said to Carla before reaching to unlock it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has left kudos/comments so far. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

The Yeerks’ apartment was a sharp contrast to the dilapidated, depressing atmosphere of the stairwell. The tiny hallway was lined with mirrors, posters and pictures, covering most of the surface in a way that would probably make an interior designer cringe. Carla smiled slightly to herself. Even if she’d not known who this place belonged to, she could probably have guessed. She knew how Silrin would have reacted if given a space of her own to decorate how she saw fit. There was still a disco ball hanging from the centre of Carla’s ceiling that spun light from the windows onto the walls in patterns her Yeerk had found endlessly fascinating. As Carla lived alone and had no real friends outside the Sharing, Silrin had never had to worry too much about maintaining her cover at home. 

Carla was jerked out of her thoughts by Alniss’ voice inviting her through to the living room. Crammed into the room were two big sofas, which were covered in colourful blankets, rugs and cushions. Posters lined the walls here too, mostly of beautiful natural scenery with the occasional artwork. The room also contained an open-plan kitchen area at one end, where a young woman with blonde hair and olive skin was busy rolling out tortillas.

“Ilsh’na.” The woman looked up with a smile as they entered, her eyes landing on Carla before she abruptly switched to English. “Good day?”

“Eventful,” Alniss responded, returning the smile. “Kalran, this is Carla Roberts, ish’ allok’ a’ Silrin, ka schrellie. Carla - Kalran 553 of the Sulp Niar pool. You don’t mind if she stays for dinner?”

Kalran’s eyes turned to look at her, but Carla felt none of the tension that close scrutiny would usually provoke, as the Yeerk was smiling openly. Carla wasn’t quite sure of the meaning of everything Alniss had said: she recognised schrellie, which was a verbal Yeerkish word indicating a close sibling, but she didn’t know the rest of it. She assumed it probably meant ‘host’, or maybe voluntary host.

“Of course you can,” Kalran said. “Can I offer you a drink?”

Carla nodded.

“We’ve got tea, coffee, orange juice, beer, cider, milk or water.”

“Just water, please. Erm… alcohol’s really not a good idea, I, er-”

“Would you rather I never offer you any again?”

Carla nodded. “That’d be best.”

The water was ice cold and beautifully refreshing after the hot bus ride. Carla felt like she was letting out a breath she’d been holding in for months as she settled onto one of the sofas. It was squashier than you might expect a brand new one to be, but no less comfortable for that, especially given the number of blankets and cushions that had been piled onto it.

A few minutes later, an Asian man in a business suit and a tall black woman came into the room, who were introduced as Menhal 624 and Hallim 709 respectively. Both greeted Carla warmly, and seemed perfectly happy about the idea of a stranger, a human, staying to dinner. Yeerks were much more helpful than humans in that regard… and most others, Carla thought.

“So,” Menhal asked, settling himself on one of the other sofas. “How’ve you been doing since the war? Are you alright?”

Carla winced a little, glancing at Alniss. She wasn’t sure that the other Yeerks’ hospitality would extend to having her stay for an indeterminate period.

“Actually, that’s something we all need to talk about,” Alniss said. “I think Carla could use some help.”

Kalran, who was currently frying onions, chicken and peppers, looked over. “Anything.”

The other Yeerks made similar noises of assent as Alniss explained the situation. In only the few minutes it took Kalran to finish the fajitas, all five Yeerks had agreed to the plan without Carla even having to say a word. It was refreshing after two months spent fighting for work, struggling to persuade people to take her on without a reference and trying to work out how much she could ration her food without hunger becoming painful. Carla was slightly proud she’d made her savings last as long as they had after she’d lost her job, but it was wonderful to surrender and let someone else solve her problems for a while. The only thing that stopped her from closing her eyes in blissful relaxation was a lingering sense of guilt about invading these Yeerks’ lives.

Carla reached out to take the plate Kalran offered her. “Thanks,” she said softly. “So much.”

“No worries,” Kalran responded, settling herself next to Carla and picking up her own plate. “What’re your views on all this, anyway? You haven’t said a word.”

“I…” Carla hesitated. “I just want to be sure you’re all OK with it. I keep feeling like it’s too much to ask.”

“I’m very happy to do it, if it’s what you need. There’s no need to feel guilty.”

“Of course there isn’t,” Hallim interjected. “Don’t forget that Yeerks and humans have very different ideas about the concepts of personal space and privacy. We’re used to being surrounded by others all the time, and having no space that’s solely our own. Do you think six human strangers would find it easy to live amicably in an apartment this small?”

“No,” Carla admitted. “Wait, six? There’re five of you.”

“Jilran used to live here, as well. She moved a few months ago so she could share a place with her mates- her tripartite, that is, if you know what that is- like a human couple, but involving three people.”

“Yes, I know.”

“So you see, we’ve already got an extra space: there’s a spare bed in my room,” Alniss said. “So there’s really no need to worry.”

“But Jilran would’ve paid rent, and I can’t.”

“Funnily enough, the air molecules currently occupying that bed haven’t offered to pay their share either,” Tafnik said. “I’ve been meaning to talk to them about it, actually. The cheek!”

Carla and a few of the others laughed, which dissipated the slightly awkward mood. Carla picked up her knife and fork and began to eat. The food was so delicious that despite eating a large meal only an hour and a half ago, she managed to finish it all, and was immediately offered more.

“No, no thanks. It’s delicious, but Alniss made me the biggest lunch I’ve ever eaten. I can’t fit anything else in.”

Having declined dessert, being literally unable to eat another thing, Carla sat nursing a cup of tea in her hands as the five Yeerks settled themselves on the sofas around her.

“Should we brave the news?” Hallim asked.

Carla tensed, something that was clearly not missed by Alniss, who was sitting beside her.

“It might be best to give it a miss,” Alniss said quietly. 

“They’ve been banging on about it for about a month already,” Carla muttered, bitterness and hatred filling her. She felt sick with rage every time she heard Jake Berenson’s name, and seeing his face almost made her want to punch through the television screen. It meant she didn’t watch the news much.

Kalran, who was on the sofa opposite, shifted a little, her expression anxious. 

“Maybe we should watch a movie, then,” Menhal suggested. “Or play a game? Any preferences, Carla? Everything’s in that cupboard over there, if you want to have a look.”

“A movie sounds good. I don’t mind which, ‘long as it doesn’t have Marco Garcia in it. It’s a shame he’s in so much stuff, I woulda liked to see the new King Kong.”

“Apparently they’re remaking ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’,” Tafnik commented. “I’m hoping for a starring role with at least a million pound contract.”

Carla smiled, though it was tinged with bitterness. Tafnik reminded her of one of Silrin’s friends at the Sharing, who had the rare talent of being able to lighten any situation through humour. Carla wasn’t sure where he was, or whether he’d even survived.

Eventually, they settled on a light-hearted romantic comedy. After only half-an-hour, Carla began to feel increasingly sleepy. She’d had a lot of disturbed nights: loneliness and anxiety were always worst in the early hours, so whenever she awoke she would inevitably end up tossing and turning for hours in a stew of emotions. 

Carla fought her tiredness for about ten minutes, but eventually let herself nestle against Alniss’ shoulder.

“Do you want to finish this tomorrow?” Alniss asked her.

“No, you watch it,” Carla murmured. “I don’t mind falling asleep here”

“I really think bed might be better. Not that I mind being a pillow.”

Carla nodded and yawned, but didn’t move. She felt too lethargic to shift a single muscle.

“Come on,” Alniss said, shifting her shoulder to move Carla’s head slightly. “Let’s get you into bed.”

Carla followed Alniss back out into the narrow hallway, turning right towards a door at the end. 

“Our room,” Alniss said, showing Carla in.

Two single beds, a wardrobe and a chest of drawers were crammed into the small space, the two beds almost touching. One, with a purple cover, was almost directly beneath the window, while the other, which had sky-blue linen, was against the same wall as the door. Carla let her eyes stray to a picture of an African savannah under a bright blue sky, which was stuck to the wall at the foot of the beds, surrounded by other posters and photographs stuck haphazardly around it.

“You’re here for tonight,” Alniss said, pointing to the blue bed. Looking closer, Carla could see that a pair of pyjamas had been laid out on top of it. “If you want the window bed, we can maybe swap tomorrow?”

Carla shook her head. “This one’s fine. It looks really comfy.”

Alniss turned her head away while Carla changed, then showed her the bathroom, whose walls were painted a cheerful yellow. Alniss pulled a new, red toothbrush from a cupboard, and Carla cleaned her teeth quickly, exhausted and desperate for sleep.

The bed was even more comfortable than it looked, and Carla breathed a sigh of contentment as she slipped between the covers, her eyes closing in bliss.

“Do you want anything else?” Alniss asked her.

“Stay with me until I fall asleep?” Carla murmured, without opening her eyes.

“Of course I will,” Alniss whispered quietly.

Carla felt Alniss’s fingers touch her hairline, slowly stroking the wisps of hair back behind her ear. A sense of complete contentment stole over her, and it was only a few minutes before her breathing deepened and she slid into restful, dreamless sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few people were interested in finding out more about Carla and Alniss' backstories. Hopefully this chapter answers a few of those questions!

Two weeks later, Carla pushed her key into the door of the apartment, exhausted. She’d travelled to yet another town, this one an hour away, to hand out resumes, but no-one wanted an employee without references. They had the luxury of choosing: new technology from the Andalites, combined with that humanity had reverse-engineered from the Yeerks, was making a lot of people unemployed. True, it hadn’t affected the restaurant trade that much yet, but Carla was still competing with a spillover of retail workers, cleaners, factory workers… it made things difficult.

“Hey.” Alniss emerged from the living room. “Any luck?”

Carla shook her head morosely. “You don’t need a brain to infest, do you?” She joked flatly. “Or would you want references too?”

“I think I already had them.” Alniss’ voice was quiet, her tone almost mournful, making Carla immediately regret what she’d said. “Silrin thought a lot of you.”

Carla swallowed hard, trying to keep control of her expression. “I still don’t know why.”

Alniss frowned. “Don’t you? She said you were brave, strong, kind, funny…”

Carla snorted dismissively. “Oh, she told me all that, but I thought she was mad. Still do.”

“You don’t believe that she meant it? Let me put your mind to rest about that, Carla, because she said all this to me in the Pool, so it couldn’t have just been to…” Alniss trailed off, her voice hesitant.

“No, I know she meant it,” Carla said, shaking her head. “I could feel she meant it, whenever she said it. I just think she was wrong.”

“How could she possibly be wrong?”

Carla turned her head away, her eyes suddenly misted with tears, her fists clenched. “She called me strong when I was whimpering at her, begging her to let me go and buy some vodka. Even though I knew if I kept drinking like I had been I’d probably kill myself with it. Even though I’d joined the Sharing specifically to help me stop… and the Sharing wasn’t the first way I tried quitting, it was the fifth. It only worked because I had a mind-controlling alien in my brain that I knew would stop me if I actually tried to drink anything… well, apart from the controlled amounts they were giving me, at first. I was that bad that I’d have died if I’d tried to stop cold turkey. Now you tell me how anyone can look at that and say that’s strength. Silrin was more than wrong, she was completely insane… in a good way. I mean, I love her, but it didn’t make any sense.”

Alniss made a soft sound, somewhere between a sigh and a groan. “Maybe we should go and sit down for this.”

“It’s fine,” Carla said quickly. “We don’t need to talk about it. I shouldn’t have-”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Carla said, though inside she was wishing she hadn’t said anything. What had possessed her to splurge out a rant like that? She’d made Alniss feel uncomfortable, which was the last thing she wanted to do.

“You said Silrin ‘would’ have stopped you ‘if’ you’d tried to do anything. Did she ever actually have to?”

“Have to what?”

“Take control to hold you back. Did you ever physically try to go and drink?”

Carla shook her head. “No.”

“So you quit all by yourself. You didn’t need the mind-controlling alien.”

Carla laughed. “I didn’t quit by myself. She talked to me, distracted me, reminded me of all my reasons for trying to stop… I’d already tried by myself, and it didn’t work.”

“You still did it under your own willpower. She could have been another human and done all that.”

“She wouldn’t have noticed as early,” Carla argued. “She saw when I was feeling like I wanted it, she saw it before I did.”

“Okay, fair enough. But that’s all she did. And from that alone I agree with her. You got over that dependency all by yourself: that must take incredible strength.”

“I was the one that got myself hooked in the first place. It wasn’t like I didn’t know alcoholism existed. That was weak.”

Alniss sighed. “There’s no arguing with you, is there?”

Carla finally raised her eyes to meet Alniss’. “You sound exactly like her,” she said quietly, her voice cracking.

Alniss crossed the hallway in two strides, pulling Carla into a hug and kissing the top of her head. “I’m sorry.”

Carla could hear the tension in Alniss’ voice, as though she was holding back tears herself. “You must miss her too.”

She felt warm, wet teardrops begin to leak into her hair as the Yeerk’s arms tightened around her. Strangely, it seemed to make Carla feel a little stronger.

“She… she always looked forward to seeing you. Well, seeing probably isn’t the right word, but you know what I mean,” Carla said, attempting to return the comfort Alniss had been unquestioningly giving her for weeks now. 

“We were close,” Alniss said simply, pulling back a little so she could look at Carla.. “We were something called schrelna, it means the grubs we were born from were very close together, from the same part of our parents. The siblings who are closer to you in space tend to be more similar genetically, because of the way our reproduction works, so you also tend to be closer to them emotionally than you are to those that were born further away.”

Carla nodded. “Silrin told me. She used to tell me things like that when I couldn’t sleep… not because it was boring, but because it helped to calm me down. I was so interested in all of it that I forgot whatever was bothering me at the time.”

“What else did she tell you?” Seeing Carla’s wistful look, Alniss added: “Unless talking about her makes you feel worse.”

Carla shook her head. “It… I think it makes it better. I think about her a lot.”

“Yes, you must. Everything must remind you of her,” Alniss said perceptively.

“She told me old Yeerk legends: Falniss and Kandrona; Thish the faithful Gedd; Sairan defeating the great Vanarx; Cilkik and Ghesh; the hidden Pool…”

“Wow. You could probably pass for a Yeerk.”

“Not really. I’m not sure I could tell them verbally… so much of what I remember of them are the images and feelings she showed me. Though she told me bits in words.” Carla stopped speaking abruptly, tears pricking painfully at her eyes. The memory of Silrin’s voice in her mind was suddenly so strong she could half-convince herself it was really there.

“I’m sorry,” Alniss said instantly, reaching to pull Carla closer to her. “I should never have…”

“It’s okay. Did…” Carla swallowed, took a deep breath and tried again. “Did you talk much to your hosts?”

“Not as much. I never had a human, and my Gedd host was the only one who really wanted me there. My Hork-Bajir… she wasn’t exactly involuntary. She didn’t fight me, she was just… resigned.” Alniss gave a light shiver, and Carla wondered whether it had been a mistake to ask. 

“What was your Gedd called?” Carla asked, hoping to steer the conversation towards slightly safer grounds.

“Chash,” Alniss answered.

“Is that a he or a she?”

“Female. Like my Hork-Bajir. I suppose that’s why I chose a female nothlit form, in the end.”

Carla frowned slightly, puzzled. “You never had a human host, then?”

Alniss shook her head. “I wanted one, but I rather shot myself in the foot by not wanting an involuntary. Voluntaries don’t come up very often.”

“So that’s why you chose a human form? Because you wanted a human host?”

Alniss hesitated for a moment, biting one corner of her lip gently. “Partly.”

Carla immediately felt guilty upon seeing the Yeerk’s expression. “I’m sorry… please don’t feel you have to tell me.”

“It’s okay,” Alniss said softly. “It’s natural that you’re wondering. It must seem a strange thing to do, to trap yourself permanently in a body you’ve never had before. I just felt that being a Yeerk among Hork-Bajir… I’d spend all my time talking to other Yeerks, and then we’d gradually all die off and leave nothing behind. You can’t really hold a conversation with a Hork-Bajir, the intelligence gap is too great. And if I ever did decide to reproduce… well, I know any children I have now would be human, but at least they’d be able to understand Yeerk culture, to pick some of it up, to talk to me on my own level.” She paused for a moment, her eyes drifting to some of the artworks plastered all over the walls. “And you do have a beautiful planet, Carla.”

Carla didn’t respond for a moment, as she was busy searching her mind for a half-remembered conversation between Alniss and Silrin. “You have mates, don’t you?” She knew that once a tripartite of Yeerks formed, they would spend decades strengthening their bond before they were eventually ready to mate. Given only one chance to reproduce, Silrin had explained, Yeerks thoroughly tested the qualities of those they chose to do it with.

Alniss instantly looked away, but not before Carla could see a rush of colour appear around her eyes and her lips start to tremble. “I…” Alniss’ voice was suddenly choked, her words muddled. “They were in the Pool that day, too.”

“Oh my God!” Carla reached for Alniss, feeling sick. “I’m so so sorry, I didn’t realise…”

She heard a door open down the hall, but didn’t even turn to see who it was. Alniss pulled away from her, seemingly with some effort, swallowed hard and wiped her eyes. “It’s OK, honey, I’m fine. It just…” 

Carla watched Alniss’ expression harden, and wondered for half a second if she’d done something wrong, before she realised that Alniss was looking over her shoulder. Carla turned her head to see Kalran rapidly disappearing through the door to the living room, and turned back towards Alniss in puzzlement.

“Alniss, what-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Alniss said quickly. “Let’s talk about this reference, shall we?”

Carla hesitated for a moment, uncertain whether to push for an explanation. But Alniss was sheltering her, feeding her, caring for her in every possible way she could… Carla didn’t want to repay that with insolence, by asking about something she clearly didn’t want to talk about.

“I was thinking, maybe if you found somewhere to volunteer for a bit…”

Carla nodded, though mentally she was still studying the image of Kalran disappearing rapidly, almost guiltily, through the door, and Alniss’ expression when she’d seen her. “That sounds like a good idea.”


	7. Chapter 7

Looking at her watch for the third time in the last minute, Carla tapped her foot impatiently against the hot tarmac. Was this bus ever going to arrive? She tried to distract herself by glancing around at her fellow passengers: a couple of teenagers listening to some rap song loudly through headphones; a young couple who were holding hands and periodically exchanging kisses; and an elderly man leaning on a walking stick, looking almost as intently as Carla in the direction the bus would come from.

After what seemed like a full Yeerk feeding cycle, the bus finally pulled up at the kerb and there was the usual rush for the doors. Carla gestured to the old man, letting him on ahead of her, then hurried onto the bus, passing a few dollars to the driver for the fare. 

As she moved up the bus, however, she stopped in her tracks, staring at a pair of young women sitting together about four rows from the back. Involuntaries, ones Carla recognised, which meant they’d be almost certain to know her face if they saw her.

“Get a move on!” came a voice from behind her, which caused one of the girls to look up.

Her eyes bored straight into Carla’s own.

“Come on, hurry up!”

Hastily, Carla dropped her eyes to the ground and hurried past the two girls. The only available seats, unfortunately, were either directly in front of or behind them. Opting to have them in her sights rather than the other way around, Carla slid into a seat behind them and held her breath as the bus moved off, hoping they hadn’t recognised her.

Her hopes were short-lived, however, as one of them turned around to look at her.

“Hey,” she said, smiling at Carla.

Well, that was unexpected. Carla wasn’t sure what to think: perhaps the girl recognised her face but couldn’t place where she knew it from? But that was unlikely, to say the least. Carla knew exactly who this woman was: Elsa, Silrin’s first human host. 

“You don’t need to look so scared, you know. We’re not gonna hurt you, are we, Kelly?”

Kelly also turned around at that, but her face was much more hostile, and she did not smile. “No. Even though I’m sorely tempted.”

Elsa glanced sideways. “C’mon, Kel.”

Kelly shook her head, her eyes filled with hatred. “I’m not talking to her,” she spat, before whipping her head back round. 

Well, that probably ruled out the option Carla had been considering for the last few seconds: that they were trying to gain her trust to get her alone and beat her up, or even kill her. If they were planning to do that, then they didn’t appear to be working together. Carla let her gaze fall to the floor again, staring at a spot of used gum that had been trodden into the plastic.

“What are you up to these days?”

What the hell was she playing at? Carla could not understand why Elsa was still talking to her in that friendly way, and the uncertainty was worse than facing outright hatred. 

“I promise, it’s OK. Won’t you talk to me?”

Carla kept her eyes firmly on the floor as the barrage of questions continued.

“It’s Carla, isn’t it?”

“How’ve you been doing?”

“I’m really not that scary, am I?”

“OK, if you don’t want to talk right now that’s fine.”

Finally, Carla thought to herself. She’d never heard anyone so irritatingly persistent. Once she heard Elsa turn back around and resume her conversation with Kelly, Carla risked glancing at her watch. Great. Still twenty minutes to go. She could only hope they’d get off before she did.

Thankfully, five minutes later they did, as the bus reached the centre of town.

“Well… er… see ya,” Elsa said to her as she stood up to get off. “Look after yourself.”

Carla curled tighter into herself as they left, wrapping her arms around her belly and squeezing slightly. Her good mood was entirely dissipated now, replaced by fear, confusion and a sudden desperation to see Alniss and the others.

When she arrived home, she found Alniss, Kalran and Hallim sitting together in the living room. Carla quickened her pace, almost running across the room towards them.

“Are you alright?” Alniss asked, concern etching itself across her face. “What’s happened?”

Carla could feel the rapidity of her own breathing, how much her eyes had widened. She hadn’t realised until now quite how frightened she’d been. “I…” she hesitated, struggling for a moment to catch her breath. “Involuntaries.”

Alniss’ intake of breath was so sharp it sounded like a hiss. “Did they hurt you?”

Carla shook her head. “No. Just spoke to me.”

“Listen, whatever they’ve said is nonsense. You’re wonderful and you don’t deserve-”

“You don’t even know what they said, Alniss,” Kalran pointed out, and was rewarded with a harsh glare.

“One of them said they didn’t want to speak to me and the other one kept trying to get me to talk. I don’t know what she was up to, but she kept being really nice.”

Quizzically, Hallim cocked her head to one side. “Who was it?”

“Elsa. Elsa Martin.”

Alniss looked, if it were possible, even more incensed when she heard the name. Hallim, however, seemed to relax a little.

“I used to be a Pool guard. From what I know of her I’d imagine that if she was being nice, she meant it.”

“Well, she certainly doesn’t hold back from being nasty when she wants to, either,” Alniss muttered.

Hallim frowned. “What do you mean?”

“She was Silrin’s first human host,” Alniss answered. “She nearly made poor Silrin apply for a return to the Pool, she was that cruel to her.”

“I’d imagine she had a right to be,” Kalran said suddenly.

Shocked, Carla turned to stare at her. “What?!”

“You can never keep quiet when you should, can you!”

It was Alniss who had spoken. Carla had never heard her raise her voice before, and unconsciously wrapped her arms around herself. Alniss, however, didn’t seem to notice, as her eyes were fixed on Kalran in a ferocious glare.

“Let’s calm down,” Hallim suggested gently, reaching to touch Alniss’ arm, but Alniss pulled away.

“My sister did nothing wrong,” Alniss said fiercely to Kalran. 

“I’m not saying she meant to hurt her,” Kalran responded, her voice calm. “If I blame anyone I blame the Empire. But nevertheless Silrin will have hurt her by taking her against her will, and who can blame Elsa for responding to that with hostility?”

“Well, Carla didn’t!”

Kalran’s eyes turned to meet Carla’s own, making Alniss belatedly turn as well. “But she didn’t take you against your will, did she? You wanted her there.”

Carla felt tears prick behind her eyelids, but forced them back. “Yes, of course I did. She took care of me. She was my friend.” Swallowing hard, Carla glanced between the three Yeerks. “Is anyone going to explain what’s going on?”

“You’ve heard of the peace movement, haven’t you?” Kalran said.

Carla thought for a moment. “The traitor group?”

Kalran smiled. “Yeah, that’s us.”

“Us?”

“I was in the peace movement for the last few years of the war. My host… she was involuntary, and her pain… it was torture, for me. When I heard there was another way, it felt… it felt like a weight had been lifted, for both of us. She chose to stay with me, and we worked for peace together.”

Carla stared in shocked silence for a few moments. “So it’s partly your fault we lost,” she said finally, her voice slow and cold.

Kalran’s face drained of a little colour, and she looked uncomfortable for the first time. “Is this losing?”

Carla wanted to bark out a harsh laugh, to gesture around at herself and the others, to ask if it looked like winning to her. But Kalran was a Yeerk, after all, and Alniss’ companion, even if they didn’t always get along, so Carla decided not to contradict her.

“Can I go to my room? I’m tired.”

“Of course,” Alniss said gently. 

“You don’t have to ask for permission, you know,” Kalran said. “You’re a free human being, you can go wherever you want.”

“If I was that good at being free, I’d be able to afford my own apartment,” Carla muttered, turning towards the door. She still hadn’t delivered the news she’d planned to, but she didn’t feel like doing it now. One of the best days she’d had in a while had turned into one of the worst evenings, and the volunteer work she’d managed to land now felt like a cruel joke, an acknowledgement that the best she was good for was working for free while living off charity herself.

She could hear Alniss’ raised voice as she walked down the narrow hallway, telling Kalran off for upsetting her, something Carla received with mixed emotions. Alniss’ protectiveness was reassuring, flattering even, but she didn’t want to drive a wedge between the two. Sighing, she closed the door to the bedroom and sank down onto her bed, resting her chin on her palms. Maybe things would have calmed down enough by dinnertime, though she assumed Alniss would bring her in a plate if she didn’t show up.

Carla began to recite Yeerk myths in her head, something Silrin had always done for her when she’d felt distressed. She tried not to wonder whether, if there’d been no peace movement, Silrin would still be here.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being a while updating, but I hope you all enjoy this chapter anyway!

Darkness, and the pressing sensation of thick, warm fluid all around her. Carla could hear whistles and echolocation clicks echoing through the liquid, and fired off some of her own. The returning echoes revealed long, thin shapes all around her: other Yeerks, she realised. Carla instinctively began to extend and contract her body, swimming towards a scent she recognised. Somehow, she was able to communicate, to call in the squeaky, otherworldly language of Pool Yeerkish.

“Silrin, wait!”

Her echolocation detected the other Yeerk pause and turn back towards her, swimming close to brush her palps across Carla’s own.

“I’ve missed you,” she heard the Yeerk reply. “It looks like you’re one of us now. Welcome.” Silrin twined her body around Carla’s slowly, an intimate gesture performed only between close siblings, friends or mates. Carla felt herself reciprocating the gesture, releasing chemical signals to communicate her joy.

Suddenly, the water began to swirl irregularly, sucking them down towards the centre of the Pool. 

“What’s happening?” Carla tried to squeak to Silrin, but the other Yeerk was being ripped away from her by the current. Confusion was all Carla felt for a few seconds, as the water began to pull more insistently at her body, but then she understood. The cleaning cycle! But how… why… wait, she knew this. Jake! Jake was flushing them… they were all going to die!

“Silrin!” Carla felt her body contract with terror, could smell her own stress hormones being released into the water around her, as well as those of countless others, as she continued to be sucked down towards the blackness of space. “Silrin! No! No, Silrin! Come back! Silrin, no!”

Carla opened her eyes. Someone was bending over her in the darkness, shaking her shoulders gently. “Silrin?” Carla muttered, confused.

“No, it’s me. Alniss. I’m sorry.”

Carla struggled to focus on Alniss’ face, pulling herself up into a sitting position. The light from the streetlamp outside was leaking around the edges of the curtains as it always did, casting long shadows onto Alniss’ concerned face. Tugging at the neck of her soaked pajama top, Carla tried to get her breathing under control. 

“It was just a nightmare, honey.” Alniss’ hand was running comfortingly up and down Carla’s back as she pulled her to rest against her body, seemingly heedless of the sweaty mess she was in. “It’s okay.”

Carla shook her head. “It wasn’t just a nightmare. She’s… she’s gone.”

“I know. I wish I could change that.”

“So do I,” Carla whispered wistfully.

They sat in silence for a while, Alniss’ hand stroking slowly against her back, her hair, her shoulders. Carla felt the sensation of panic beginning to fade, but it was replaced with an intense, desperate sadness.

“Do you-” Carla stopped herself. It wasn’t fair to ask Alniss that question, she had to remember that Silrin had been her schrellie, one of the closest relationships Yeerks had. It wasn’t fair to make her grief worse.

“Do I what?”

“It doesn’t matter. I just wondered- it’s nothing.”

“Wondered what?” Alniss pulled back a little to look searchingly into her face. “You know you can ask me anything.”

Carla shook her head insistently. “It isn’t fair on you.”

Gently, Alniss smiled at her. “I don’t think bottling grief up has ever helped either of our species to process it. Let me help you. If you feel you want to ask it then it’s probably something that it would help you to know. What is it?”

Carla swallowed and looked away. “I… I just… do you think she knew what was happening?” Carla was forced to stop, taking a few gasping breaths. “At the end, I mean. Did she know she was going to… to…”

A deep, sad sigh was the only response Carla got for a few seconds.

“I- part of me wants to lie to you, Carla, but I don’t think it would be right.” Alniss hesitated, touching Carla’s shoulder.

Carla looked around to make eye contact, which seemed to give Alniss the courage she needed to carry on.

“Yes. Yes, I’m sure she would have worked out what was happening.”

Carla looked away quickly. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, but managed to gasp out another question. “How long for? Did she… did she suffer for long?”

Again, Alniss hesitated for a few moments. “That depends on where she was and how quickly she worked out what was happening. Yeerks can sense quite small changes in currents, and the ones to drain the Pool would have been quite forceful. The cleaning cycle takes around fifteen minutes, so that’s the longest she could possibly have known for, but if she was near the bottom of the Pool when it happened, it might only have been…” Alniss paused, taking a few deep breaths. “It might only have been a minute or so. If that.”

Carla began to sob again, and soon heard Alniss join her. She reached for the Yeerk’s hand and held it tight, pressing her body against Alniss’ and burying her head into her shoulder. Each of them, almost at the same time, reached with their free hand to squeeze tightly around the other’s shoulders.

“I’m sure she thought of you,” Alniss whispered after a while. “She would have wished she could thank you for what you did for her.”

Carla swallowed, pulling away a little to wipe at her eyes with the back of her hand. “I didn’t do anything, or at least not anything that special.”

“You did. With Elsa, Silrin was a total mess, she was under so much pressure. Every time I met her in the Pool she was gil’hin… I suppose the human equivalent would be crying. When she got you, I got my sister back.”

For a few minutes Carla sat in silence, absorbing that information. She’d known that Silrin had had an involuntary host and hadn’t enjoyed it, but she’d had no idea how strong those emotions were. The thought of her Yeerk crying every time she got a few moments to herself made Carla’s insides twist into knots. 

“I didn’t know,” she said eventually. 

Alniss looked hesitant. “Maybe I shouldn’t have…”

Carla shook her head forcefully. “No. No, I want to know.”  
“Okay,” Alniss said softly, letting a hand stray up from Carla’s shoulder to stroke her hair.

They sat there in silence for a while. Carla could feel the dampness from her own tears in the cloth of Alniss’ bright green pyjama top, and feel her still-unsteady breathing against her hair. She felt her own breaths gradually begin to slow as she concentrated on the sensations around her, including Alniss twining a lock of hair around and around her finger, letting it go occasionally only to start again. It was a strange, repetitive motion, something intimate yet not like something a human friend would do. Despite its oddness, Carla found it comforting, allowing herself to breathe out a deep sigh. She could feel some of the tension draining from Alniss’ body, too.

“Thank you,” Carla whispered without moving her head.

She felt Alniss touch her cheek to the top of her head. “Thank you,” she replied simply.

Carla yawned widely. Without a word, Alniss pulled back from her, shifting to turn back the duvet on Carla’s bed. In similar silence, Carla lowered herself back down onto the comforting pillows, letting Alniss tuck the duvet around her and squeeze her hand gently in a silent ‘goodnight’.

The rest of the night passed peacefully, without nightmares.


	9. Chapter 9

A few days later, Carla came home to a quieter house than normal. It was a Saturday, so Hallim and Menhal should have been home, but it was very quiet, the bedrooms deserted. Going through to the living room, Carla saw only Alniss and Kalran sitting there. Alniss was playing with her keys, jangling them around in her hands constantly, watching as the light flashed over them, while Kalran was staring out of the window.

“Hi,” Carla said uncertainly. She was a little suspicious about the absence of the others, a suspicion that was confirmed when Kalran looked at her a little guiltily.

“Hi. Good day?”

Carla shrugged. “Where is everyone?”

Alniss and Kalran glanced at each other. “Out,” Kalran said eventually. “They went to the park. I was hoping that we could talk.”

Carla shrugged again, reluctant but not willing to say so aloud. “I guess.”

Alniss looked at her anxiously. “Sit down, honey,” she said gently.

Carla settled herself into one of the old, creaking armchairs near the sofa, and pulled one of the cushions into her arms, squeezing it against her body. The sensation of pressure was comforting. Carla had learnt that as a young child and never entirely stopped doing it. She looked expectantly at Kalran.

“I, er… we haven’t really spoken since you found out I was part of the peace movement, Carla. I wondered if you… did you want to ask me anything, or…”

“Not really. I know what the movement was.”

Kalran nodded. “I know.” She glanced at Alniss for help.  
“It’s just that you don’t entirely seem comfortable with it, honey,” Alniss said. “We just want to know what we can do to make that easier.”

Carla sighed. “Nothing, really. I’m fine with it.” She hoped she seemed convincing. “It was just, like, a shock at first.”

Alniss nodded slowly. “Are you sure?”

“Sure,” Carla said in almost a whisper, conscious of Kalran’s very intense gaze on her.

There was silence for a few moments, but Kalran continued to study Carla, making her swallow and look away, pretending to be fascinated by the picture of mountain scenery on the wall. Menhal had found it for a bargain price at a Goodwill, and the Yeerks had collectively exclaimed over it for about half an hour when she’d brought it home, as though it was a Van Gough or something. It was a pretty scene, Carla supposed, the Andes capped with snow, but she didn’t really see what the fuss was about.

“You know, we hated what the Animorphs did on the Pool ship too,” Kalran said eventually, her voice slow and very quiet. “They… they killed a lot of us.”

That was a surprise to Carla. She snapped her eyes away from the picture to meet Kalran’s own, staring. “But you… you were on their side?”

Kalran gave a bitter laugh. “Yes, we thought so too. Clearly they didn’t feel the same.”

Carla watched her carefully for any sign she was lying. She’d assumed, somehow, that the peace movement had been kept safe, but thinking about it now she didn’t see how they could have been. Any rapid change to pool schedules for that many Yeerks would surely have been suspicious.

“We’d never have sanctioned something like that, Carla. Please… please believe me. We… we’re not murderers.”

Carla nodded slowly. “I didn’t know…”

Kalran gave an answering nod, twisting her hands together in her lap. “I lost many siblings and friends in the attack. Three of them were in the movement, too. I feel so guilty that I survived…”

“I’m sorry,” Carla murmured quietly, her pity genuine.

“I don’t think there are any of us who didn’t lose at least one Yeerk we knew well. I’m lucky that I didn’t lose one of my mates, or a close sibling.”

“You have mates?” Carla asked, puzzled, for she’d never heard mention of them before. 

It was clearly the wrong thing to do, however, as Kalran’s eyes teared up. “I used to… but when we were given the morphing power... Ilkiss and I went first, trapped ourselves as humans, but we didn’t know, we couldn’t have known… Oglud was allergic.”

Carla wasn’t quite sure what that meant, not knowing much about the morphing technology, but she didn’t want to ask any more for fear of upsetting Kalran still further.

“It means they couldn’t take the power,” Alniss said softly, clearly sensing Carla’s puzzlement.  
Carla processed that for a few seconds, then realised what it meant. “So they’re still in the Pool?”

Kalran nodded, wiping at her tears with the back of her hand. Carla’s stomach twisted in sympathy, while Alniss slipped an arm silently around Kalran’s shoulders.

“After a few months of asking, the humans and Andalites guarding the Pool let Ilkiss and I go in and use the computer there to talk with them, but we’ll never truly interact again… we’ll never touch. And Oglud, they’ll… they’ll never see again, never move beyond the confines of an artificial Pool, unless they go back to one of the homeworld Pools I suppose, but they’ll never have a host.”

“They could have me,” Carla said instantly, without even thinking. 

Kalran raised her damp eyes to look directly at her. “That’s so generous, Carla, it’s so incredibly kind, but it’s not that simple. The human and Andalite authorities simply won’t allow hosts of any sort, not even Gedds, and by the Kandrona, Gedds aren’t that much smarter than pigs and substantially less so than whales, and humans still kill both of those animals… sorry, I’m rambling.”

“It’s fine. It sounds frustrating.”

Kalran stood up suddenly, breaking the contact of Alniss’ arm, and paced restlessly to the window. “It is. It’s ridiculous. So many have offered… my own host, Sara… Adam Tidwell… Sak Rimee, Ilkiss’ Hork-Bajir host… now you, Carla, and I can’t stress enough how generous it is of all of you to even consider it, but the Andalites won’t hear of it. And it’s not just Oglud, there are hundreds who were allergic to the technology, and a couple of hundred more who can’t stomach the idea of leaving their own bodies forever, of making the Yeerk race practically extinct…”

Alniss snorted. “Andalites. They’d murder us all if the humans gave them half a chance.”

“Some of the humans would probably be fine with that, too,” Kalran muttered. “At first I tried to change it, I wrote to the Animorph Cassie, probably the most sympathetic to us, but I don’t know if the letter even arrived. But it soon became clear that there’s no point fighting it, they’ll never change their minds.”

Carla frowned slightly. “You… you could keep trying anyway,” she whispered, not wanting to seem contradictory or defiant.

Alniss smiled slightly. “Humans,” she said, sharing a glance with Kalran. “You never give up on the impossible.”

“Sara’s the same,” Kalran said, looking back at Carla. “She’s been writing every week to anyone she can possibly think of, phoning people… she’s looking at setting up a campaign group now. She won’t listen when I tell her she’s wasting her time.”

Carla looked steadily at Kalran, uncertain whether to vocalise the thoughts she had in her mind. Silrin had told her humans were much more persistent than Yeerks, much less willing to admit defeat, but she’d never encountered this in practice until now. “What if she isn’t wasting it?”

“She is.”

Kalran’s voice was so certain and so devoid of hope that it wrenched at Carla’s heart, enough to make her forget her inhibitions and speak freely. “You’ve gotta try,” she said forcefully.

“I know you feel that, as a human, but I don’t. Yeerks give up hope much more easily when the odds are so steep.”

Carla fell silent, but her thoughts were darting around her mind like dragonflies. Could she ever convince Kalran? Could she do anything herself? Why did she suddenly want to so badly? The last thought gave her some pause. Was this sudden desire for action truly for Kalran’s sake, or Oglud’s, or was it for herself? Carla had never thought she’d have a Yeerk again, but she suddenly found herself wondering what it would be like to be infested again… by someone else, not by Silrin. She’d only ever had the one Yeerk, so it was hard to imagine, and even harder to determine how she truly felt about it.

“Carla? Are you alright?”

Carla was shaken out of her thoughts by the sound of Alniss’ voice. “Fine,” she said, a little too quickly, as she saw Alniss’ eyebrows raise. The Yeerk, however, said nothing more about it.

Carla turned to Kalran. “I understand, now, about the movement. At least, I think I do. I’m sorry for judging you.”

Kalran shook her head. “There’s no need to apologise. I know the anger of grief, I’ve felt it myself. That’s something that is the same between our species, no matter what the other differences may be.”

Carla smiled slightly at that, and held out her hand towards Kalran. “Friends?”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a slight motion of surprise cross Alniss’ face. Kalran, on the other hand, smiled broadly as she reached out her own hand. “Of course.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all of you who are reading this story and those who have left kudos or comments. Just wanted you all to know that I may not be able to update for a while as I'm moving house and won't have internet for a couple of weeks. Here's a chapter for you to enjoy before then though!

It was a few days before Thanksgiving, and Carla was bored.

It wasn’t that she wasn’t busy. On the contrary, she thought she’d have permanent damage to her wrists from the number of pizzas she was rolling out. It was sticky and hot in the crowded kitchen, despite the fan that was whirring at full speed not too far away from her. She dreaded to think what it would be like in the summer.

No, the boredom was more to do with the loneliness of her mind. Carla hadn’t noticed it in her last job, but that had been before she’d moved in with Alniss and the others. Now when she was at home she was surrounded by chatter, by the presence of others, and she had no secrets from Alniss, who heard every detail of her day. It reminded her enough of Silrin’s presence in her head to make her miss the constant touch of another mind whenever she was away from the Yeerks. 

Carla wordlessly passed the circle of dough, now dressed with tomato sauce and cheese, along to Alan, who added toppings. After several more months of searching, Carla had eventually managed to find a new job, but even with her own paycheck coming in she hadn’t wanted to leave the comfort of the flat or the company of the first friends she’d had in some time. Instead, she contributed to rent and food, which was a lot cheaper than moving out on her own anyway. It also avoided the need to have to come home and cook after an entire day (or more usually evening) spent doing just that.

Boredom always ended up with Carla getting lost in her memories, letting her fingers and hands get on with whatever needed doing with no attention. She’d learnt not to resist, letting her mind slide back several years as she kneaded and shaped the soft mass of flour and water in front of her.

_“You’re sure you want to join us?” Talen 454’s voice was soft, her eyes looking kindly into Carla’s own._

_Carla was still struggling not to think of her as Ellie. Trying to understand the existence of an alien she couldn’t see, that looked and acted exactly like a human, was making her head hurt. She toyed with the idea of asking what would happen if she said no. She didn’t think she’d exactly be allowed to just walk away, knowing such a secret. Turning her whole life over to an alien wasn’t exactly an inviting prospect, but she couldn’t help reminding herself that she wasn’t exactly doing much else with it._

_Talen was watching her carefully, but said nothing, seemingly realising the struggle going on in Carla’s mind. Carla stared equally searchingly back into the other woman… alien’s… eyes, trying to work out exactly how much she could trust her. Would this hurt? Would they actually even bother helping her? Of course, there was no way they actually cared, like Talen said she did. No-one ever did, not really. But if they would have to live Carla’s life for her, they probably had a fair amount of motivation to sort it out, whether they gave a toss about her as a person or not._

_“This, er…” Carla trailed off._

_“Yeerk?” Talen prompted, with a slight smile._

_“Yeah. Will he- she?- will they see everything? Like, all my memories.”_

_Talen nodded. “Yes. Probably, anyway. They’ll see a random selection when they first enter your head. No Yeerk can help that. After that they should view all your memories, technically, but there is some flexibility. If there’s something you really don’t want them to see, you could ask them to avoid it. But they will need to know approximately what it contains.”_

_Carla looked down and swallowed, already feeling ashamed._

_“It’s important to remember that they aren’t human, Carla,” Talen murmured._

_“Really? I’d never have guessed,” Carla muttered sarcastically._

_She heard Talen sigh slightly. “You misunderstand me. I mean that what humans and Yeerks think of as embarrassing or shameful is very different. Many hosts assume a Yeerk would feel about them in the same way a human might if they saw all their secrets, but that’s simply not the case. My own host was very concerned… very ashamed… about a number of things in her past when I first infested her, but she quickly realised that they meant nothing to me. Human social norms just don’t shape a Yeerk’s thinking in the same way.”_

_Carla thought about that for a few seconds, then something else occurred to her. “This is gonna sound completely stupid… will they be there even when I go to the bathroom?”_

_“Almost every potential host asks me that question,” Talen said softly. “The answer is yes, but what I said about different norms applies here. For the Yeerk, that’s completely normal, and it will soon feel much more natural for you, too.”_

_“Can I have any freedom?”_

_“The vast majority of voluntary hosts spend substantial periods of time in control of their body. They all have a few hours every three days when the Yeerk leaves their head to feed, and most negotiate daily periods of time where their Yeerk hands them control, although for that the Yeerk is still there.”_

_Carla sat in silence for a while, digesting what she’d just heard, tangling her hands together in her lap. She wondered again whether she should ask what would happen if she said no, but she felt she already knew the answer, and if she was going to end up subject to the will of mind-controlling aliens either way, she didn’t want to start off the relationship on the wrong foot._

_“Does it hurt?”_

_“No,” Talen answered simply. “Your Yeerk will secrete a natural anaesthetic that will numb your ear canal.”_

_Carla nodded. The answer seemed honest. “Who are they?”_

_Talen smiled at her. “Your Yeerk’s name is Silrin. Silrin six-eight-six of the Gurat Hesh pool. If you were to convert her age to a human lifespan, she’d be around twenty-eight, twenty-nine. She’s had one human host before, and a couple of other hosts before that- different species.”_

_“Is she a girl, then?”_

_“Yeerks don’t have human genders, but they usually follow the gender identity of their host when referred to in their host’s language.”_

_“What’s she like?” Carla caught herself, then, realising how this must sound. “I’m bombarding you with questions, aren’t I?”_

_Talen smiled again. “I think you have a right to, given the situation. She’s lovely, Carla. Very kind, sensitive. She worked as a fighter pilot before she took her first human host, then she supported the Sharing, as many of those in human hosts do.” Talen flipped over a piece of paper in front of her. “She told me her favourite human food is pepperoni pizza.”_

_This last piece of information was so bizarre that Carla began to laugh, alleviating some of the anxious, trapped feeling inside her. “You quizzed her on her pizza choices?”_

_“A substantial number of potential hosts want to know about the Yeerk that will infest them. Understandably. So we ask the Yeerk to tell us about their background, and, if they’ve had a human host before, likes and dislikes.”_

_Carla nodded. “You don’t exactly cut corners, do you?” Carla took a deep breath, deciding she’d put off making a decision for long enough. “OK, I guess I’ll do it.”_

_Carla noticed a slight change in Talen’s face: an expression of relief that was quickly masked. “Thank you, Carla.”_

_“I mean,” Carla said, suddenly seized by the urge to say something to distract herself from the terror running through her gut, “if it had been ham and pineapple I’d have said no. Fruit with savoury is just wrong. But I reckon I can live with pepperoni.”_

_Talen laughed, seeming much more relaxed now that Carla had given her consent. She stood up, beckoning to Carla to follow her, and led the way to a table with a single chair next to it. The table supported something covered with a dark cloth._

_Talen lifted the piece of material to reveal a small, circular plastic tank full of brown-green, sludgy liquid. There was a curved lip on the upper edge of the tank nearest the chair. A couple of strips of material were attached to this lip, which was strange._

_“She’s in here,” Talen said. “Please sit down, and put one ear under the surface of the water. When you feel ready.”_

_Carla looked at the sludge with disgust. “Do I have to put my ear in there? What even is it?”_

_“Pool fluid,” Talen answered. “It provides us with the nutrients and physical environment we need. It’s a solution of mineral rich clay, organic matter and water, warmed a little. That’s all.”_

_Carla was pretty sure that sounded like a fancy scientific description of warm mud, but she reminded herself she had little choice in the matter, walked over to the chair, and sat down._

_“When you feel ready, turn your head sideways and rest your neck here,” Talen instructed, indicating the lip on the plastic tank, which Carla now noticed was the perfect size to hold a human neck. Then she realised the bits of material must be straps, and jerked back suddenly, making the legs of the chair squeal against the floor._

_“Are you gonna tie my head down?”_

_There was a rush of footsteps as Talen hurried over, crouching next to the chair to bring herself to Carla’s eye level. “No, not if you don’t want me to. Carla, honey, it’s okay. Just take your time.”_

_Carla let out a shuddering breath. “OK. OK.” After a few seconds, she managed to make herself tuck the chair back up to the table._

_“If I may, I would like just to put my hand on the top of your head,” Talen said gently. “It’s important you keep it still, and most humans find the sensation a little strange at first… sometimes they instinctively move.”_

_Carla nodded slowly. “OK.”_

_Feeling that she simply couldn’t put this off any longer, Carla slowly lowered the side of her head into the sludgy water. It felt thicker than liquid she was used to, and it felt warm against the side of her face, like bathwater at just the right temperature. She was just beginning to relax when something slimy touched her ear._

_As Talen had predicted, she jumped a little, her head trying to lift, but the pressure of Talen’s hand kept it under the water. Carla forced herself to still, though her body was trembling._

_“Well done, honey. It’s okay.”_

_Carla felt a sharp pain in her ear, and wondered for a second whether Talen had been lying, but the pain quickly went away, and a sensation of numbness overtook her ear. She could still feel a slight pressure, as something squirmed deeper and deeper inside her, but soon she lost sensation entirely as it passed further into her head. Carla sat still and quiet for a minute or so._

_“How long will it take?” she asked Talen._

_Or tried to._

_Carla abruptly realised the words had made no sound, that her lips hadn’t even moved. She tried to wriggle the fingers on a hand. Nothing. Now she was aware of it, she could feel the loss of other bits of control. Suddenly, blinking didn’t quite feel like she was doing it, something that was confirmed when she tried to blink rapidly and failed. She could also, if she concentrated, feel emotions that were not her own: a vague sense of excitement and anxiety rolled into one._

_Then the memories started. Carla was seven again, opening a cupboard without much hope to find nothing left for her breakfast inside. Nine, bubbling with excitement and awe on a school trip to a planetarium. Eleven, leaping on a trampoline at a friend’s house, laughing like a demon. Then, abruptly, thirteen, drinking cheap beers illicitly behind sand dunes on the beach. Fifteen, bunking off from school, accompanied by a bottle of vodka. Nineteen, working a boring shift at a clothing store. Back to being five, hiding in her bedroom while her mum and step-dad screamed at each other. Back again to her teenage years, losing her virginity in the backseat of a car to a boy whose name she struggled to remember._

_It was this last memory that finally overcame Carla’s determination not to try and fight, to accept whatever happened._

_“No! Stop!” she tried to yell, conscious again that there was no sound. It was pointless. No-one could hear._

_Only someone clearly did. The memory stopped suddenly._

_(Sorry.)_

_It wasn’t a voice. Not really. More a jumble of thoughts, words, sensations and emotions that together conveyed a message._

_(We can’t help what we see, not the first time. I’m sorry, Carla.)_

_Strangely, Carla didn’t doubt the truthfulness of what the Yeerk said. Maybe it was the emotions and images that came with it that made it more convincing than mere words would have been, or perhaps it was that Carla sensed the kind of person Silrin was even this early in their relationship. Whatever it was, Carla felt a trickle of forgiveness stealing over her. She wanted to reply, but wasn’t sure how._

_(Just think the words, and direct them at me,) Silrin coached gently. (Although I can see most things anyway, it’s more likely to get my attention this way.)_

_(Like this?)_

_(Exactly. Well done.)_

_Silrin waited for a few moments, then said: (I don’t mean to rush you, but I haven’t connected with all your brain yet. Can I carry on? I may hit more memories, but I’ll try and move away from them as fast as I can if they… upset… you.)_

_Carla hesitated, trying to steel herself. She never felt she’d had much courage, and there were a lot of memories she didn’t want to ever see again. (Okay.)_

_Immediately she felt another memory open, this time of playing with a skipping rope at school with her friends. It was a memory Carla hadn’t even realised she had, and it made her smile… or at least try to smile. She wasn’t sure if the expression showed on her face. Silrin lingered on this memory for a while, but eventually Carla felt her move further through her brain, opening up others. The ones that were painful or frightening, Silrin skipped over quickly, viewing them only for a few seconds, but it still felt violating._

_After a while, Carla began to also see memories that weren’t hers. Memories of swimming in sludge, talking to others in squeaks. Memories of looking through eyes for the first time, of the joy and wonder it provoked._

_(Are these yours?) Carla asked._

_(Yes.)_

_Carla observed these memories with wonder; the life they depicted was so different from her own, from anything she had ever imagined, that she kept having to remind herself they were truly real. She felt Silrin’s joy at seeing for the first time with Gedd eyes. The eternal, burning hunger of her Taxxon host, how difficult it had been to tune that out when flying spacecraft. The exhilaration of entering atmosphere in a Bug Fighter. Looking at Earth from space: the sense of awe Silrin had felt at a planet with so much colour. The fear and excitement of space battle. The terror that any small wound in her Taxxon host would result in being eaten alive. The relief when she was told about her transfer to a human, mixed with regret that she might never fly a spacecraft again. Strangely, though, there were no memories of this human host, nothing about what Silrin had experienced in her head. The memory stream cut off, suddenly, and Silrin spoke again._

_(Well done, Carla. I know that was hard. I’m going to move your head now and speak to the sub-Visser. It will feel strange.)_

_(Okay.)_

_Silrin was right, it did feel very odd for her head to move without her telling it to._

_“I have control, sub-Visser. Thank you.”_

_Talen looked anxiously at Carla… at Silrin… at both of them? Carla wasn’t really sure what the best expression was. “Resistance?”_

_Silrin shook her head. “None.”_

_Talen let out a breath in a rush, as though she’d been storing up air for the last ten minutes. “Good. Very good.”_

Carla came back out of the fog of memory in time for the end of her shift, and walked to the dark bus stop to wait for her ride home. Remembering Silrin still hurt like a knife digging somewhere just behind her breastbone, but since she’d met Alniss there were other, better emotions beginning to stir too… pleasure at remembering the gentle touch of Silrin’s mind on her own, and even some hope for the future. After all, Carla could do things for Silrin’s sister now she knew her: little things, like bringing Alniss a cup of coffee when she woke up early for work, or buying cheap bangles as a gift. Alniss loved the jangle of the bracelets as she played with them, loved watching the light flash over their bright silver surfaces. 

While some of Carla’s hope came from Alniss, a larger part had only blossomed after finding out about Kalran’s mate Oglud and the other Yeerks who could not, or would not, access the morphing technology. Kalran might have called Carla’s offer to host Oglud generous, but she knew better. There was nothing she wanted more than to share a mind again… she’d never felt so well understood, so accepted, so loved, at any other time in her life.

The bus pulled up, the bright light from its headlamps and windows cutting welcomingly through the dark. Carla picked at the grubby seat cushion with a fingernail as the bus pulled away again, letting her mind drift back into her memories.

_Carla was lying curled up on the couch in her tiny apartment, the television flickering in front of her. She was in control of her body for now, but still painfully aware of the passenger she’d been carrying for nearly twenty-four hours. She was watching the new series of ‘Friends’, but she was gradually becoming aware of an increasing sense of confusion from her Yeerk._

_“You OK?” Carla said aloud. There was no-one to hear, and directing her thoughts to communicate still felt strange. Besides, it was nice to use her own voice again._

_(I’m fine. Just trying to work out who everyone is,) Silrin said from within her mind. (Elsa never watched this. She didn’t watch much TV in general, really.)_

_“You could just look at my memories, couldn’t you?”_

_(Please, not out loud, Carla,) Silrin said anxiously, despite the fact that no-one could possibly hear, and wouldn’t understand if they did. Then, in answer to Carla’s question: (I didn’t think you’d want me to interrupt your show by digging around in your mind.)_

_Carla switched to mental speech. (OK. Right. Thanks.)_

_(You’re surprised.) It was very strange hearing the way Silrin stated that, without even the hint of a question in her voice. But of course, she knew without needing to ask._

_(Yes,) Carla answered anyway._

_(I’m surprised too,) Silrin murmured gently. (Surprised at how well you’ve adjusted to me.)_

Carla was jerked out of her thoughts again as the bus slid to a halt. Hurriedly gathering her things together, she stepped out onto the rough pavement, its surface pitted with cracks. She finally forced herself to focus on the present day when she saw the two figures that were waiting for her, giving them a tired smile. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Alniss replied, Tafnik standing beside her under the streetlamp.

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” Carla said for what must have been the tenth time. “I’m fine walking around on my own.”

“I get nervous for you,” Alniss responded. Again, it was by no means the first time she’d said it; it was a routine the two of them played out almost every time Carla arrived home after dark. Alniss’ voice, however, seemed oddly flat. Automatic.

“Are you OK?” Carla asked anxiously as they began trudging up the street. Now that she was aware of Alniss’ mood, she realised Tafnik had yet to say anything, which was unusual for him. 

Alniss looked away; it was Tafnik who answered. “There was an attempted raid on the Pool. No-one was hurt, thankfully, but the terrorists they caught were intending to bomb the place. It would have killed all the unhosted Yeerks there. Kalran’s desperate to talk to Oglud, her mate, but she’s not allowed to visit. No-one’s allowed in at the moment for security reasons.”

“No!” Carla exclaimed loudly, making an old lady scurrying the other way jump slightly. She’d thought frequently about Oglud and the other unhosted Yeerks over the past few months, feeling sorry for them for the senses they’d been deprived of, but she hadn’t realised just how vulnerable they were.

“There’s… er… Ilkiss and Sara are at the flat now,” Tafnik said hesitantly. “We didn’t think it was fair to separate them, or ask them to move.”

Carla processed that information for a few seconds, trying to place the names. Ilkiss was Kalran’s other mate, of course, but Sara… oh. Kalran’s host. Carla was pretty sure that she’d started out involuntary before Kalran joined the peace movement She felt her heart speed up, beating a staccato rhythm against her ribs, and a sensation of nausea started in the pit of her stomach.

“I’m sorry,” Alniss whispered anxiously, touching her hand.

“I’m fine.” Carla tried to sound more confident than she felt. “It’s Kalran we ought to be worrying about.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: 
> 
> Sorry for the delay in posting on this site - I will try and catch up soon! Hope you enjoy the chapter.

As soon as she opened the door, Alniss could hear raised voices.

“I still don’t get why you won’t at least try and bloody _do something_!” The voice coming from the living room was high-pitched and loud, its owner clearly frustrated.

Alniss glanced sideways at Carla, biting her lip with anxiety. The human’s face was hard and unreadable, a toughness masking the fear Alniss was sure Carla was feeling. 

Carla didn’t say anything, but stepped past her, walking determinedly down the hallway with a measured pace. Alniss hurried to catch up.

“We can go straight to the bedroom if you want. I’ll bring you something to eat,” Alniss offered.

“No thanks. She’ll know I’m here anyway, I may as well get this over with. Anyway, I want to see Kalran.”

Carla pushed open the living room door, only to unleash an even louder wave of sound on the three of them.

“No, YOU listen to ME! I’m the only one making sense right now!” Sara’s voice was shrill as well as loud, going through Alniss like a Pool alarm.

Carla shuddered slightly, but didn’t break her pace, stepping firmly through the door. Alniss hurried through after her to find Kalran sat huddled against Ilkiss. Her host Sara, a tall brunette, was standing before her with her hands on her hips, glaring exasperatedly at her Yeerk. Sara had made Alniss nervous from the moment she’d first met her, a few weeks after Alniss had received her new human body and moved into the flat. Once Carla had come to live with them, she’d asked Kalran to try and avoid Sara coming over, which had been successful until now. Alniss hadn’t fancied her chances of saying no when Sara had arrived earlier that evening, her eyes blazing, to comfort a sobbing Kalran. Half an hour later, however, the arguing had started.

“There’s nothing we can do,” Kalran murmured, her voice barely audible, in contrast to her host’s. “We just have to accept that.”

“You can’t know that!” Sara whirled round, pacing angrily to the window and back. “I could tear my hair out, Kal, I really could. You’re impossible.”

“I agree with Kalran,” Ilkiss said softly, his deep voice choked with tears. “Much as I wish it weren’t true, we have to accept we’re powerless.”

Sara raised her eyebrows and pointed to herself. “Resistant involuntary host. Or at least, I started out that way. By definition, I’m not very good at the whole accepting-powerlessness idea.”

Alniss stole a glance across at Carla, to see how she was taking this news. Alarmingly, Carla’s face was set in harsh lines of anger, and her mouth was opening. Alniss started to move towards her, desperate to stop her saying anything, but it was too late.

“Leave her alone!” Carla snarled. “Can’t you see how hurt she is?”

Kalran gave a sharp gasp at Carla’s words and looked up quickly. “Carla! I didn’t realise you were home.” Her eyes strayed anxiously to her host, who had jerked round at Carla’s comment and was staring at her incredulously.

“Carla?” Sara repeated. “Home…” She trailed off for a few seconds, her forehead wrinkled with puzzlement. “You’re a human and you live here? Really?”

Carla nodded sharply, and crossed the room so determinedly that Sara was forced to step aside. Alniss hoped her shock wasn’t visible: she’d had no idea Carla was capable of such confidence. Reaching the sofa, Carla sank into the cushions beside Kalran and took her hand. 

Sara was still looking baffled, glancing between Kalran and Carla. Alniss searched her mind for some way of distracting Sara, getting her away before she could find out who Carla was.

“Maybe you should go home, Sara,” Alniss said cautiously. “It’s late.”

There was no reply to that. “Why on Earth would you choose to live with a bunch of Yeerks?” Sara asked Carla slowly, the anger in her voice replaced with curiosity. “I had enough of them when I was infested. Although I guess maybe if you’ve never had a Yeerk in your head…”

Kalran was shifting anxiously in her seat, looking helplessly at Alniss. “Sara…”

Carla looked past Sara, staring at the wall. “I have had a Yeerk in my head. She was Alniss’ sister. I- I wanted her there.”

Silence. Alniss felt sick as she took a few steps closer to Sara, ready to grab her arm and restrain her if she had to. She watched the lines around Sara’s dark brown eyes harden from confusion into outrage as the realisation hit her.

“Tell me,” Sara spat, her voice like ice. “Did they actually manage to get a TV loud enough to drown out the screams or did you just ignore them?”

Alniss felt the words like a stab to the stomach. She stared at Carla, desperate for the host to look at her, but Carla maintained her blank stare at the opposite wall, her expression unchanging.

“Sara!” Kalran’s voice was suddenly far more forceful, her hand gripping Carla’s tightly.

Sara turned her eyes to her Yeerk. Alniss had thought she was angry before, but this seemed an altogether different kind of anger. Sara’s voice and demeanour were much calmer, but also far colder.

“You should have told me.”

Kalran shifted anxiously in her seat, as though trying to escape the force of her host’s eyes. “I’m sorry. It wasn’t my secret to tell.”

Sara snorted. “It isn’t like she cared about your species violating anyone else’s right to privacy, why should I respect hers? How long exactly were you planning to carry this on for? Making excuses to meet me anywhere but here… telling me you still hadn’t found someone to take Jilran’s place... you should have told me.”

“Okay, I know. I’m sorry. Please, Sara, I really can’t… not today…” Kalran’s eyes were damp, and she turned her head towards Ilkiss’ shoulder.

Sara rolled her eyes and sighed impatiently, but her expression had softened slightly. “Okay, Kal. Not today. And I’m sorry I got so angry with you… about Oglud, that is. She,” Sara jerked a thumb at Carla without looking at her, “is probably right that it wasn’t helping. I just wish… I wish you could try and do something… it hurts to see you like this.” 

She took a step closer to Kalran, reaching down to squeeze her Yeerk’s free hand, and spoke far more gently. “Call me anytime if you need to talk.”

“You’re leaving?” Kalran asked, looking pleadingly up at her host. Alniss understood the expression on some instinctive level: her Hork-Bajir host hadn’t been voluntary, and they’d had no contact since the war, but Alniss still missed her in some strange way. 

“It seems best,” Sara said, her tone surprised. One eyebrow lifted slightly towards her curly hair.

“I don’t mind if you stay,” Carla said quietly, breaking her stare at the opposite wall to glance sideways at Kalran, a concerned furrow in her brow. “Not if your Yeerk needs you.”

Sara’s nose wrinkled in an unmistakeable gesture of contempt. “I wasn’t asking you.”

Alniss felt the anger that had been building within her over the last few minutes suddenly bubble over. “Shut up!” she snapped harshly.

Sara turned to her. “I don’t take orders from you, Yeerk. I’ve only been tolerating the lot of you over the last few years because Kalran asked me to. I’ll listen to her… well, sometimes… because she risked her life to try and free us. Ilkiss, too,” she added, inclining her head towards the tall man who had his arms wrapped around Kalran’s waist and his face pressed into her hair. “But don’t make the mistake of thinking I’ve forgiven you for what you’ve done, Alniss.”

Alniss ignored this. Pushing aside the ranting of involuntary hosts was second nature when you’d been indoctrinated by the Empire, and Alniss had never fully retrained herself not to do it. “Leave Carla alone. I think you should go.”

“No!” Sara spat incredulously. “Don’t order me about, Yeerk.”

“This happens to be my home,” Alniss growled, her ability to control her anger not helped by noticing that Carla’s hand had begun to shake.

Kalran abruptly pushed herself to her feet. “That’s enough. Don’t speak to my host like that.” She glanced at Sara, who was beginning to open her mouth at the word ‘host’, her expression furious. “Sorry, Sara, but that’s the only way Alniss might understand.”

Kalran was right, Alniss did understand. Whatever the Empire had tried to do to suppress it, all Yeerks felt a certain protectiveness for their hosts, even involuntary ones. Alniss knew many Yeerks who’d had arguments with the Pool guards about scratches, cuts and bruises their hosts had sustained during feedings. The relationship was deeper with voluntary hosts, which Alniss supposed in a way Sara was, though she would never say so to her face. But Alniss could still feel her stomach twisting with anxiety for Carla, her heart hammering with rage.

“Once she stops speaking to my host like she’s dirt!” Alniss snapped. A few seconds later, she realised what she’d said, and quickly turned her eyes to Carla. 

Her expressionless stare at the wall finally broken, Carla was staring openly at Alniss. By the Kandrona, Alniss cursed to herself, she’d been careless with her words.

“Yours?” Sara said with a slight sneer. “I thought you said she was your sister’s host.”

Kalran looked worriedly at Alniss, who felt frozen in place. Had she really begun to feel like that? It was ridiculous, she’d never once been inside Carla’s head, how could she possibly feel that bond for her? But it was true, Alniss saw with a few moments’ introspection. The feeling was so clear, so strong, that she couldn’t understand how she’d mistaken it for so long.

It was Tafnik who came to her rescue. “Alniss loved her sister very much, Sara. She wants to protect the people who were important to her.”

There was silence for a few moments.

“I have a solution,” Ilkiss said slowly. “Why don’t we all-“ he gestured to include Sara, Kalran and himself, “go to your room, Kalran? That way we can talk without disturbing anyone else, or getting into arguments.”

That seemed a reasonable idea to Alniss, but Kalran shook her head. “Hallim,” she said quietly.

Sara’s face, if it were possible, became even sourer, her lip curling. Alniss wasn’t sure why at first, then remembered. Hallim had been a Pool guard: Sara must have watched her force countless heads under the water for reinfestation and drag her fellows to and from cages for years. Hallim might even have done it to Sara herself.

Ilkiss looked guilty. “Of course. Sorry. Unless she came out here while we went in there?”

Sara shook her head. “I’ll just go,” she said. “Kal, Ilkiss, come with me if you want. You’re always welcome to stay over, you know that, right?”

Kalran took a hesitant step forward, which finally pulled her hand away from Carla’s. “Yes please.”

Once Sara and the two Yeerks had left, Alniss walked hesitantly over to Carla. “Are you OK?”

Carla’s responding smile was reassuring. “Sit next to me?”

Alniss didn’t need inviting twice. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Tafnik slipping away, presumably giving them some space. Carla leant her head against Alniss’ shoulder: Alniss could feel the prickle of her hair against her neck. 

“I don’t mind,” Carla said softly. “You can call me your host if you want.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realise what I was saying, I-”

“I care about you, too,” Carla whispered. 

Alniss felt the weight in her chest lighten at Carla’s words, but only slightly. “I’m sorry about Sara.”

Carla shrugged. “I don’t care what she thinks of me. I’d never get her to like me, anyway.”

Alniss slid an arm around Carla’s shoulders, squeezing tightly. “It must still hurt you.”

“Not really. I’ve worked out by now what side of this war I ended up on. I didn’t really mean to end up there. Like… I wanted the help from the Sharing, and I didn’t want to piss them off because I figured they’d just infest me anyway. After that, I just didn’t want to disappoint Silrin. But there’s no point feeling sorry for people like Sara. They’re never going to give a damn about me. Most humans hated me even before the Yeerks.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Alniss said softly. “You’re… you’re a wonderful person. Surely at least someone…”

Carla snorted. “You say that because you’re a Yeerk. You see me so differently to how other humans do. Silrin did too.”

“Humans are very different individually,” Alniss argued, disturbed by the way Carla seemed to feel about herself and her place within her own species. “They can’t all respond to you in the same way.”

“They don’t. Sara didn’t try to punch me. Most would, and many want me dead. She just doesn’t want me anywhere near her. That’s one of the milder reactions I’ve seen.”

Alniss said nothing for a few moments; she had no argument to return to that. Instead, she stroked Carla’s hair lightly, letting her breathing slow as she appreciated the comfort of the cushions beside her, the warmth of Carla’s body against her side. She let her eyes stray to the picture of Earth’s mountains opposite her, but it did not produce the fascination it normally did. She was still too worried, chewing over Carla’s words in her mind. Then, something occurred to her.

“What about Elsa?”

“Hmmm?” Carla murmured sleepily.

“What about Elsa? You told me she was quite nice to you when you saw her that time.”

Carla lifted her head slowly, turning to look at Alniss. “She was just pretending. Why would she want to be friendly to me? She hates Yeerks, she never stopped fighting them.”

Alniss shrugged, seeing it was useless to pursue the point further. “You’re probably right. Well, whatever they think of you, you know that I…” she trailed off, uncertain how to put the emotion into words. Would ‘love’ give the wrong impression? Her feelings for Carla were completely platonic, but humans didn’t tend to use that word to express non-romantic feelings unless they were talking about family.

Carla seemed to understand anyway, letting her head sink back down onto Alniss’ shoulder. “I know.”


	12. Chapter 12

Kalran put the final test tube into the centrifuge, then walked tiredly towards the door of the artificially-lit lab with its shiny white surfaces. Pulling off her safety glasses and shrugging off her lab coat, she put them both away in their proper place before heading to the toilets to wash her hands. A few minutes later, she was out of the building, carrying her lunchbox with her and heading towards the park across the street. The day was a little overcast, but Kalran always ate her lunch outside, except during thunderstorms. Not only did it allow her to appreciate the beauty of Earth more than she could in the dingy break room or clinical canteen, it also avoided her having to make small talk with her work mates. Most of them, in fact all of them bar the managers who’d hired her, thought she was human, and maintaining that ruse would be difficult if they got too friendly. 

She settled herself on a bench that overlooked a green clearing surrounded by trees. A man dressed in brightly coloured lycra jogged doggedly past her, and she had to stop herself from following him with her eyes to admire the bright neon green of his T-shirt. That could lead to an awkward conversation if he saw her staring, she thought to herself, concentrating instead on the bright pink petals on a nearby bush. She pulled out her lunch- a pasta salad today- and settled back against the hard surface of the bench. 

Before she had time to bring the first forkful to her mouth, however, the cell phone in her pocket rang. She took a moment to enjoy the sound of it as she pulled it out, but forced herself to answer it quickly.

“Hello?”

“Hey, slimy. How’s it going?”

Kalran smiled slightly. The voice was Sara’s, the nickname one of many slug or snail related ones she used from time to time. 

“OK. How’re you?” she said, then added a muttered: “monkey-brain.” Even though there was nothing in that comment that would reveal her identity, she still glanced around nervously and kept her voice low.

“I happen to be descended from apes, not monkeys,” Sara said in a mock-offended tone. “Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out. There’s a new Mexican place opened downtown, we should go before the Andalite tourists eat them out of enchiladas.”

Kalran gave a snort of laughter. 

“You can’t talk. I still haven’t got over last time, when you got ridiculously excited about the way the wine glass caught the light.”

Kalran smiled at the memory, but the joy was short-lived. “Does this mean you’ve forgiven me?”

“For the wine glass? Never. It was extremely embarrassing.”

Kalran shook her head automatically, even though Sara couldn’t see her. “For not telling you about Carla.”  
“I already did. You said sorry a week ago, like three times.”

Sara’s voice was hard to read, and Kalran wished at that moment she was inside her head, so she could feel her host’s emotions more clearly. “You were still angry then, though. I could sense it. It’s harder down the phone.”

“It’s fine, honestly,” Sara said emphatically, sounding sincere. “I wasn’t angry with you, really, I was angry with her.”

Kalran shifted uncomfortably on the bench. “If you knew her…”

“You’re not going to change my mind, so don’t even try. Do you want to go to this Mexican place tomorrow or not?”

“Sure. And thank you, Sara. You don’t know how much I need this.”

“No problem.” 

There was silence for a few moments, which Kalran didn’t feel any need to fill. When you’d shared a mind with someone for so long, you could share silence comfortably. After a few seconds, though, Sara spoke again.

“This meal… it isn’t just me.”

That surprised Kalran. Hastily swallowing down the mouthful of pasta she’d been chewing, she asked: “Who else is going to be there?”

Sara took a deep breath, which Kalran recognised as the precursor to a long explanation. “The other day I was at the mall, and I ran into a couple of other ex-hosts. Not peace movement ones. We got chatting and eventually I ended up telling them about you and Oglud, and what happened at the Pool the other day. You remember Elsa from my memories, right?”

“I remember her from mine,” Kalran said cautiously, unsure where this was going. “She threw a sweater at Visser Three and nearly got executed for it. Most of us remember that incident.”

Sara snorted. “How could I forget that one? Anyway, she was absolutely incensed on your behalf.”

Kalran almost choked on a mouthful of her lunch. “What?”

“No, no, really… I’d told her the three of you were part of the peace movement and what had happened and how someone had tried to attack… well, she said a lot of stuff, but it basically boils down to she thinks humanity in general should show the peace movement a bit more appreciation for what they did, and she wants to take you to dinner.”

“What?!”

Sara laughed. “Is that so odd? Elsa and the others want to say thank you. You risked starvation, torture and death every day for two years to fight for their freedom… our freedom. People should treat you differently to the rest of your species. I’m glad I’m not alone in thinking that.”

“Maybe I should escape being spat at in the street and called filth, then, but there’s really no need to treat me to enchiladas. I only did what was right.”

“Elsa wants to. And that girl is stubborn as hell, so you’d better just give in gracefully.”

\---

The next day, Kalran waited outside the apartment block, shifting nervously from foot to foot. Even the sunset, with all its pinks, golds and reds, was failing to distract her. A small yellow car drew up after what seemed like an hour’s wait, but was probably more like five minutes. Elsa had kindly offered to give her a lift, given the length of time it took to get the bus to the city centre from Kalran’s neighbourhood. Kalran took a deep breath, clenching her fingers against her palm, and stepped towards the door.

It opened before she reached it, Elsa reaching over from the driver’s seat to pull the handle. Sara was sitting in the back, one leg crossed over the other knee, which was an unusual position for her. Kalran looked at her host’s face to get a better read on her emotions; anxiety, definitely. That made Kalran try to force down her own nerves; the last thing Sara needed was to pick up on Kalran’s fear, too.

“Hi,” Elsa said from the front, and Kalran turned her attention to her. The girl’s long chestnut hair was loose around her shoulders, and she reached up to brush it away from her eyes. “Are you getting in?”

“Sorry,” Kalran murmured, clambering into the front seat clumsily and pulling the door shut behind her.

Elsa smiled at her. “You can relax. Tonight’s a thank you, remember?” She slid the car into drive and pulled away from the roadside. 

“Okay,” Kalran said hesitantly, trying to look less anxious.

“Huan, Alma and Kelly are meeting us there, and Illim and Adam are picking Ilkiss up,” Sara said from the back. “That’s everyone, Kal. There were more ex-hosts that wanted to come but I figured more than that and you might feel a bit outnumbered.”

“I still don’t like ex-host as a title,” Elsa muttered. “I’ve yet to come up with a better one, though. Didn’t Ilkiss have a host? Are they coming?”

“Sak’s a Hork-Bajir,” Sara pointed out. “I don’t think they do bark fajitas, and he lives in Yellowstone.”

“What about Oglud’s host?” Elsa asked.

“Taxxon,” Kalran answered. “Srynala lived with Ilkiss for a while, but she was lonely, she was the only Taxxon for miles. She went to join her fellows in the rainforest a few months ago.”

“Poor Oglud,” Sara muttered. “She’ll miss her.”

Elsa let out a bark of laughter, then seemed to realise how inappropriate it was. “Sorry. It’s just that my Yeerks would have loved it if I’d disappeared off to the rainforest, they wouldn’t have been able to hear all the names I was calling them.” Her face became more serious, and she glanced curiously at Kalran. “Would you miss Sara if she went off somewhere like that?”

Kalran nodded. “Yes.” A smile appeared on her face. “By the Kandrona, it still feels amazing to say that out loud without fearing execution.”

“Aww,” Sara teased. “I’d miss you, too. Who would I use all my brilliant snail puns on?”

Elsa snorted as she turned off into a narrower network of streets, heading towards the multi-storey car park. Kalran felt herself relaxing slightly, and allowed her eyes to stray out of the window, watching the bustling of humans moving back and forth. It was that time in the early evening when the crowd was very mixed: the odd few stragglers still dressed in office clothes and people heading back with bags of shopping mingled with others heading out for the night.

As Elsa parked the car Kalran felt the knot in her stomach return, though she was soothed slightly by the promise that Ilkiss and Illim, and Illim’s host Adam, would be there. She followed Elsa and Sara down the stairwell and out into the street, glancing nervously around her. The attack on the Pool had made her feel more fearful when walking around the city; it had only gone to show just what lengths humans might go to to hurt her. But her fear for herself was eclipsed by her terror for Oglud, who was so much more vulnerable.

A few minutes later, they were all sitting around a round, white-clothed table, listening to the sounds of cutlery clanking all around them, and cheerful guitar music playing quietly in the background. Kalran made eye contact with Ilkiss, who looked even more terrified than she felt, and tried to give him a reassuring smile, before taking a sip of wine.

Once they had ordered their food, Elsa looked around at them all, patiently waiting for a lull in the conversation between Sara and Alma before she spoke.

“Thanks for coming, everyone. I think all us humans know why we’re here. We heard what some idiot tried to do to the Pool and… well, personally I realised it was long overdue that I said thank you to at least some of the Peace Movement. I… I know the risks you took to help all of us here were enormous, and I just wanted you to know that I appreciate what you’ve done. I think we’d all like to tell Kalran and Ilkiss that we want to help Oglud, too. From what Sara’s told us she was in the peace movement as well, you all fought for us, and we’d like to help you in return.”

Kelly, Huan and Alma nodded in agreement. “It’s not fair, what’s happened to you two especially,” said Kelly, gesturing between Kalran and Ilkiss. “Not that I have any idea how Yeerk relationships work, but it can’t be good.”

Kalran glanced briefly at Ilkiss, but couldn’t hold the eye contact. She wasn’t sure exactly what Sara had told the others, but the separation from Oglud wasn’t their only problem. Neither of them were sure if it was due to Oglud’s absence or because they could no longer interact in their Yeerk form, but her and Ilkiss’ feelings for each other had rapidly deteriorated after they’d trapped themselves as humans. Six months ago they’d mutually agreed not to refer to each other as mates anymore. Kalran felt a lump of tears forming in her throat at the thought. Yeerk tripartite bonds were meant to be built up over a lifetime; they were strong, and breaking them was incredibly painful, the more so the longer they’d been together. She supposed the same was true of humans, but human long-term relationships were much more likely to dissolve than Yeerk ones.

She felt a hand touch hers under the table, and glanced sideways to see Sara looking at her sympathetically. She squeezed her host’s hand in an attempt at reassurance, and tried to force herself to tune back into the conversation.

“So I want to say thank you, too,” Huan was saying, looking between the three Yeerks.

Alma must have said something as well while Kalran was lost in thought, as the humans fell silent after Huan’s comment.

“You really don’t need to thank us,” Ilkiss said slowly. “It was the right thing to do, not a special extra that deserves gratitude.”

Kalran nodded in agreement. “And our hosts deserve recognition too. They could have asked us to leave them and we would, of course, but they would have struggled to escape without being recaptured and revealing who we were. They didn’t ask that of us. Most of them chose to fight… to accept infestation, which I’m sure you’ll all agree is no small feat.”

Sara shook her head emphatically at that. “Much as I’d like to accept the credit, and more importantly the free food, it was in our best interests to fight to save our own freedom. We didn’t have much to lose. You had everything to lose and you could quite easily have stuck to the Empire line and not risked execution, but you made the right choice. That’s why we’ve done this, so stop pretending you don’t deserve it.”

Kalran was saved from having to respond by the arrival of appetizers. She dug in hungrily to the pile of nachos, glad that the food meant she didn’t have to find something else to say.

By the time the appetizers were finished, the conversation had turned to lighter topics.

“What are you doing now, then?” Elsa asked Kalran, apparently genuinely curious. “Do you work?”

Kalran nodded. “As a technician at the university’s biology lab. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone that, though. All my colleagues think I’m human.”

Elsa frowned. “Any ex-hosts among them?” she asked, her tone forceful for the first time.

That hadn’t really been a complication Kalran had thought of, but she could see Elsa’s point. “Not that I know of. But if we told everyone who we were…”

Elsa nodded. “It’s difficult, I guess. I imagine you’d get a lot of hate. But I wouldn’t want to be working with a Yeerk and not know.”

Kalran bit her lip and looked away. The idea of telling her colleagues that she was a Yeerk was unappealing at best and dangerous at worst, but Elsa’s words had made her wonder whether it was a moral imperative. She didn’t think that any of the people she worked with were former Controllers, but she didn’t know for certain.

“Should I tell them?” she asked hesitantly, dreading the answer.

Elsa frowned and bit her lip, clearly undecided. “Not if you think it might get you hurt. You don’t deserve that.”

“I wouldn’t.” Sara came to Kalran’s defence. “It could be dangerous, and even if it isn’t it would probably make work miserable.”

Elsa nodded slowly. “I understand that. Sorry, Kalran. I thought the work question would be light-hearted and avoid anything awkward. Should have thought more carefully.” She paused. “So… er, seen any good TV lately?”

Kalran looked up at her, swallowing the last of her nacho. “I watch a lot of Discovery Channel. You know, natural history documentaries. Earth really does have fascinating biology.”

Sara grinned in a way that told Kalran she was about to be teased. “She was moaning the other day that mammals were over-represented, though. We need to feature more molluscs, apparently.”

Elsa laughed, and Kalran relaxed enough to smile. When the main course came, she was calm enough to feel hungry, and dug into her fajita with enthusiasm. 

Kelly, who had been chatting to Illim and his host Adam, turned towards her.

“It’s good food here, right?”

Kalran nodded. “Wonderful. It makes a change not to have cooked it: I’m usually the chef at home.”

Kelly frowned slightly. “You know, I’ve been wondering how on Earth they found you guys all housing.”

Kalran shifted uncomfortably. She knew there’d been a lot of ill feeling about this when they’d first been given the morphing power. While the influx of wealth California had received from trade deals with other planets and tourism associated with the Animorphs had helped with housing, some people were still resentful of Yeerks taking up homes and employment that, in their view, belonged to humans. The problem was made worse as human authorities had refused voluntary hosts as an option, and had given Yeerks the choice of morphing humans or non-sentients, as Hork-Bajir were considered incapable of consent. Kalran, who had had a Hork-Bajir host, disagreed with this. While Hork-Bajir might not be able to explain what DNA exactly was or how it worked, they understood the concept of making a copy of someone’s body. And not all humans understood DNA either.

“I’m not sure. They managed. I’m in an apartment with five others: we share rooms in pairs.”

“Did you get to choose who to live with?” Huan asked. 

His question made Kalran belatedly realise that most of the table was now tuned into her conversation with Kelly, though Illim and Adam were still talking quietly to each other.

“No,” Kalran answered. “They placed us at random, although they did make sure we shared rooms in same-gender pairs. The gender of our morphs, that is. Because obviously we’re all the same and there couldn’t possibly be any problems putting Yeerks of vastly differing political opinion together, but heaven forbid I have to share a room with a boy.” 

Kelly snorted with laughter, which was a relief. Kalran had realised as she was saying it that she might sound ungrateful, and was concerned about how it would be received. 

“That’s humans for you.”

Feeling calmer, Kalran took another bite of fajita, trying to concentrate on the flavours, the sensory pleasures she was usually so grateful for. It was hard, though, as she still felt very nervous.

When they were nearly finished with their main courses, Elsa cleared her throat again, looking around until the other conversations died out. Kalran nervously put down her cutlery; Elsa was looking directly at her.

“Kalran, Ilkiss, we all want to help you campaign for a better deal for Oglud, and the others in the Pool. We wanted to say thank you today, but we also wanted to ask what we can do to help. Maybe if there was anyone willing to volunteer themselves as a host body… not that I’m signing up for that. But I’ll help fight for other people’s rights to do it, and given the number of voluntary hosts there were in the war there’d surely be some people willing to give Oglud and the others a chance.”

“I’d do it,” Sara said quickly. Adam nodded and made a noise of assent as well. “Only for the peace movement ones, but you could probably find hosts for the others.”

Elsa nodded. “I’m sure we could. What can we do to help that happen?” She looked expectantly between Kalran and Ilkiss.

Kalran shook her head slowly. “Nothing. There’s no point trying. Not that it isn’t very generous of you to offer, but they’ll never allow it.”

Sara groaned frustratedly, burying her head in her hands. “You see how difficult she is?”

Kalran glanced sideways at her host. She was impressed that Sara was so keen to fight for a Yeerk’s chance to see the world, to interact with their mates, but she also wished Sara would just give up on it. Every time she raised it felt like a blow to Kalran’s chest.

“Who’s they?” Kelly asked.

“The government, and more importantly the Andalites,” Ilkiss said slowly. “They hate us.”

Elsa stared at him. “The Andalites? Excuse me, but whose planet are Oglud and the others on?”

“Yours,” Illim said hastily. “But they still wouldn’t be very happy with the humans if…”

“They weren’t exactly happy with us about the nothlit Yeerks, either,” Adam pointed out. “And in fairness that is their technology. They’ve got a lot less right to complain about this.”

Ilkiss shook his head. “The Andalites are disgusted by the idea of infestation. Any infestation, voluntary or…” he glanced at Elsa, Kelly and Huan, and trailed off.

Elsa smiled. “Yep, I’m with them on that one. Don’t like the slug in the ear thing at all, not planning on ever signing up for it. Other things I don’t like and will never willingly do include parachute jumps, touching spiders and eating spinach. But no-one is forcing me to do them, and no-one is going to force the Andalites or anyone else to host a Yeerk if they don’t want to. If other people want a Yeerk that’s their decision, isn’t it? As long as we make sure it actually is their decision.”

“I can’t imagine the Andalites agreeing with you,” Kalran argued. “Although your attitude does you great credit, all of you, after everything you’ve been through.”

“It’s nothing to do with the Andalites,” Huan said calmly. His dark eyes radiated steady purpose, resolve, something Kalran felt had disappeared from her own soul. “It’s our soil, it’s our planet, and it’s our people’s brains. If the Andalites want to ban their own from ever willingly taking on a Yeerk that’s their business, but if we say it’s OK for humans to do then they can’t contradict us.”

“I don’t think the human government will ever say that,” Ilkiss argued.

Elsa nodded. “It’ll take work, sure. But we can try and campaign, pester them until they do something. Especially if you guys help.”

Kalran felt like she was caught in a strong current, pulling the centre of her body down to the base of the Pool, away from the life-giving light of the Kandrona. “I can’t. I’ve no strength left… it’s like I’ve finally freed myself from klisamu weeds, but the struggle has so exhausted me that all I can do now is sink.” She looked between Illim and Ilkiss, the only two who would understand the simile.

The humans seemed to get the gist of it, though, as Sara touched her arm, and Elsa, Kelly and Huan looked at her pityingly. “I’m sorry, Kal,” Sara muttered.

“What about you, Ilkiss?” Kelly asked. “Can you work with us?”

Ilkiss shook his head slowly. 

“I can,” Illim piped up from the other end of the table. “The Animorphs know who I am, too. That might help.”

Kalran felt like she was fighting a weight on top of her head as she raised it to look at him. “That’s very kind of you, schrellatie,” she murmured. She saw the humans frown at the unfamiliar word, but didn’t feel she had the energy to explain it.

Illim smiled, waving a hand to dismiss her praise. “I know people in there too,” he said. “Not as close as you maybe, but a couple of siblings… some friends… I do worry about how vulnerable they are. The security seems to be good, for the most part, but they’d be safer dispersed in hosts, or in a few Pools in different locations. And trapped in the Pool forever without even the prospect of a host… it seems very unfair, after everything the rest of us have got.”

Sara nodded. “Exactly.” She glanced across at Kalran, the puzzlement and exasperation clear in her eyes.

Kalran looked away across the restaurant. Sara just didn’t seem to understand how impossible even simple things felt at the moment, a feeling that was only getting worse with time. Sometimes Kalran struggled to even get out of bed; the thought of fighting a national, maybe even international campaign to make voluntary infestation legal made her feel so tired she wished she could curl up and sleep right there.

Kalran jumped slightly at a touch on her arm. Elsa was looking at her, and when she met the girl’s eyes she saw at least an attempt at understanding in them. 

“You okay?”

Kalran nodded slowly, even though she felt very far from okay. “Thank you,” she said simply. 

A slight upward movement played at the corner of Elsa’s mouth. “Do you know what I did this afternoon? I took my little sister to the park for a few hours. I took her. Me. Not Innis, because he was feeling a bit bad after all my begging, or even worse, Filit, because my parents had noticed I’d been spending no time with my family and she was worried about her cover. No, I took her, and watched her on the zip wire and played hide and seek and made silly faces and bought her an ice cream. Thank you for fighting for my freedom to do that.”

“It wasn’t just us… the Animorphs…”

“I reckon they get enough thank-yous. Marco Garcia’s made millions from the war. You’re shoved into a tiny apartment with other Yeerks you might not even get on with and have to hide who you are half the time and… well, I imagine you don’t get much gratitude for what you’ve done.”

“From Sara, sometimes,” Kalran said, trying to keep her tone light. “When she’s got enough breath to spare from all the slug puns.”

“Well, I do have a whole host of them,” Sara piped up. “Get it?”

Kalran looked despairingly at Elsa, who was smirking. “That has to be one of your worst ones.”

“Seriously, though,” Sara continued. “We’ll make sure Oglud’s safe and we’ll find them a host, Kal, whether you can help or not. Between the two of us we’ve enough stubbornness to sort out anything.” She gestured between herself and Elsa. 

Elsa laughed. “Yep. Though my stubbornness machine needs dessert first.” 

She passed a menu across to Kalran, who felt the first unforced smile she’d given in days appear on her face.

“So, what’re you having?”


	13. Chapter 13

Carla stared into the bathroom mirror. The light in the room was harsh and unforgiving, making the shadows under Carla’s eyes stand out more than they should, but she was still glad of it. She’d woken after a nightmare and somehow managed to sneak out of the bedroom without waking Alniss, something that was unprecedented. She’d needed a room without shadows to chase the darkness of the nightmare away.

Slowly, Carla reached up to the top of her right ear, pulling the skin down to expose the small, black S tattooed behind it. Looking at the tattoo sometimes soothed her, in the absence of a grave or a memorial, but Carla quickly let go again today. Her nightmare had been more of a memory, really, at least at first. Much as she’d loved Silrin, Carla’s first trip to the Yeerk Pool proper had not been a pleasant experience, and while it hadn’t in reality ended with Carla being pulled into a cage and approached by an involuntary with a knife, which had been the dream version, the real memory was still pushing in relentlessly at the edges of her mind.

_The stairs were dark, rough-hewn and seemingly endless, the small electric lights on the damp stone walls placed too far apart to fully illuminate them. Carla felt nervous, a feeling she wasn’t sure was entirely her own, as Silrin had been strangely quiet on their way to the mall, and had only got quieter as they’d moved into the Gap changing room and down through the secret entrance._

_(It’s okay,) Silrin said, clearly reading Carla’s thoughts. (There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m sorry I’ve not been speaking much to you… I’m just hungry. This is when I eat.)_

_(What’s going to happen?) Carla asked, still feeling panicky._

_(In about five minutes we’ll reach a large cavern,) Silrin said softly. A picture of the cavern appeared in Carla’s mind, then zoomed in to show a small lake filled with what looked like the same sludgy liquid Carla had encountered three days earlier, when the Yeerk had first entered her mind. (In the centre of the cavern is what we call a Pool. We Yeerks must enter the Pool to absorb nutrients and a kind of radiation called Kandrona rays. It’s like when you eat, Carla… if I didn’t do it, I’d die.) She paused to let that sink in. (I’ll walk to the end of the pier and I’ll leave your head and enter the Pool. One of the Hork-Bajir Controllers will look after you.)_

_Another mental picture appeared, this time of a terrifying lizard creature, covered in blades, that must have been about seven feet tall. (The Hork-Bajir look fierce, but they are gentle creatures, and besides, this one will have a Yeerk in its head, just like me. They’ll take you somewhere comfortable to wait for a few hours until I have fed, then I’ll return to you.)_

_(Where do I wait? Do I go back up to the mall? How will I know when I need to come back?)_

_(No, you wait down here,) Silrin said quietly. (There’s a room for you to wait in… I think it has a TV, and some snacks, that kind of thing.)_

_(You think? Don’t you know?) Carla knew Silrin had had a human host before… surely, she’d waited in the same place, so Silrin would know what it looked like even if she’d never been there herself._

_There was a hesitation before Silrin answered, and Carla felt a strange disconnection from the Yeerk: she no longer had a sense of what Silrin was feeling. Before she could ask any more, however, a horrifying sound reached her ears: a long, blood-curdling scream._

_Carla felt panic rising inside her mind, and instinctively tried to stop dead. Her body, however, carried on moving steadily for a few steps. Silrin turned Carla’s head, looking all round them, before she came to a halt._

_(It’s OK,) she said soothingly._

_Carla was in no mood to be soothed, though, as now she was listening more carefully she could hear other cries. (What’s happening?)_

_(It’s fine. It’s normal.) Silrin seemed uncomfortable, though Carla still couldn’t feel the emotion when Silrin wasn’t speaking._

_(NORMAL?!) Carla exclaimed incredulously, trying desperately to think what could be causing the cries. (But… but Talen told me it doesn’t hurt, she told me…)_

_(It won’t hurt,) Silrin said gently. (I’ll release the same painkillers I did when I came in. I would never hurt you, Carla.)_

_Carla tried to nod, and belatedly realised she actually had; Silrin must have released some control. She still couldn’t move the rest of her body, or speak verbally, however. She believed the Yeerk, but that still didn’t explain the source of the screams._

_(OK. I trust you. But why are people screaming?)_

_There was a long silence. (Not… not everyone wants their Yeerks back,) Silrin said quietly. (Some humans don’t want to be infested.)_

_Carla’d suspected as much, from the moment Talen had told her about the Yeerks. She didn’t believe for a moment that every single person the Sharing approached had agreed to infestation, and if they let those ones who didn’t go she was pretty sure the secret would have been out by now. But the screams... the cries… that was something she hadn’t been prepared for._

_As she stood there thinking, Carla became aware of another sound: footsteps on the stone behind them. Instantly, her body began to move again._

_(Sorry,) Silrin said to her. (I can’t be seen to just be standing here… they… they might…)_

_Carla became aware of a cold dread from her Yeerk, and her anger at being moved again before she was ready evaporated. (It’s OK.)_

_Her terror only grew, though, as they went further down the stairs and she began to hear individual words within the cries._

_“No! No! No!”_

_“Go to hell, slug!”_

_“Help! Somebody help us!”_

_Then they emerged into the cavern itself, and Carla wanted to stop dead again, wanted to turn and run away, but her body kept moving forward._

_(If we ran away, I’d starve,) Silrin whispered to her._

_Carla didn’t want that to happen. She’d come to care about the Yeerk over the last few days, but her instinct was still to start running and never look back. There were cages down here, packed with people crying, screaming, holding each other or, what was strangely even worse, sitting silently, staring into space. Carla had never imagined such a sight, not even when she’d heard the screams._

_Instinctively, Carla wanted to stare, but she felt her eyes being pulled away from the row of cages, fixing determinedly on a line of much calmer humans walking out to the end of a pier._  
.  
(Silrin… what… why…) Carla was lost for words. 

_(I wish we didn’t have to do that to them,) Silrin said quietly. (I can hardly bear it myself. But we have to, Carla. Can’t you imagine how the human governments would react if they found out we were here? They’d kill us all. They’d kill Talen… they’d kill me.)_

_That did make some sense… if they let all those people go at once Carla knew the human government would probably attack them. (But why come to Earth at all?)_

_(We’re at war, Carla. There’s another species called the Andalites… they hate us, they want to kill us all. Without hosts…) A picture of a small, green-grey slug appeared in Carla’s head. (Without hosts we’re blind, we can barely hear, our movement is very limited, and we’re tiny, soft, vulnerable slugs. Take us out of liquid and we’d dry out and die within a few hours. Take us away from Kandrona and we’d die within a few days. The Andalites, on the other hand…) Another picture appeared in Carla’s mind: a tall, swift four-legged creature with four eyes, two hands and a sharp scorpion tail. (Without hosts, we could never win against the Andalites. They’d kill us all.)_

_Carla felt desperately torn. How much could she really do to help those people? All she’d manage to accomplish would be to join them. But how could she just do nothing when…?_

_(Oh, Carla, please don’t.)_

_Silrin’s distress was so palpable it was physical, turning Carla’s stomach and making tears prickle behind her eyes._

_(Don’t fight, please. You’re right, it would accomplish nothing and we… we get on well, don’t we? You like me being here, you care about me already, despite how strange this is for you. And I care about you, too… it would hurt me to see you hurt, I’d miss the conversations we have… please…)_

_Carla felt another wave of emotion hit her at Silrin’s words. She did care about Silrin… she’d never had a relationship this intimate before, her relationship with her mother having been troubled and increasingly distant as she got older, and her relationship with her father non-existent as far as she could remember. While she’d only known the Yeerk three days, the depth of their mind-to-mind contact made it feel much longer. Silrin had shown her a depth of understanding and kindness that she’d thought only existed in dreams and Disney movies, and Carla was desperate not to disappoint her._

_As she was thinking this, however, two Hork-Bajir passed them bearing a woman between them. The woman was flailing her legs, making a loud clanging sound as she kicked helplessly against the metal pier._

_“Get your hands off me, filth!” She screamed frantically, her eyes roaming desperately over the line of impassive people queuing to release their Yeerks into the sludgy pool._

_Carla would have felt sick, if the link between her emotions and the bodily expression of them wasn’t interrupted by Silrin. The woman passed them, the sound of her kicks and screams getting fainter as she was taken away down the pier. Silrin kept their eyes facing forwards. They were close to the front of the line, now, and one of the huge lizards- Hork-Bajir, Carla reminded herself- turned to face them._

_“Name?”_

_“Silrin six-nine-three,” Silrin replied formally, not a trace of her turbulent emotions audible in her voice._

_The Hork-Bajir peered at a small handheld device that looked a little like a TV remote, except that it contained a screen, and pressed something on it._

_“First time host,” it stated. “Voluntary or cage?”_

_(Carla,) Silrin said inside her head. (Carla, I need to tell him… are you going to try and fight?)_

_(I…) Carla hesitated. She wanted to look around, to look back at the caged hosts, but of course she couldn’t. (I don’t know.)_

_“Glahish!” The Hork-Bajir said. Carla didn’t understand the word, but from Silrin’s reaction it sounded like he was telling her to hurry up._

_(Please, Carla,) Silrin moaned._

_The panic in the Yeerk’s tone shocked her. She’d never heard Silrin sounding anything but calm and gentle until today. She was clearly desperate to keep their friendship, even though she’d have total control of Carla’s body either way. Carla didn’t think anyone else in her life had ever cared so much about what she thought of them, and it was that realisation that made her decision._

_(I won’t fight. I promise.)_

_Carla felt a tsunami of relief and joy flowing into her from Silrin, who spoke immediately._

_“Voluntary,” she said, unable to keep a small smile from creeping onto Carla’s face._

_“Hashik… certain?”_

_“Certain.”_

_The Hork-Bajir pressed another button on his device, nodded curtly, and gestured them towards the edge of the pier, where another group of Hork-Bajir were waiting. The queue ahead of them had cleared in the time Carla had spent making her decision._

_Silrin stepped forward and knelt down at the edge of the water. Two of the Hork-Bajir moved a little closer._

_“Voluntary?” one of them confirmed._

_Silrin nodded. “Yes. She doesn’t know where she’s going… she’s nervous… can you…?”_

_One of the Hork-Bajir nodded again. “I’ll take care of her,” she said reassuringly._

_Silrin nodded. “Alsh’mara,” she said to the Hork-Bajir, before lowering her head so Carla’s ear dipped below the surface of the water._

_(I’ll see you in a few hours,) Silrin said softly. (Thank you, Carla, you’ve done so well with all of this.)  
(Enjoy your dinner,) Carla managed to say despite her nerves, wanting to reassure Silrin that she still liked her, though of course that was pointless. Silrin could see, couldn’t she?_

_(Thank you. Keep your head as still as you can until I’ve left your ear. The Hork-Bajir Controller will take you from there.)_

_(OK,) Carla said, then felt the strange sensation of a gradual loss of contact with Silrin’s emotions and consciousness. Then, she felt parts of her body gradually coming back under her own control- her right foot, then her right leg, travelling all up that side of her body before releasing her left side. Finally, she felt the strange, anaesthetised feeling of Silrin moving through her right ear canal, until the tip of Silrin’s tail slid over the base of Carla’s ear, and she felt safe enough to slowly move her head, pushing herself up onto her feet._

_The Hork-Bajir from earlier was standing close to her, a hand hovering over her shoulder but not touching. “I am Miliss,” the Hork-Bajir said, her words slow. Carla would later find out that slowing speech down to an almost glacial rate was one of the few ways to counteract the tendency of Hork-Bajir brains to mix languages. She removed a device like the one the other Hork-Bajir had had from a belt around her waist, and glanced at it. “You are Carla?”_

_“Yes.”_

_Miliss nodded. “I’ll take you to the lounge. You can wait there. Come with me, please.” Miliss waved a Hork-Bajir arm, beckoning Carla to her side, and began the long walk back down the steel pier. Carla could see the cages more clearly now, her eyes drawn constantly back to them now she was back in control. Her eyes fixed on a man, smartly dressed as though he had come from some high-flying job, sobbing uncontrollably in a corner, then travelled to a young woman who was screaming, spitting and swearing as she was dragged from her cage by the guards._

_Carla felt a shudder go through her body as she watched the Hork-Bajir dragging the woman away towards a second pier, which was full of similar scenes of anger and despair._

_“So, Carla,” Miliss began from next to her, “what do you do, up there?” she gestured towards the stairs leading out of the Pool. “Do you work?”_

_Carla shrugged. “Sometimes. Not right now, though. I… I was kind of in a bad place when I joined the Sharing. They said they’d be able to find me a job, though, once they’d sorted out some other stuff.”_

_Miliss nodded. “I’m sure we will. What did you do when you were working?”_

_Carla wasn’t sure why the Yeerk was so interested, but felt rude ignoring her, even though her mind kept being distracted by the things she could see and hear. They were rapidly leaving the pool and its cages behind, though, heading towards the buildings that lined the cavern’s edge._

_“Lots of different stuff. Retail. Cleaning. Serving in restaurants and bars. I liked that last one the best.” Carla glanced away, looking at a collection of strange worm-like creatures that were congregating near to one of the buildings, hissing excitedly. Taxxons, she reminded herself._

_“That’s great. I think they always need skilled servers at the Sharing. Though it depends on your Yeerk’s skill set, too. What did she do before you, do you know?”_

_Carla pulled her gaze back to Miliss’. “I think she was a fighter pilot, for a while.”_

_Miliss made a strange clicking sound with her beak, which Carla took for a sign of admiration based on the words that followed. “Wow, she sounds brave. Skilled, too, you have to have fast reactions for that kind of work. What host body did she have for that, then? Was it a Taxxon?”_

_“I think so. She said they have naturally quick reactions and they’re very nimble,” Carla recited. They were now approaching a doorway in the side of one of the buildings, which Miliss held open for her. As soon as it shut, the cries and shouts became markedly quieter. Instead, Carla could hear the sound of a TV, and gentle chatter._

_“This is where you’ll wait,” Miliss said. “I’ll show you round.” She’d reached another door, which she opened to reveal an assortment of humans, Hork-Bajir and Taxxons, spread across a large room. On the back wall there was a large TV surrounded by comfortable chairs, sofas and beanbags. Shelves full of videos covered the wall nearest to them, and there were small tables dotted around among the chairs. Looking away from there, to her left, Carla saw a long table with an assortment of drinks and snacks, although it was a very strange assortment. There were no chips or cookies, as you might expect. Instead, carrot batons and dips, dried fruit and nuts seemed to feature heavily, along with small sandwiches on brown bread, bowls of salad and platters of fresh fruit. Alongside these things, however, were bowls of what Carla was almost certain was tree bark._

_“You can take any snacks and drinks you want,” Miliss said. “We put human and Hork-Bajir foods in here; Taxxons have a connecting corridor through to their feeding sheds, because their food can be rather more messy. There’s a TV area if you want to use it here too.” She stepped further into the room, beckoning Carla to follow her. Just after the TV area, the wall came in a little, making a narrower space, and there were several doors off to the right, going into the cavern wall. “This is the access route to the Taxxon feeding sheds. Don’t go down there: Taxxons are dangerous when they’re feeding. This leads to the bathrooms for Hork-Bajir… again, you probably won’t want to use that.”_

_A little more relaxed now she could no longer hear or see what was going on outside, Carla smiled._

_“This you might want to use,” Miliss said, indicating the third door. “It’ll take you down to the bathroom for humans. We’ve got showers down there too, if you ever want to use them.” Once they walked past the door to the bathrooms, the room opened up again into a wider space. A few exercise bikes and treadmills were lined up against the walls, and there was a space in the centre with a smooth floor and no carpet. Energetic music played from a stereo on the wall, and there was a rack of CDs beneath it. As well as humans pedalling away on the exercise bikes, there were a few Hork-Bajir doing some sort of bizarre dance in the open space._

_“Our exercise area,” Miliss said, continuing to walk past towards a door in the wall at the far end. Once it was opened, Carla could see a smaller room containing a range of comfortable chairs, couches and cushions, this time with books and magazines dotted about on tables, and a stereo in the corner which was playing calm, quiet music. “This is our quieter space.” She pointed to a door at the far end of the room. “That door leads through to sub-Visser 150’s command room… her office, if you like. She’s in charge of managing existing hosts for this sector. She might want to talk with you today, just to see how you are. She’ll come and find you, if that’s the case, and someone will come for you in about two hours, to take you to the Pool for Silrin.”_

_Carla nodded. “Okay.”_

_Miliss made a facial expression that Carla didn’t understand, lifting the upper part of her bird-like beak towards her eyes and slightly sideways to the left, while the lower part moved sideways to the right. She hoped that was a smile. “Do you need anything else?”_

_Carla shook her head, then realised this might be as foreign to Miliss as Miliss’ expression had been to her. “No, thank you.”_

_“I’ll leave you, then,” Miliss said gently. “Enjoy.”_

_Carla watched Miliss’ bladed back retreat as she sank into a squashy armchair, thoughts and emotions racing through her mind._

Carla abruptly came back to the reality of the bright, white bathroom at a tap on the door.

“Hey,” someone was whispering. “You okay in there?”

Carla hastily reached up to wipe at the salty tracks of tears on her cheeks. She hadn’t even realised she’d been crying. Clicking the lock back as quietly as possible, she came face-to-face with Kalran.

“Carla? Couldn’t sleep?”

She shook her head. 

“Want to talk about it? You look upset.” Kalran’s voice was gentle, coaxing, her body leaning forwards slightly as she asked the question.

Carla, however, felt this was the last person in the apartment she wanted to explain her dream to. Kalran would probably sympathise with any involuntary who wanted to hurt Carla, although maybe not quite to the extent of knifing her. “You wouldn’t understand.”

Kalran shrugged. “Maybe not. Well, I’m always ready to talk if you ever feel like seeing if that’s true.” She paused. “Can I get you anything? A cup of tea, maybe?”

Carla had expected Kalran to push a little harder for an answer- any of the other Yeerks would have done, and Alniss would not have rested until Carla told her everything that was going on in her mind. A hot drink and a bit of aimless chatter sounded a lot better than rehashing her dream, and she found herself nodding. “Okay. Thanks.”

A few minutes later, they were seated in the living room, hot mugs of camomile tea resting on the scratched coffee table. There was silence for a few minutes, but Carla could feel herself beginning to slip back into unpleasant memories, so hastened to find something to say. “How come you’re awake at this time, anyway?”

Kalran looked at her hesitantly. “Sometimes I just don’t sleep well.”

Carla said nothing, looking steadily back at her.

“I guess… I miss Oglud and Ilkiss, and, well… lots of things, I suppose.” Kalran shook her head slightly. “Anyway, you don’t need to listen to all my problems.”

That reminded Carla of something she’d wanted to ask Kalran for a while, but she’d never been sure if it was the right time. “I… I know you don’t think there’s any way you can help Oglud get out of the Pool, but I was wondering… would you mind if I tried to do something to help them?”

Kalran smiled. “I don’t have a monopoly on trying to help those Yeerks, you know, just because my mate happens to be one of them. Of course you can try, if you want to.”

Carla felt a rush of surprise: she hadn’t expected Kalran to say yes. She felt a smile creeping onto her face for the first time that night. “What can I do? Who have you already tried asking- you said Cassie, right?”

Kalran nodded. “The state governor, the president, anyone in congress I thought would be vaguely sympathetic… various lower-ranking politicians… I even wrote to a couple of newspapers. One interviewed me, but the piece she wrote was just about how horrific involuntary infestation was and how sorry I was for my part in it. Which is fair enough, in my view… I’m not saying I don’t need to answer for what I did, not at all, but they didn’t mention anything about Oglud or the others, anything about what I had done to fight the Empire… Sara was fuming when she saw it.”

Carla jerked slightly at the mention of Sara’s name, feeling suddenly ill. Kalran noticed.

“She wouldn’t hurt you, you know. It’s not in her nature.”

Carla said nothing, looking down at the ground. She could feel tears pricking behind her eyelids.

“I’m sorry,” Kalran said gently, sounding sincere. “I shouldn’t have mentioned her.”

Carla shrugged. “She’s your host,” she said, straining to sound nonchalant and relaxed. “Of course you’re going to talk about her.” Carla averted her eyes, looking towards the kitchen area. A few clean mugs were stacked on the draining board, but otherwise it was extremely tidy. Menhal’s work: he was incredibly neat. Carla had wondered in the past whether that was something to do with the genetic mix of his human morph, or part of his Yeerk personality.

Kalran didn’t speak for a while, and when she did her voice was hesitant. “If you’re feeling guilty, remember that I’ve hurt her far more than you ever could.”

Carla frowned slightly, but still didn’t meet Kalran’s eyes. “Who said I was feeling guilty? Anyway, you can’t have hurt her, you were in the peace movement.”

“Not at first. Not until I’d been in her over a month.”

Kalran’s voice was cracking, which made Carla finally raise her eyes to meet hers. When she did, she saw they were full of tears. Carla felt at a loss to say something to make the Yeerk feel better. Her instinctive response, which was that Sara would have suffered less by accepting the situation and trying to befriend Kalran, would certainly not be well-received.

“She seems to like you now,” Carla said gently, after half a minute’s silence. “A lot more than she likes me.”

Kalran nodded shakily. “Yes. She’s incredibly forgiving.”

“Well, you must have done something right. And… you’re really kind, or you seem that way, anyway. I’m sure she could’ve got someone worse than you, even at the start.”

“That’s not really the point… but thank you.” Kalran took another sip of her tea. The tears had stopped coming, now, but they still left glistening tracks on her face. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

Carla sighed. “No.”

Kalran said nothing, but slowly set the tea down, her eyes never leaving Carla’s face. 

“I… my dream… it was about my first time at the Pool.”

Kalran nodded. “Mmm,” was all she said, the noise inviting.

“I mean, it wasn’t accurate. In the dream I somehow ended up in a cage and someone tried to…” she broke off, looking down. “But then, after I woke up, I started remembering properly.”

“It seems like it’s a distressing memory for you.”

Carla looked down at the worn carpet. “I guess… I mean, it wasn’t… I liked Silrin, even then. I was glad when she came back in my head.”

“Mmm,” Kalran murmured again.

“I… it was the others.”

“Others? Other Yeerks?”

Carla shook her head. “The… the humans. The ones who didn’t…” she trailed off. “I- I don’t want to- I can’t talk about it,” she said in a rush, still avoiding eye contact.

“That’s okay.”

Carla took a few deep, shuddering breaths, trying to stop herself crying. “I’m sorry.”

Kalran frowned. “Why are you apologising to me?”

Carla looked at her, confused. “I’m wasting your time.”

Kalran’s eyes widened. “Of course you’re not.” She sighed. “This is one of the times I miss my Yeerk body. It’s so hard to communicate accurately like this.”

Carla knew what she meant. With Silrin, emotions had almost always come with words: she could feel things like warmth and honesty coming across to her whenever the Yeerk spoke. Sometimes, words weren’t even needed: the emotions were enough. “I feel like that too,” Carla said quietly. “I miss being infested… that’s probably wrong, isn’t it?”

“No,” Kalran said emphatically but softly, drawing out the vowel. “Of course it isn’t.”

There was silence for a few minutes. Carla slowly sipped her tea, trying to concentrate on the taste like Silrin had taught her.

“You know… Ilkiss and I are going to see Oglud in three days. Do you want to come with us?”

Carla looked up sharply, frowning. “You’re not thinking of putting Oglud in my head, are you? What’d they do to her if someone found out?”

“Of course not!” Kalran looked horrified, and Carla instantly regretted what she’d said. “By the Kandrona, they’d kill her! No… I just thought you might want to talk to her… I suppose I should say them.” Kalran shook her head exasperatedly. “Your language needs more pronouns… anyway, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just thought you might like to meet each other. It raises her spirits a lot whenever I tell her about someone who’s on her side, who wants things to change.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking straight. Of course you wouldn’t risk… but I’d love to meet her!” 

Kalran’s face was split by a joyful smile. “That’s wonderful! We were going to leave here at six Wednesday night- is that okay?”

Carla nodded, yawning as she did so. “That sounds perfect,” she said, setting her empty mug down.


	14. Chapter 14

Sara pulled a blue plate from a cupboard and emptied a pack of Oreos onto it before pouring water into her coffee maker and looking at her watch. Five minutes. She walked across to the tall fridge at the other side of the kitchen, taking out the milk and pouring it into a small blue jug before returning it and taking seven mugs out of another cupboard. Once she’d arranged these next to the coffee maker, which was just beginning to drip coffee through into the large glass jug below it, she heard the first ring of the buzzer. She hurried through into the hallway and lifted the intercom off the hook.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Adam, and… uh…”

“Ian,” Illim’s voice supplied quickly.

Sara shook her head, smiling to herself. How had Adam not memorised his Yeerk’s alias by now? “Sure, come on up,” she said, pressing the button that would let them into the building. Her cell phone buzzed in her pocket.

_There in 10. Sorry, lost my alarm clock a few years ago. Was an Innis 457 edition, grey in colour. Still enjoying the lie-ins. Elsa._

Sara snorted with laughter as she opened the door, revealing Illim and Adam. 

“Morning,” Adam said as he stepped over the threshold.

“Hi. There’s coffee in the kitchen if you want any.” The buzzer went again, and Sara gestured Illim and Adam through into the kitchen while she answered it, letting in Kelly and Huan, followed in a couple of minutes by Alma. They all settled in the living room with coffee.

“Elsa’s going to be a bit late,” Sara explained to the group at large. “I guess we should wait. She should be here in around five minutes.”

Kelly smiled knowingly. “If that’s what she told you, then I’d double it. She doesn’t do punctual. Well, she can manage for work and that, but anything else…”

“Maybe we should start without her, then,” Huan said. “We can always catch her up later. I have a lot of studying to do this afternoon.”

“I’ll swap it for my grading,” Adam groaned. “Illim, are you sure I can’t guilt-trip you into doing it any more?”

“Not since that one you showed me by the boy who thought Yeerks entered the brain by being shoved through the nose with a hook.”

Sara grimaced. “Ouch. That sounds even worse than the real thing. Where’d he get that from?”

“I can only assume he got us mixed up with the Ancient Egyptians,” Illim said.

This only confused Sara further- History had never been her strongest subject.

“That’s how they extracted the brains for mummification,” Adam explained, in response to her continued frown. 

Well, that made a little more sense, but still… “Why were they writing about Yeerks, anyway?”

“We’ve all got to teach recent history now. For some reason it’s fallen to history teachers to talk about the Yeerk war, which I guess makes sense. I thought I’d love it, at first- I could talk about what Illim and I did in the war, give them some personal experience… but all they want to hear about is the Animorphs. And half the time not what the Animorphs actually did in the war, but what they’re doing now, and you have to try and drag your lesson back from how many cars Marco has, or how hot Jake Berenson looked on that interview he did last month.” Adam paused, and his face became more serious. “And then, of course, you’ve got the children who get tearful or ask to leave class for a bit because they were infested, or they knew someone who was.”

Illim shifted uncomfortably, crossing one leg over the other and biting his lip. 

“Maybe we should start,” Sara said quickly, hoping to steer the conversation away from teens traumatised by infestation. “Elsa won’t be long.”

Alma nodded. “Maybe you could tell us what you and Kalran’ve done already. That might give us some ideas of what else we could try.”

“Okay.” Sara took a deep breath and a sip of her coffee before continuing. “When they offered the Yeerks the morphing power, my Kal and both her mates agreed to take it. I was with her while she was waiting out the two hours: she’d used some of my DNA, and I wanted to be… it was a big change for her. Ilkiss, her other mate, had already trapped himself: he waited with us as well. Once she was a nothlit, we all came out to immediately be told that there’d been a problem- Oglud couldn’t take the morphing power. They waited until Kalran was trapped to tell her- to tell any of us- if she’d known, she could have demorphed, but of course they wouldn’t want a Yeerk with the morphing power proper. I remember her and Ilkiss begging to go and talk to Oglud- there’s a pool communication system that would make that possible, apparently. They refused.”

Sara took another sip of coffee, her hand gripping the handle so tightly that her knuckles had turned white.

“Kalran and Ilkiss went back every day to beg them for a month. They wrote to the governor. They wrote to the President, though I doubt he looked at the letters. They wrote to Cassie Williams. They asked everyone they could think of. I did too. Eventually, nine months later, they let them start going to talk to Oglud. It was the first time they’d been able to see how Oglud was feeling about being allergic, the first time they’d been able to discuss what it meant for them as a … I want to say couple and I always forget what the right word is…”

“Tripartite,” Illim supplied.

“Thanks. So anyway, that first meeting it was clear how miserable Oglud and the others were, even though Kal said Oglud was trying to hide it. Kal was so upset, but when I suggested trying to campaign to get Oglud a host she just looked at me for ages, like I was mad. She and Ilkiss just didn’t believe they could do anything… and she was exhausted from everything she’d already done just to be able to talk to someone she loved.”

Sara swallowed hard, realising her eyes were wet. “I kept trying anyway. I wrote to everyone I could think of: any politicians whose details I could get, journalists, every single one of the Animorphs, and their families. I got two replies: one from Cassie, saying how sorry she was, but that the political climate made it impossible for her to do anything, and to let her know if there were any problems with Kalran going to see Oglud. I think it must have been her who made that possible.”

Illim nodded. “That sounds about right. Cassie’s very sympathetic to us.”

“Who else replied?” Huan asked. “Maybe they might be able to help.”

“Eva Garcia,” Sara muttered. “And definitely not. Her letter was very scathing: she’s the only one I’ve stopped writing to. The rest I write to every month. I reckon the letters just go in the bin now, though.”

“What did she say?” Alma asked curiously.

Sara glanced nervously at Illim. Eva’s letter had been truly horrible about Yeerks.

“It’s fine,” Illim said with a bitter smile. “I’m used to insults.”

Sara sighed. “She said that all the Yeerks would have been sent back to the cesspools on their planet if she’d had anything to do with it. Oh, and she didn’t see any difference between me and a voluntary.” 

Huan winced. “That’s awful.”

“That was the nicer bit.”

“I don’t think we can really blame her,” Illim said. “She must have suffered so much…”

“So did I,” Kelly said sharply. “So did Huan and Alma, and even you, Sara, at first.”

Sara felt a spike of irritation. “Are you seriously comparing Kalran to Visser One?”

“Well, okay, not you then. But we all suffered.”

Tidwell leaned forward. “Eva was forced to fake her own death and leave behind a grieving husband and nine-year-old son. That must have affected her. Not to mention I’m sure Edriss was a pretty horrible Yeerk to have.”

“As bad as the one Elsa had, who told her if Elsa didn’t behave they’d ‘forget’ to buy her little sister a birthday present? She dropped all resistance for a whole month, and then they didn’t get one anyway. And they kept playing back the memory of how disappointed little Annie looked.”

Illim made a strangled, choking noise. “By the Kandrona, why would a Yeerk…”

“Sadism,” Kelly said shortly. “Elsa had better Yeerks than that over the years, of course. I guess Eva was stuck with a horrible one for a long time, but still… and she must have a better idea than most people about how horribly the Yeerks punish traitors.”

Illim shuddered, shifting to sit closer to Adam’s side. There was a long silence, broken only by the sound of clinking cups as people sipped their drinks.

Brrring!

The atmosphere was so tense that the sound of the buzzer made Sara jump, her coffee sloshing in its cup and nearly spilling. She tried to slow her breathing as she hurried to the door. A minute later, she was opening the door to a slightly harried-looking Elsa.

“Sorry I’m late.”

Sara smiled. “The amusing text made up for it. I’m amazed how many things you manage to blame on the Yeerks.”

Elsa grinned. “You’ve noticed that, have you? It’s a great excuse.”

“Come on through. I’ve got coffee.”

“Brilliant. What’ve I missed?”

“Not much. I was just telling them what Kalran and I have already tried,” Sara explained as she walked back down the hall to the kitchen.

Elsa was soon seated on the sofa with a large mug and a pile of cookies, which she was munching hungrily. 

“Didn’t get time for breakfast?” Kelly asked teasingly.

Elsa swallowed. “Nope. Anyway, I’m still enjoying being allowed to eat cookies for breakfast. Worst thing about Yeerks is how much they refuse to let you eat junk food.”

“Not Kal. She loves anything with copious amounts of fat and sugar. Mainly Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.”

“How’s she doing?” Elsa asked through a mouthful of Oreos.

Sara felt her stomach twist, the tension in her shoulders returning. “I… I don’t think very well.”

The others leant forward concernedly, Elsa lowering the cookie she’d been moving towards her mouth and placing it on the tabletop. 

“I’m worried about her. She just seems very… dull. Things don’t seem to interest her as much as they used to. She keeps telling me she’s fine, but I can tell she’s not. She’s always got shadows under her eyes, too, like she’s not sleeping.”  
“Bless her,” Alma murmured. “Poor thing.”

“I… I don’t know what to do to make things better.” Sara shook her head. “Anyway, I suppose you don’t all need to hear this.”

“It’s fine,” Elsa said quickly. “I imagine ‘the friend that used to be inside my head seems depressed’ isn’t a problem you can talk about with just anyone.”

“I just… she keeps saying she’s fine, but I worry about her. That probably seems really weird to you, worrying about your Yeerk, but…”

“It’s not weird to me,” Adam said with a smile. “This one’s just passed his driving test. I live in constant terror now.” He jerked a thumb at Illim.

Illim lifted his nose into the air haughtily. “I’ll have you know I used to pilot Bug Fighters. And I picked up most of my driving skills from you.”

“Exactly. That’s why I’m worried.”

Sara smiled despite herself.

“You were telling us who you’d written to,” Kelly said, after a moment’s pause.

“Yeah. Well, none of the Animorphs or their families have replied so far, though I keep writing every month.”

“Do you have any contact with them?” Elsa said, looking across at Illim and Adam. “You did in the war, right?”

Illim nodded. “We did. But not since then… I suppose if Adam wrote and asked to meet Cassie she might come, but it’s very much a maybe. I think she’s ridiculously busy right now.”

“You could try,” Huan said. “It can’t hurt.”

“We could all write to her,” Elsa said decisively. “And the rest of the Animorphs, and their families. Marco’s mother had political experience before she was infested, as well, I wonder if…”

“No,” everyone else said at once.

“I was just telling the others before you came… she’s the only one I’ve stopped writing to. She wrote me a letter back that made it very clear she wanted nothing to do with this,” Sara said, in response to Elsa’s puzzled frown.

“OK, not her, then. What else could we do? Leaflets through doors, maybe?”

“People will probably complain about that,” Illim said hesitantly. “Most humans hate us.”

Elsa smiled across at Kelly conspiriatorially. “People might complain? Goodness, I don’t know if I can cope with that… alien slugs taking over my life, sure… alien laser gun fights, no problem… but people complaining? The horror!”

Kelly grinned back at her, and Sara smiled slightly too.  
“So,” Huan said, “Illim and Adam, you’ll contact Cassie Williams. The rest of us will write to everyone we can think of- except perhaps Eva- and we’ll deliver leaflets. Who’s going to design them? Alma, you study advertising, yes? Fancy the job?”

Alma looked uncertain. “I do, but I’m not sure what to do with these… I mean, Illim’s right, most people will probably hate us for even delivering them. And what if they upset someone who was a host?”

Sara tensed at that.

“I think between us four we’re pretty well set to tell whether it’s going to upset an ex-involuntary or not,” Elsa pointed out.

“I dunno,” Kelly said quietly. “People respond pretty differently… I mean, Eva doesn’t even want to help the peace movement…” Kelly hesitated, studying Elsa’s face as if to gauge her reaction. “And at the other end of the scale… you were cosying up to voluntaries a few months ago.”

The rest of them stared at Elsa, Sara included. “What? You don’t mean me, do you?” Sara exclaimed, unable to make any other sense of Kelly’s remark.

Kelly turned towards her quickly. “Of course not, Sara! I’d never count you as one of them. You were trying to free us, and besides you hated it as much as we did.”

“Not quite as much as you did. Kal’s a good person, and I like having her around. Prefer having her around now when she’s not in my head, of course, but…” Sara looked back at Elsa. “What does she mean?”

Elsa swallowed a mouthful of coffee, giving Kelly an irritated look. “If I can just correct a few things… it wasn’t cosying up, it was saying hello and asking how someone was, it was voluntary in the single not the plural, and I’ve been doing the same thing with anyone I meet who I recognise, so it wasn’t just a few months ago. So if we change every single word in that sentence then you’d be spot on. And I’d also like to change the words ‘one of them’, because as I think I pointed out at the time, that really isn’t helpful.”

“You’re still not making any sense.” Huan looked surprised, but continued with: “and besides, it isn’t really relevant to the meeting.”

“Yes it is. I admit I wasn’t planning to bring it up this time, because I wasn’t sure how you’d all react, but there’s not much point fighting for these Yeerks to have the right to take hosts if there’re no hosts for them to take.”

“There’s Sara and Adam,” Kelly pointed out. 

Illim gave a hesitant smile. “I think there are more than two Yeerks in that Pool.”

“Exactly. And besides, I’m not sure about you, Sara. You just said right now you weren’t keen on having Kal in your head, even though you like her. I don’t think you should have to force yourself to put up with infestation just because you feel bad for Oglud.”

Sara glanced away. Elsa was right… Sara’d never liked having Kal in her mind, even though she’d agreed to it to help with the fight and because the alternative was almost certainly getting recaptured and her new Yeerk finding Kalran out. Kal had asked her every time she re-entered her mind if she was still sure she wanted to do this, because Sara dreaded it so much.

“And Adam,” Elsa was asking, “are you thinking of hosting a Yeerk full-time, so to speak, or a few hours a week?”

“I’d happily do full time.” Adam looked hesitant. “I never minded the infestation itself, once I got used to it, I just didn’t want other people to be forced into it.”

“Okay. Would you want a peace movement Yeerk, or would you take anyone?”

“Peace movement,” Adam said instantly. “Or, well, I suppose I’d consider a Yeerk who’d never taken an involuntary host. I couldn’t live with someone who directly experienced what the Empire did and thought it was okay, or just did nothing about it.”

Elsa looked back at Huan. “I know Sara and Adam can’t be assumed to represent all the peace movement hosts, but are you hearing the problem here?”

“Yes and no,” Huan said. “I don’t see why we owe the Empire Yeerks anything.”

Illim made a slight sound, then stopped himself.

“Go on,” Kelly said gently. 

Illim still looked hesitant. “I was just going to say… I can understand how you feel about the Yeerks who weren’t in the movement, but… it seems a little unfair that some of them are wandering around with their very own morphed bodies, if we’re not going to give the others the same chance.”

Alma nodded. “I see what you mean.”

Sara looked across at Elsa. “Are you saying we need to reach out to _them_?” Sara gave the same inflection to the word 'them' that she used to give the word ‘slug’ when being taken back to the pool for reinfestation. “Are you completely insane?”

Elsa grinned. “Nope, there are bits of me missing,” she quipped.

“Not funny.”

“OK, then yes, I am saying that. We need people who are willing to host non-peace movement Yeerks, people who actually like having a Yeerk in their head. I don’t think we’re going to manage to find enough if we rule voluntaries out. And if we’re going to talk to politicians, it would probably help if we could demonstrate that there are enough people interested in doing it to make it worthwhile for them.”

Kelly made a groaning sound. “Can we at least volunteer you for that liaison project, Elsa? I don’t want to go anywhere near them.”

Elsa nodded. “I’d be happy to do it. The problem is so far none of the voluntaries are willing to go anywhere near me. Kelly, you saw, didn’t you, Carla wouldn’t even look at me.”

“Carla?” Sara’s eyes widened in surprise. “There’s a Carla living with Kalran.”

“Sara!” Illim exclaimed loudly. “You can’t just tell people where voluntary hosts are living!”

Sara turned to glare at him. “I can. In fact, I just did.”

“It puts her in danger,” Illim protested, glaring right back. “It’s not fair. I’m sure when Kalran told you she didn’t imagine you’d pass it onto anyone else.”

Sara snorted. “Yeah, well, Kalran didn’t see fit to tell me. I found out myself, when I went over to see her after that attack on the Pool.”

Elsa leant forward. “It’s useful information, though, and I’m sure no-one here will hurt her. Will you?” She paused to glance around at the others, who all slowly shook their heads, Kelly with a sour expression on her face. “Do you know if Kalran’s told her about Oglud?”

“No. No, I don’t know, that is.” 

“Can you find out? And then maybe I can go over with you one day and talk to her.” Elsa frowned. “Well, I can try. Actually it might be better to meet on neutral ground… maybe if you and I invite her out for coffee… if we brought Kalran too then maybe…”

Sara shook her head, incredulous at Elsa’s suggestion. “I’m not having coffee with her, Elsa.”

Elsa sighed, flopping back into her chair. “No-one’s going to help me with this, are they?”

There was a short silence. Sara exchanged a glance with Kelly, who rolled her eyes. 

“I will.”

Elsa’s head snapped up, turning towards Illim, who had spoken. “Oh. Right. Yeah, that might actually work.”

“I think the coffee thing might be a bit much, though. If Sara can speak to Kalran, I could arrange to go over there alone, and tell her what the situation is. She might at least hear me.”

“Yeah, and if she doesn’t want to you can just order her to, and let her natural toadying do the work for us,” Kelly muttered angrily.

Illim made a slight movement, as though he might say something, but seemed to think better of it.

Elsa turned towards Sara. “Can you at least call Kal for us?”

Sara took her time answering, taking a sip of her now-cold coffee. Elsa was probably right that they needed some involvement from the voluntaries, not to mention she’d probably find a way to get in touch with Kalran by herself if she had to. “As long as you understand that I never want to have to talk to Carla, or any of the rest of them. You and Illim can do all that.”

“I second that,” Kelly muttered, and Huan nodded.

“I wouldn’t mind working with her,” Alma murmured quietly. “But I agree it’ll only work if it’s Illim first.”

“That’s fine,” Elsa said. “And thanks, Alma.” 

There was a long, uncomfortable silence. Sara was still shocked by Elsa’s attitude… she’d expect hatred of voluntaries from someone who’d so unceasingly resisted infestation, not… whatever this was. Kelly and Huan, she could see, looked equally confused, while Illim just looked taken aback at this turn of events. Alma was, as always, relatively calm… or calm on the surface, at least. She was often hard to read.

“So…” Kelly said eventually. “Leaflets, writing to people… random attempts at recruiting collaborators… what else?”

“We could try and get media interviews,” Alma suggested.

Sara cringed. She still remembered the article that had resulted from the interview Kalran had given in hope of being allowed to speak to Oglud. “They’ll twist everything you say.”

“Maybe. It’s still publicity, though,” Alma said. “Why? Have you already given one?”

“Kal did. They were horrible to her.”

“Might be better with us, though,” Kelly suggested, looking thoughtful. “Especially if Elsa or I do it. We were pretty infamous ringleaders of the in-cage resistance, that might give us a bit more… clout… than Kalran had.”

Elsa laughed. “I think ‘in-cage resistance’ might be a bit of a grandiose title. I mostly just sung annoying songs at them. And threw my sweater at Visser Three that time.”

“Never underestimate the power of an annoying song,” Kelly said decidedly. 

Everyone smiled, dissipating a lot of the tension that had built up in the room. It was lucky they had Huan there to keep them on track, as Elsa and Kelly began a debate about the relative merits of ‘I know a song that gets on your nerves’ and ‘ten green bottles’ which could have lasted some time.

“So, if we can come back to the topic at hand… Sara, you’ll call Kalran and see if this… woman… will meet with Illim, and Elsa, you’ll liase with Illim about getting her involved. Alma, you’ll try and draft a flyer for us: we can all look at it and see if we think it’s okay. I’d be happy to meet with you too, to help you write it. Kelly, can you look into getting some press coverage? And everyone’s going to write to all the Animorphs and their families, except Eva, and other politicians and people who might be able to help. I could draw up a list of people to write to and send it round to everyone, if that would help?”

“That’d be great,” Sara replied. “I’ll send you information about who I’ve already tried, but it’s worth us all trying them again.”

“And Illim and I will get in touch with Cassie directly if we can,” Adam said. “She might be more willing to meet us.”

Huan nodded. “Excellent. Is that everything? I have a lot of studying to do today.”

Sara glanced around at the others, then nodded. “Thanks so much for coming, everyone. It means a lot to me… to Kal, too, even if she doesn’t show it.”

“Oh yeah, that’s another thing- we should meet up with her again soon, especially if she’s feeling down,” Kelly added. “She seems nice enough.”

Everyone made noises of agreement, then one by one left, Huan hurrying out while Elsa and Kelly lingered for nearly half an hour, chattering away to each other and to Sara as they helped her wash up cups and plates and stack them neatly away in the kitchen. Sara used to leave her draining board piled up with things, but Kalran had never been able to stand the mess, and drying things up straightaway was now an ingrained habit of hers.

Eventually, even Elsa and Kelly left, and Sara sank down on her sofa, staring at the phone in her hand. She knew she should call Kalran today, but even though it was her Yeerk she’d be talking to, who she knew intimately, she had no idea what to say. It took her a long time to work up the courage, but eventually she curled her fingers around the edge of the plastic and pressed Kalran’s number into the keypad.

‘Here goes nothing,’ Sara thought to herself, raising the phone to her ear.


	15. Chapter 15

Perched on the edge of the sofa, Carla fiddled nervously with her bracelet, glancing at the clock. Eventually, Kalran pushed the door open. She looked very pretty, Carla noticed, wearing a skirt and a flowery blue top, both of which were unusual for her, and perfect makeup, which was even more so.

“You look nice,” Carla said after a few seconds.

Kalran laughed bitterly. “It’s silly, isn’t it? It isn’t like Oglud can see me, I could be wearing tattered old pajamas for all they know.”

“I don’t think it’s silly.” Carla glanced down at her jeans and hooded sweatshirt. “Should I…”

“Goodness, no,” Kalran said. “Oglud can’t see you, and they wouldn’t care what you were wearing even if they could. I’m just being… I don’t know… well, silly.”

“You’re not,” Carla repeated, getting to her feet. “How are we getting there? The bus?”

Kalran sighed. “Three buses, and then a lot of queueing, waiting and putting up with Andalites and human guards insulting you. Our actual appointment’s not till eight… it’ll be about half nine by the time we get home.”

Carla nodded. “Okay.”

“You’re sure you still want to come?” Kalran’s voice was anxious.

Carla smiled in what she hoped was a reassuring way, stepping towards her. “Of course I am.”

The bus stop was dark and deserted. Carla rested herself against one of the pathetically small plastic bars that didn’t really serve as seats, but she supposed were better than standing. Kalran stood, perhaps not wanting to dirty her clothes.

“The bus takes about an hour, with all the changes,” Kalran said, absently tapping her finger against the plastic of the bus shelter.

Carla frowned. It had never taken her that long to get to the Pool, no matter which area of the city she was in. She supposed she’d moved town since, but they were only about a twenty minute ride away from the centre of the city the Yeerk Pool had been built under. “Our nearest entrance is that far away?”

“There’s only one open, and it’s the other side of town. Not that I mind that, it keeps it much more secure, but it’s hard to get to. The central entrances were all destroyed when the Animorphs attacked the Pool, and they didn’t bother rebuilding them… they thought a central entrance would be a bigger security risk and it would be too much in the way of people’s daily lives. This one’s in the middle of a field on the outskirts of town, though at least now they’ve paved the path into the field.”

At that moment, Carla saw the warm orange glow of the bus’s lights as it turned down the street towards them. The bus was almost empty, so once they had seated themselves Carla dared to whisper: “Are we meeting Isaac there?”

Isaac was Ilkiss’ alias: none of the Yeerks used their real names where there was a chance they might be overheard, it was too risky. Carla wished she could be as anonymous, though at least her name didn’t give her away- humans who hadn’t been involved in the war had no idea who she was, it was only if she ran across an involuntary who happened to recognise her that she had to worry.

Kalran nodded. “Yes. He lives a fair way away from us, though he’s a little nearer to… where we’re going.”

Carla nodded, and settled back against the cushions. Kalran made small talk with her for a while, asking her how work was, but it was clear from the halting nature of her speech that the Yeerk was struggling to concentrate. Eventually, the two settled into silence, which was broken only by a few words as they changed buses. Carla yawned: buses and trains always made her sleepy.

“Close your eyes, if you want. I’ll wake you when we need to change again, and then it’s only a short ride.”

Carla nodded, letting her head fall back against the seat and her eyelids fall together. She wasn’t sure she actually slept, but fell into a dozy state that was half-sleep, half-waking, until she felt Kalran nudge her side and stumbled off the bus and, after a few minutes’ wait in the cool night air, onto another one. Eventually, they alighted by the side of a suburban road, where Ilkiss was already waiting for them, leaning against a wall. There were more people around than you might expect mid-evening on a quiet street, most of them heading in the same direction.

Ilkiss pushed himself off the wall as they got off the bus, taking a few steps towards them. He and Kalran exchanged hellos and a brief hug, but the greeting was less intimate than Carla had expected.

“Hi, Carla,” Ilkiss said, turning towards her. “It’s very kind of you to come.”

“It’s okay. I’d like to meet her… I mean, them.”

Kalran smiled. “We use both; sometimes ‘them’ is confusing, and we don’t want to use words from…” Kalran hesitated, and dropped her voice. “… from our own language, or Taxxon, because… well, you can guess why.”

They began to walk along the street, turning left after a few metres to follow a pathed pathway through a copse of woodland. Soon the trees cleared, and they were crossing an open field. At the other side of the field, they reached an ancient, solitary oak tree with a wide trunk. Carla assumed some part of the tree itself had acted as the way to open the entrance during the war, but now the entrance was standing open: a square hole in the ground with a steel ladder leading down into the darkness. In front of it stood two humans with lanyards around their necks and hand-held shredders resting on belts around their waists.

Kalran and Ilkiss dropped their eyes to the floor as they approached them, and Carla quickly followed suit. Kalran had told her that the worst aspect of the process was the human and Andalite guards, and that it was best to be as submissive as possible.

“Names?” One of the men sneered, his voice dripping contempt.

“Kalran Five-Five-Three of the Sulp Niar pool,” Kalran murmured, her eyes still on the floor.

“Ilkiss Seven-Six-One of the Sulp Niar pool.” Ilkiss’ voice was similarly quiet.

“I’m Carla Roberts,” Carla said, sensing their eyes on her.

One of the men laughed unpleasantly, while the other just glared. “Your real name.”

Carla kept her eyes on the floor. “That is my real name. I’m a human.”

She heard a slight hiss, presumably a surprised intake of breath, but did not look up.

“If I may,” Kalran began submissively, “I did put in a request for Carla to attend with us. It should be in the documentation.”

“Yes, yes, Yeerk, I can see it without your help,” the man snapped.

Carla chanced a glance up, and saw the man getting out some sort of fancy handheld piece of electronics. He stepped towards Ilkiss, and waved it up and down Ilkiss’ body; some kind of scanner, then. The other man did the same to Kalran, before the first stepped towards Carla herself. Reluctantly, she raised her arms, allowing them to scan her body; he was too close for her comfort, and she was relieved when he lowered the scanner and stepped back.

“Well, hurry up, then,” he snapped suddenly at the three of them.

Kalran jumped a little, hurrying forwards towards the opening in the ground and swinging herself onto the metal ladder. Ilkiss gestured Carla ahead of him, and she rapidly followed.

The ladder was only short, about ten rungs down, then Carla’s feet hit the rough stone floor of a passageway. It was dimly lit, but there was enough illumination to see three shadowy, four-legged figures with bladed tails looming out of the darkness. A second later, a sharp blade was pressed to her throat, and she froze.

(Names, Yeerk filth?) 

Carla had never met an Andalite this closely before: she’d seen a few on the Pool ship at the end of the Yeerk war, but she’d been too consumed by grief and in terror for her life to take much notice. It was the lack of a mouth that scared her the most, even more than the scorpion tail and the extra eyes- it made it hard to tell what the Andalite was feeling, though she could guess it wasn’t anything good.

(It’s okay,) came a much gentler thought-speak voice. Not expecting it, though, Carla jumped a little, nicking her chin on the Andalite’s blade.

(Oh, dapsen, sorry! I’d forgotten I’ve never spoken to you like this… it’s just me, it’s Kalran.)

Carla glanced sideways as much as she could without turning her head. Of course, the Yeerks could thought-speak! Carla couldn’t believe she hadn’t realised this before: after all, she knew the Animorphs could thought-speak while in morph, even if that morph was another human.

(It’s okay,) Kalran repeated. (They’ve put their tails to our throats before, but they’ve never hurt us. I’m sorry, I should have warned you.)

Carla wished she could reply, but of course she couldn’t.

(Your name, filth!) the Andalite repeated. (If I have to ask again it will be a three month ban.)

Carla didn’t know for certain what that was, but she could guess. “I’m Carla Roberts,” she said quickly. “I’m a human. Kalran did apply for me to come today.”

The Andalite swung a third eye forward to look at her more closely. (If you are the human they brought before, I must inform you that you are still banned from visiting for another three months. My fellow warriors told me about your insubordination.)

“No, I’m not her,” Carla whispered, trying to sound as submissive as possible. “I’ve never been before.”

(Come with me,) the Andalite said simply, beginning to step forward with his blade still held to her throat. Kalran and Ilkiss were walking in similar fashion, being very careful not to change pace or trip. Carla was the same; she could feel how sharp the blade was against her throat, and could only hope the Andalite would have fast reflexes if she tripped, or she would fall right onto it.

It was a long, tense walk down the uneven stone stairs. Carla didn’t dare glance sideways at Kalran and Ilkiss for reassurance, too afraid of cutting her throat against the blade. Eventually, the stairwell opened out into the Yeerk Pool proper. The first thing Carla noticed was that the cages had gone, making the cavern look even larger than it used to. The second thing was the sheer number of Andalite guards lining the sides of the chamber and conducting Yeerk nothlits around, and the third was the multitude of Yeerks waiting on rows of hard chairs along one side of the cavern wall: there were far, far more of them than Carla had expected.

They were shown to three chairs at the edge of the group. 

(Sit, filth,) one of the Andalites snapped. The three Andalites remained standing behind them, but thankfully took their blades away from their throats, allowing Carla to turn to Kalran. The Yeerk gave her a nervous smile.

“Are you alright?”

Carla nodded.

Kalran’s eyes drifted across Carla’s face and body, widening suddenly as they landed on her throat. “Oh, Kandrona, Carla, your neck…”

“It’s just a scratch,” Carla replied quickly. “I’m fine.”

Kalran reached out a hand towards her, as if she might touch the wound, then suddenly stopped, as though thinking better of it, and pulled her hand back to her side.

“I’m okay, I promise.” Carla glanced around at the rows of Yeerks, all sitting quietly and tensely, a few alone but most in pairs or groups, some holding hands. “Is it always like this?” she asked.

“Like what?” Ilkiss said, the tension in his body increasing the pitch of his usually deep voice.

“You know… blades to your throat, being insulted all the time… it’s not nice for you.”

(Do not criticise us, human.)

Kalran looked pleadingly at her, her expression fearful. Carla tried to give her a reassuring smile.

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly to the Andalite who had spoken. “It won’t happen again.” 

Where you can hear it, she added inside her mind, and felt a sharp pang of pain when she realised there was no Silrin to laugh at the joke.

They waited on the hard chairs for nearly half an hour, the atmosphere too tense and quiet to allow much conversation. Carla let her eyes stray around the cavern, which looked very different without its piers, buildings or… or cages. Carla shuddered without meaning to as she looked across at the place where they’d stood.

After what seemed like hours, a human guard strode up to them. “You’re here for Oglud five-seven-five?” he said in a bored voice, glancing disinterestedly at them.

Kalran leapt to her feet instantly, hurriedly smoothing down her skirt. Ilkiss was not far behind. “Yes.”

“C’mon, then,” he growled, gesturing roughly at them.

Carla followed Kalran and Ilkiss away from the Pool, which was a surprise, and into a side room carved into the rock. They moved through a few more doorways until they reached a small, bare room containing a large array of buttons, switches and keypads, and a screen. The two Andalites from earlier moved with them, one standing guard outside the door while the other came in to type something into the keypad with his fourteen long, slim fingers.

(You may speak to your mate, Yeerk filth,) the Andalite sneered as he lifted his fingers from the keypad. (You have twenty Earth minutes.)

“Thank you,” Ilkiss said hastily, he and Kalran rushing over to sit by the computer terminal. 

Carla followed at a more sedate pace. The symbols on the keypad were foreign to her, though one or two looked familiar… she searched her memory. Galard? Were they Galard letters? Kalran’s fingers were flying over them, making a line of text appear on the screen, then she paused and waited. A moment later, a line of equally incomprehensible text appeared back on the screen: presumably Oglud, though Carla could only recognise a couple of Galard words in speech, and none in writing. She stared avidly at the screen anyway, keen to make a connection with a Yeerk, a real Yeerk. Carla immediately felt guilty for that last thought, glancing at Kalran and Ilkiss, who must feel no less like real Yeerks for their human bodies.

After a few more moments, Kalran turned to her.

“Oglud says hello. They say it’s an honour to meet you.”

“Oh,” Carla said, flushing slightly despite herself. “Tell them likewise.”

Kalran nodded, letting her fingers fly across the keypad.

“What did you tell them about me?” Carla asked, while they waited for Oglud’s reply to appear on the screen.

“About you and Silrin, and how you came to live with us,” Kalran said quickly, glancing between Carla and the screen rapidly, as though her eyes were following a tennis match. “And that you were interested in helping them all get the right to take hosts.”

Carla was prevented from responding by another line of text appearing on the screen.

“Oglud’s asking how you are,” Kalran read immediately.

“I’m fine, thanks. How are they?”

Kalran’s fingers flew across the keypad again.

“Did you tell them that I’d offered to be their host?” Carla asked. “I mean, if they want….”

Kalran shook her head. “Not yet. I didn’t know if you’d want me to.”

“You might want to get to know them first,” Ilkiss said slowly. “You might change your mind.” He raised a hand, cutting off Carla’s half-formed protest. “I know you don’t think you would, but that possibility would definitely occur to Oglud. They’d spend the whole time feeling like they were being interviewed.”

Carla nodded. “That makes sense. Maybe I can tell them, at the end?”

“It’s only twenty minutes,” Ilkiss reminded her. “Not very long to get to know each other.”

Carla shrugged. “It’s long enough. Longer than I had with Silrin.”

“They’re asking where you work,” Kalran interrupted. “I mean, obviously I know, but it might be nice for you to tell them in your own words.”

Carla nodded, and rattled off a few sentences about work, which Kalran rapidly typed into the computer. “What did Oglud do in the Empire? Unless you think that question might upset them?”

“Of course not.” Kalran’s hands continued to fly across the keyboard. 

Ilkiss smiled. “We could tell her now, of course.”

“Not very natural, though, is it? I think they want to talk naturally to each other… right?”

“What exactly is natural about this?” Ilkiss asked, gesturing around them.

Kalran ignored him, peering at the latest line of text that had appeared on the screen. “I had a Taxxon host, most recently,” she said, now reading the screen verbatim. “Her name was Srynala. We worked in engineering. Before that, another Taxxon, Halisssa, and before that a Gedd, Rhish.” Kalran stopped reading suddenly, and looked hesitantly at Carla. “Oglud says they’d like to ask you about Silrin, but they aren’t sure if it would be too painful.”

Carla felt a sharp twist in her belly and a tingling at the corner of her eyes, but despite that said: “it’s fine.”

“They’re asking what she did,” Kalran said gently, after a few seconds. 

“In me? Just general Sharing stuff, and I think the same in her human host before me. She had a Taxxon before that, though… she was a fighter pilot. She was excellent, but… she tired of the battles, after a while, wanted something safer. It wasn’t that she wasn’t… I mean, she was really brave, always, I just think it must get too much for everyone after a while.” Carla reached up to wipe a tear away from her cheek.

Kalran’s fingers flew over the keypad, the buttons clicking rapidly. Oglud’s response took a few seconds to come through. “Oglud says: ’Yes, it sounds an incredibly difficult job, and I’m sure she must have been brave to do it for any amount of time.’ Oglud’s done a new line here, Carla… they say they’re very sorry for your loss.”

Carla couldn’t speak for a moment, for fear of giving in entirely to her tears. Eventually, though, she steeled herself enough to say: “tell Oglud thank you. I… I miss her very much. We… I don’t even know how to describe what our relationship was, but…”

Kalran nodded, dutifully typing in Carla’s message and relaying the response. “‘I know what you mean. Srynala was voluntary, too- all my hosts have been- and we were very close. I’m sure on the homeworld we must have had a word for it in our own language, but it’s hardly something the Empire would preserve.’” Kalran paused, waiting as more text came up on the screen. “ ‘I want to thank you for trying to help us- it’s so incredibly kind of you all. This way of communicating doesn’t let me relay it to you properly, but just knowing there are some humans on our side raises all our spirits so much. You’ve made me very happy today, Carla.”

Carla felt a warmth spread itself across her cheeks. “It’s nothing,” she murmured. “I wish we could do more… if it was up to me you could come into my head right now, but…”

Kalran paused in her typing, turning her head towards Carla. “You’re sure you want to tell them that?”

Carla nodded.

It was a much longer delay than usual before the line of yellow text that was Oglud’s reply appeared on the screen: so much longer that Carla felt her stomach beginning to tighten with anxiety, and glanced at Kalran for reassurance. At that moment, however, she saw the screen change, and peered desperately at it, as though if she looked at it hard enough the letters would suddenly change into English.

Kalran didn’t keep her waiting long, however. “They’re asking if that’s a serious offer.”

“Not the right now bit. They’d get in trouble. But the rest of it, yes.”

Kalran’s typing seemed suddenly very loud to Carla’s ears, and the silence that followed it was almost unbearable. Carla stared at the bright light of the screen, her breath short and tense in her throat, stopping entirely when a line of indecipherable yellow writing appeared.

“I hardly know what to say,” Kalran read. “I feel very touched: you’ve done me a great honour with the trust you’ve shown in me. I know it will never be allowed, but if it were I would be very glad to accept. Thank you.”

Carla felt suddenly lighter as a wave of relief washed over her. “Tell Oglud that… tell them I’m going to try and get the government to allow it. Tell them I’ll do anything I can.”

“Oglud thanks you,” Kalran said after a few moments. “But they say they hope you’ll be careful, that you won’t put yourself at risk.”

“I will,” Carla promised instantly. 

As she watched Kalran dutifully type her reply in, a thought suddenly occurred to her. “Oh, God, they said you’d only have twenty minutes… I’ve taken up almost all of your time, and they must want so much to talk to you.” Carla glanced between Kalran and Ilkiss. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be silly! I can tell how pleased she is to talk to you: it’s someone new to meet, something different. We talk to her every fortnight.”

Carla was surprised at that: twenty minutes every other week was all the time they got? She bit back the exclamation she was about to give, though, conscious that every second must be precious to Kalran and Ilkiss. Instead, Carla waited in silence, watching them as they took turns to type on the keypad in front of them. It was strange to watch the two of them together: there were no little touches or smiles, nothing that she would expect in a human relationship, and while their interaction seemed friendly, it seemed anything but intimate.

All too soon, the Andalite guard said: (one minute, Yeerk filth.) His thought speak tone was sadistic, gloating. (Say your pathetic goodbyes.)

Carla clenched a fist at her side, trying not to let her rising anger get the better of her. Bastard, she thought to herself. God, poor Kalran.

Ilkiss’ hands flew across the keypad rapidly. A line of text soon appeared in response, at which Kalran stepped closer to the screen, lifting her arm and letting her hand come to rest on the edge of the terminal and slide across it, almost caressing it.

The Andalite scuffed his hoof against the cold metal of the floor. Carla didn’t know what the gesture meant, but could guess by the contempt in his thought-speech when he next spoke. (You do know your mate can’t feel or see that, don’t you?) 

Kalran jerked slightly and withdrew her hand. 

At that, Carla felt her rage bubble over. “She’s not fucking stupid!” she snapped.

A tailblade was at her throat the next instant. (Don’t insult me, human.)

“Carla, no.” Kalran had whipped her body around, away from the screen. “I.. I mean, please, don’t.”

Carla forced a few deep breaths down her throat, fighting hard to control herself, gritting her teeth to prevent herself speaking. Eventually, she felt able to speak without yelling. “I’m sorry, sir,” she forced out.

The Andalite stared at her. (I heard you,) he sneered. (Offering yourself to that filth. Let me tell you it will never happen.)

Carla said nothing, aware that anything she said could easily be taken as offensive, and she didn’t know what effect that would have on Kalran. The Yeerk had sounded desperate when she’d begged Carla to stop, and the last thing Carla wanted to do was make things worse for her.

After a few moments, the Andalite said: (Come then, filth,) and they were led back, blades at their throat, out through the cavern and up the steep, uneven stairs to the entrance they had come in by. The bus stop was busy for the area and the time of night, making Carla suspect that most of the passengers were Yeerks returning from the Pool, but she still didn’t dare discuss their visit until they were back in the safety of the apartment.

Kalran turned to her immediately. “Oh, Carla, your neck…”

“It’s fine,” Carla repeated. “Really, it’s not a problem.” Hesitantly, she stretched a hand towards Kalran’s shoulder. “I didn’t realise how… how bad it was for you.”

Kalran sighed deeply. “We’re just pleased to be able to speak to them at all.” Her flat voice betrayed her optimistic words. “Of course, I wish it could be longer, or more often, and I wish more than anything I could touch them, but there’s nothing we can do.”

Carla moved a little closer, letting her arm wrap around the Yeerk’s shoulders. “I’m sorry.”

Kalran shook her head slowly as she leaned in to Carla’s hug. “You don’t need to be at all. You made my Oglud so happy- I know it’s hard to tell that through the limited communication you had, but you really did. And thank you for holding your anger in check, too… I’m sorry if I sounded like I was ordering you about, it just… it slipped out.”

Carla frowned. “What do you mean? It didn’t sound like that at all… you know what they’re like, of course I should listen to you.”

Kalran smiled ruefully. “Sara would have gone nuts. Perhaps even more so if I’d told her to stop like that.”

“Was she the human they mentioned? The one they said was banned?”

“Oh yes.” At Carla’s curious look, Kalran continued. “They didn’t even get her down the stairs when she came to visit- she wasn’t happy about the blade to her throat. Well, no wonder- an involuntary host led down into the Yeerk pool like that?! I tried to explain that to them, but they wouldn’t make any exceptions, and they were so rude to Sara, and to me, that they got her angry and… well, I think you might have noticed she doesn’t have the most patient temper in the world.” Kalran smiled slightly. “She called them a herd of jumped-up little ponies. It almost made the month’s ban from visiting worth it, just to hear the disbelief in their thought-speech.”

“They banned you for a month? It wasn’t even you that said it!”

Kalran sighed again. “I know. For a species that hates us for taking hosts, they certainly expect us to have a lot of control over them when we’re not in their head. Sara was banned for ten months, though.”

Carla felt her stomach churn at the thought. “I’m so sorry… I snapped at them, too.”

“By the Kandrona, Carla, don’t worry about that. I’m almost glad you did- I could cheerfully have punched him. And anyway, you stopped.”

“Why… why can’t you touch Oglud?” Carla said hesitantly, pulling away a little to study Kalran’s face. “I mean… if you told them you were going to go and put your hand in to a certain part of the pool they could at least come up and… well, they’d be able to learn your scent at least, wouldn’t they?”

“The humans and Andalites won’t let us,” Kalran said simply. At Carla’s puzzled face, she added: “they’re worried about us trying to get a Yeerk out, or… or killing them, at their own request. A few Yeerks have asked, apparently, on the chats, those that have no-one close to them left in the Pool, or those that find it particularly difficult to live like that.”

Carla felt icy horror fill her insides. “Not… not Oglud?”

Kalran shook her head. “No. You don’t need to worry about that, Carla. Especially not now… you’ve given them some hope.”

Carla flushed slightly. “They’ve only known me twenty minutes.”

“You freely offered Oglud your mind in those twenty minutes,” Kalran said quietly. “That made quite an impression on them. They want to speak more to you, they said how much they were looking forward to it.” Kalran hesitated. “You will come again, won’t you? I know it’s not the easiest place to be in…”

Carla smiled. “Of course I will.” Her smile faded slightly. “I need to start writing to people, I guess… you know, to try and change their mind about hosts. Is there anyone you’d recommend?”

Kalran hesitated, her expression tense. “Actually… there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

Carla frowned, puzzled. “Oh?”

“There’s… erm… um, well, I suppose… I guess it starts with Sara doing something stupid.”

“Right…” Carla said slowly, unsure what this had to do with her.

As Kalran related the story of Sara, Kelly and the others’ promises to help Oglud, and Elsa’s interest in recruiting Carla to their cause, Carla felt herself becoming increasingly baffled, almost dizzy from the information that was bombarding her. 

“I… Elsa wants to meet with me? I… I don’t know if I…”

Kalran laid a hand on Carla’s arm. “It’s absolutely okay if you don’t want to do it,” Kalran said softly. “Anyway, it wouldn’t be meeting Elsa straight away, or at all if you don’t want to. There’s a Yeerk from the peace movement working with them… his name is Illim. He’s offered to meet with you, to act as a go-between, if you like. Or of course you could campaign by yourself… please don’t feel you have to do anything that would make you uncomfortable.”

“And they all know where I live?” Carla asked, feeling suddenly panicked. She glanced around the living room as though expecting an involuntary to pounce on her from a dark corner.

Kalran gritted her teeth. “Trust me, Carla, I’ve never yelled at Sara so much in my life as when she told me she’d done that. But no, they don’t all know- they all know you live with me, but only Elsa has any idea where I live and she only knows the block, not the exact address.” She looked anxiously at Carla’s face. “They all promised not to hurt you, if that helps.”

For a moment, Carla was certain she’d misheard. “What? All of them?”

A slight smile appeared on Kalran’s lips. “Yes, all of them. They really don’t hate you as much as you think they do.”

Carla turned her head away. “I don’t understand why they...” she trailed off, shaking her head to clear it. “Anyway… I’d be happy to meet Illim, if it might help Oglud. I owe it to you, if nothing else.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” Kalran said softly.

Carla looked at her again, surprised. “No, nothing at all. Just bed and board for three months, that only adds up to hundreds of dollars, why bother about that?”

Kalran sighed. “We had Jilran’s bed spare anyway, which you very well know, and you pay rent now. And you must know how much joy it gives a Yeerk to care for a host. It’s like Alniss is someone else entirely, she’s been much brighter since you came.” 

That gave Carla pause. “Really?”

“Really. And I like you being around, too, so you honestly don’t owe me anything.”

Carla nodded slowly. “Okay… I’d still like to meet this Illim, though.” Saying it to Kalran probably wouldn’t help, but Carla was suddenly struck by how much she missed having a Yeerk… the effect of meeting Oglud, she supposed. She could feel the melancholy bitterness tugging at the edges of her mind, threatening to overtake her. Throwing herself whole-heartedly into the campaign to make hosting a Yeerk legal seemed the only way to fight it, and if that meant she had to work with Elsa, even maybe meet her… well, the thought was terrifying, but even now Carla felt it might be worth it.

“Thank you,” Kalran said, breaking into her thoughts. “So much. I… I’ll let him know.”


	16. chapter 16

A few days later, Kalran and Carla left the house together again. This time, however, they waited at the side of the road instead of the bus stop. Carla couldn’t keep still: her stomach was churning with anxiety, and she shifted from foot to foot where she stood, twisting her hands together. She could see Kalran watching her concernedly, and eventually felt a gentle touch on her arm.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

Carla turned her head to meet Kalran’s eyes, which were etched with worry. “Yes. It… it will just be Illim, won’t it?”

Kalran nodded. “Yes, just him. He’s going to pick us up and take us to the house he shares with his host, but Adam’s out today so you won’t see him. Illim’s promised it will just be him.”

Carla nodded, trying to slow her breathing. It was only a Yeerk; why was she so worried? “She won’t be there, will she?” Carla added, unable to stop herself.

Kalran frowned. “Elsa?” At Carla’s fretful nod, she continued. “No. I promise.”

“Okay,” Carla said shakily.

Kalran looked as though she might say something else, but was interrupted by a blue car coming to a hesitant halt beside them. The driver turned the engine off and got out, striding towards them on long legs. Illim’s morph was tall: Carla had to look up to make eye contact.

“Kalran, schrellatie, may the Kandrona shine and strengthen you,” Illim said in a whisper. “Well, metaphorically, at least.”

It took Carla a few seconds to remember what schrellatie meant. Silrin had used it occasionally… yes, that was it. It was a bit like a human calling someone ‘brother’ who wasn’t really their brother – a sign of kinship and solidarity. The formality of Illim’s greeting reflected that, too: he was addressing Kalran warmly and politely, which Carla supposed boded well. Illim’s attitude towards her, though, she was much less certain of. While Kalran clearly liked her, Carla still wasn’t sure what the attitude of peace movement Yeerks towards voluntary hosts was likely to be.

Kalran smiled wistfully. “And you, schrellatie. Illim, this is Carla. Carla, this is Illim 781 of the Sulp Niar pool.”

Illim smiled gently at her, and Carla felt some of her anxiety evaporate. “I’m very pleased to meet you.”

“You too,” Carla murmured.

A few minutes later, Carla slid into the backseat of Illim’s car next to Kalran, turning down his offer of the front. The drive was quiet, Carla watching the scenery change from dense, scruffy apartment blocks to the greener, more spacious suburbs and then the open countryside. Eventually, the suburbs began again as they moved into the city, and Illim eventually drew to a halt outside a large white house with a neat lawn and flowerbeds that were a riot of colour.

“Oh,” Kalran breathed delightedly as they got out of the car. “Your garden is beautiful!”

Illim smiled. “Thank you. Adam jokes I should quit my job and become a full-time gardener.”

“He isn’t here, is he?” Carla asked nervously, hesitating at the gate.

Illim shook his head. “No. He went out, and he won’t return till I text him and say you guys have gone.” Seeing Carla’s face, Illim quickly added: “not like that, it isn’t that… we just thought you might not want him here… he wouldn’t mind meeting you.”

Carla didn’t believe that, but decided not to press the issue, instead stepping through the gate and following Illim up the path to the front door. She glanced across at Kalran, who gave her a reassuring smile.

Soon they were sitting in the spacious living room, Carla nursing a cup of coffee between her hands. The warmth was comforting, calming her anxiety somewhat.

After a few minutes, Illim cleared his throat. “So,” he said slowly. “I’m not really sure where you want to start, with this.”

Carla shrugged. “I don’t mind,” she murmured, keeping her eyes on her mug. 

“Maybe you could tell us a little more about you, Illim,” Kalran said gently.

“Sure. Well, I was in the peace movement during the war, like Kalran… erm… I morphed once they offered me the technology, but I only lived where they assigned me for a couple of weeks before I moved in here, with my host. Well, ex-host now, I suppose. Anyway, he still has contact with some of the other hosts and it was through them that I found out about your situation, Kalran. I wanted to help, and, er, here I am. Am I right in thinking you want to help, too, Carla?”

Carla finally raised her eyes from her mug. “Yes.”

“Great, that’s great.” Illim smiled hesitantly at her. “Is there anything you’ve already done?”

“Not yet. Apart from going to see Oglud. I told them I’d be willing to host them, if it was ever allowed.”

Illim raised his eyebrows and glanced at Kalran. “Are you sure about that?”

“I wouldn’t have said it if I wasn’t. It wouldn’t be fair.”

Illim nodded. “No… no, I suppose it wouldn’t… but that doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind, you know.”

Confused, Carla looked uncertainly at him, before letting her eyes slide across to Kalran, then back to Illim again. “I don’t want to change my mind.”

“I know, I just… I want to make sure you don’t feel under any pressure or obligation, that’s all. Hosting a Yeerk is a big thing.”

Carla looked away. “I know. I was a host in the war.”

Illim’s voice, when it next came, sounded anxious. “I know that, I just- I’m sorry, I’m not doing a very good job of this.”

Carla kept her eyes on the floor. “It’s fine.”

“I think Carla knows exactly what she’s offering,” Kalran said quietly. “And neither Oglud or I, or Ilkiss for that matter, would allow an infestation that was anything but fully willing.”

“I wasn’t doubting you. I… shall we move on?”

“That might be a good idea,” Carla murmured, then instantly regretted it. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…”

Illim shook his head. “Don’t worry. Anyway… how much has Kalran told you?”

Carla was silent for a few moments, struggling to form her words even in her head. Saying even one of the involuntaries’ names suddenly seemed an insurmountable barrier to speech, and she wasn’t even sure why. After a minute of struggle, she raised her head, looking towards Kalran for help.

“I’ve told her everything you told me,” Kalran said quickly, smiling slightly at Carla in reassurance, her forehead furrowing with concern. “That my Sara was an idiot and mentioned her, and that Elsa wants to work with her to help Oglud and the others.”

Illim nodded. He reached forward, moving a book on the coffee table in front of him aside, to reveal a white envelope addressed with Carla’s name. “Elsa wrote you a letter,” he said, holding it out to Carla. “If you wanted to read things in her words. Or I could explain it all, of course.”

Carla pulled back as though he was holding a deadly spider, eyes fixed on the envelope. Unconsciously, she drew a little closer to Kalran. “You explain,” she eventually managed to whisper, her gaze still on her slightly messily written name.

Illim hesitated for a few moments. “Okay,” he said eventually. “Well, there were a few points we wanted to cover... one of them was whether you’d be interested in acting as a host again, but I think we’ve pretty much covered that.” He put the envelope back on the coffee table, instead picking up a second piece of paper. “Huan put together a list of people that everyone’s writing to,” he said, passing the paper across to Carla, who took it this time. “It might be an idea if you write, too… the more the better.”

Scanning her eyes down it, she felt a sudden lurch in her stomach as her eyes hit the name ‘Jake Berenson’. She fought down her nausea as best as she could, and quickly looked back up at Illim.

“Elsa also wanted to know if you’re in touch with any other voluntary hosts who might be interested in helping.’

“I bet she did,” Carla sneered, sudden anger filling her. So that was the reason behind all this… to try and get revenge on as many voluntaries as possible. “No, I’m not, and I wouldn’t tell her even if I was. Does she think I’m stupid?”

Illim looked taken aback.

“Carla, I’m sure that’s not why she asked. I don’t think Elsa’s like that,” Kalran murmured softly.

Carla didn’t believe her for a moment, and it must have shown in her face, for Kalran added: “honestly, Carla, none of them want to hurt you. Or anyone else, I’m sure.”

There was silence for a few seconds. While Carla trusted Kalran, Illim was a bit more of an unknown quantity, and she certainly believed Elsa and the others would be more than capable of fooling him that they had good intentions. There was no point making an argument out of it, however, so Carla simply said: “okay. Well, anyway, I don’t know where any of them ended up after the war, so…”

Illim nodded. “No problem. The next thing was whether you’d be willing to come to any meetings that the others have with people who could help. Elsa and Alma – Alma’s one of the others in the group – thought that it might really help convince people if they could hear your perspective, and see for themselves that you weren’t being forced or manipulated into it, it was something you genuinely wanted.”

Carla hesitated. “Would the involuntaries have to be there?”

“Well… I suppose they wouldn’t have to, but it wouldn’t look very good if it seems like we can’t stand to all be in each other’s company. It would probably be better if at least some of them were there.”

Carla’s eyes strayed across to Kalran. Poor thing… over the last few days, Carla hadn’t been able to get the image of Kalran caressing the side of a computer terminal out of her head. That her contact with her mate was reduced to a few minutes a fortnight of messaging through a computer… it just wasn’t fair on either of them.

“Maybe,” she said slowly. “Depending on who they were meeting, and who exactly was coming.”

Kalran jerked slightly beside her, looking around at Carla in surprise. “Are you sure?” 

“Not quite. That’s why I said maybe.”

“You don’t have to decide yet,” Illim said slowly, looking equally surprised. “We’re trying to contact Cassie at the moment – Adam and I had some contact with her during the war – but she’s a busy woman. And the media and politicians we’re contacting… again, it looks like it’ll be a while.”

Carla nodded slowly. There was silence for a while, and she glanced around the room. It was a lot less Yeerkish than the living room at home: while there were a few pictures, they were proper framed ones, not stuck onto the wall in a messy mosaic. The room was neat and tidy, the walls beige and the furniture white. She could see why Illim had taken over the garden: there was relatively little colour in this room. The effect was relaxing, though, not unpleasant. Carla’s eyes came to rest on a photograph resting on a windowsill: the woman in the frame was tall and dark-skinned, quite a contrast to what she assumed was Illim’s host, pale and red-haired, who was standing beside her arm-in-arm. The long white dress the woman was wearing made it clear this was a wedding photograph.

Illim followed her gaze. “That’s Alyssa, Adam’s wife. He… he lost her a few months before he joined the Sharing.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Carla said automatically. Her curiosity piqued, however, she turned to Illim. “Was he a voluntary, then?”

Illim was silent for a few moments, and Carla began to think he wouldn’t answer her. Eventually, however, he said: “it depends what you mean. He agreed to become a full member, but then once they explained what we were he became suspicious. He asked didn’t anyone ever say no, that kind of thing, and eventually he figured out… well, what we did to those who were unwilling.” Illim swallowed uncomfortably. “They had to drag him to the Pool, and he fought me until I joined the movement.”

Carla looked away, feeling her stomach churn painfully. She could feel a memory creeping in at the corners of her mind; the sound of screams from the cages and those unfortunate people who were being dragged to the Pool in front of and behind her. She was walking along beside Miliss, shivering with horror, desperate for Silrin to get back in her head so she could get out of that place.

“Carla!” She felt Kalran’s hand touch her shoulder, and jumped. “Carla, are you alright?”

Realising her eyes were damp, Carla hastily scrubbed at them with her sleeve. “I’m fine,” she said shakily, looking round into Kalran’s worried face.

Kalran said nothing, instead letting her arm wrap around Carla’s shoulders. Carla took a few deep breaths, eventually feeling strong enough to look back up at Illim.

Illim smiled hesitantly at her. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Fine,” Carla repeated. “Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?”

Illim shook his head slowly. “I think that’s everything. I’ll let you know if we manage to arrange any meetings with anyone. I suppose the only thing is… in the meantime… Elsa wondered if you wanted to meet up with Adam and I, or Elsa and I, just casually at some point. She thought it might be easier than seeing her for the first time when we were officially meeting a journalist, or…”

Carla felt every muscle in her body tense. “No,” she said quickly.

“You don’t have to.” Illim’s reply was almost as rapid. 

There was a long, awkward silence.

“Do you mind if I take the letter, Carla?” Kalran asked gently after almost five minutes had gone by. “I mean, I’m not going to read it, but just in case you ever want to look at it.”

Carla whipped her head round so fast it stung her neck, staring at her. “I never want to look at it.”

“Do you mind if I take it anyway?”

Carla shrugged, trying to hide her elevated heart rate, the twisting of her stomach, with casual words. “I don’t care what you do with it. ‘Long as I don’t have to see it again.”

Kalran nodded, wordlessly reaching forward to take the envelope Illim passed to her. “It’ll be in the top drawer in my room, Carla, if you ever do want to see it.”

“I don’t,” Carla said quickly. “Like I give a shit what she thinks of me.” The words sounded hollow even to Carla’s own ears, and she reddened as she saw Kalran exchange a glance with Illim. It took all her willpower not to snap at them, but she managed it somehow.

Kalran tucked the letter into the pocket of her jeans, and glanced at her watch. “We’d better go, Illim,” she said quietly.

“Yes… yes, of course.” Illim looked at Carla. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel uncomfortable. I… I understand what it feels like. I felt so guilty myself, even after I joined the movement I couldn’t entirely shake it.”

Carla reddened even more, clenching her fists. “I’m not feeling fucking guilty!” she snapped. “I just don’t want to get beaten up, alright?”

Illim held up both hands defensively, taken aback. “Okay. Okay, I’m sorry.”  
They left pretty quickly after that, travelling in silence in Illim’s car back to the apartment. As they began their walk up the stairs, Carla felt Kalran touch her shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” she began. “That was hard for you. Are you really sure you want to go through all this?”

Carla stopped walking, turning to look into Kalran’s eyes. “Kalran, you deserve this, you know. You and Oglud both. You really need to stop thinking you don’t.”

“Deserve what? You making yourself miserable?”

“I’m fine. I want this as much as you do, and I’m prepared to fight for it.”

Kalran nodded slowly. “Okay. It’s your decision, of course. I’m sorry if I seemed like I was trying to make it for you.”

Carla raised her eyebrows, surprised. “You didn’t seem like that,” she said emphatically, thinking privately that it was almost the opposite. Kalran wasn’t that sort of Yeerk, which was different. Refreshing, in a way, but also tiring: it meant Carla had to choose for herself, and she’d always found choices hard.

Carla’s thoughts were interrupted suddenly, however, by another voice. “What’s her decision? And for that matter, where have you two been all afternoon?”

The voice came from below them on the stairs, and Carla turned her head to see Alniss carrying a couple of bags of shopping from the local 7-11.

“Hey,” Carla smiled, taking a few steps towards her. “Can I help with those?”

“Hi, honey. Are you alright?” Alniss was looking closely at Carla’s face, ignoring her offer of help with the bags.

“I’m fine,” Carla said. She reached towards one of the bags. “Let me-“

“There are tear tracks on your cheeks.” Alniss’ eyes were hard, but they weren’t meeting Carla’s: they were looking past her, towards Kalran. “Last time you take her out she comes back with a cut on her neck, and she tells me some story about going for a walk and cutting it on a thorn, and now she’s been crying. You had better have a very good explanation for this.”

Alniss’ voice was colder than Carla thought she’d ever heard it, except perhaps the time she’d spoken about Elsa, and Carla felt a shiver run through her as she looked between the two Yeerks. Kalran was looking away submissively, down towards the carpet. 

“Why don’t we all go up?” Carla murmured hesitantly. “Then we can talk?”

Alniss nodded without looking at her, still glaring at Kalran, who was looking increasingly uncomfortable. “Good idea.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Animorphgirl has kindly let me use her Yeerkish word tamli in this chapter, the meaning of which I’ll explain next time although you can probably work it out approximately from context. Hope you enjoy!

Alniss was silent for a full minute after Kalran had told her what was going on. She could feel her fists clenching, and her teeth gritting together, as she stared at her roommate in disbelief. By the Kandrona, she’d always known Kalran was foolish, easily swayed; any Yeerk in the movement had to be, to be so easily manipulated by Andalites and humans into turning against their own race. But Alniss would never have guessed she was as stupid and careless as this.

“You-“ she spat, rage interrupting her speech. “You took her to the Pool?”

Kalran nodded. “Yes. Carla- er, wanted to meet Oglud.”

“What in Kandrona’s name possessed you, Kalran! There are Andalites there. Do you know what the Andalite penalty was for any of their own that worked with a Yeerk, let alone chose to host one? They despise voluntaries, almost as much as they hate us. How could you have known she’d come back alive?”

“They didn’t hurt me,” Carla murmured from beside Alniss.

Alniss struggled to make her tone more gentle as she addressed Carla. “They hurt your neck.”

“That was an accident!” Kalran exclaimed. “Alniss, do you not think they want to kill us every time we go down there? But they don’t, because it’s part of their agreement with the humans. They wouldn’t get away with harming someone, particularly not someone that’s actually human themselves.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise it was an accident,” Alniss sneered sarcastically. “That’ll make it a great comfort if they accidentally slice open an artery!”

Alniss felt a gentle touch on her arm, and looked across at Carla.

“Kalran was really upset about my neck at the time,” Carla said softly, her eyes looking appeasingly into Alniss’ own. “Far more than she needed to be. It was only a little scratch.”

“And did she tell you to say it was a thorn?” Alniss tried to make her tone as gentle as possible. 

Carla shifted uncomfortably. “No. She didn’t even know that was what I’d told you.”

“You lied to me,” Alniss breathed in disbelief. She’d been certain that the answer to her question would be ‘yes’, that Carla would never have willingly deceived her without pressure from someone else, so she was too shocked and hurt to keep the accusation back.

Carla looked away, nodding guiltily. “I’m so sorry, Alniss, I really am. I don’t even know why I did… I suppose I thought you might react like this.”

Alniss stared at her, shocked to her very core. “Carla, what… what do you mean? I- I’m trying to protect you.”

She felt Carla take her hand, her touch hesitant. “I know. And I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but… this is really important to me, Alniss. I miss having a Yeerk so much, and I know no-one can ever replace Silrin, but this is something I have to at least try.”

Alniss couldn’t speak for a few minutes, assaulted by emotion. She’d bonded so closely with Carla that it was hard to deny the human anything, especially when she asked for it so strongly, but Alniss was certain that getting embroiled in Oglud and the others’ situation couldn’t help her. It was at best a false hope: there was no way infestation would ever be allowed in Carla’s lifetime, if ever. At worst, it might expose Carla’s voluntary status to Andalites, or vengeful humans, especially if she was to get involved in campaigning for hosting Yeerks to be made legal, which it sounded very much like she was. 

“This is all your fault,” Alniss snapped eventually at Kalran, the only outlet for her frustration. “You put the idea in her head.”

Kalran sighed. “Alniss…”

“And where were you today?” she continued, ignoring Carla’s pleading look, Kalran’s clear exhaustion. “It can’t have been the Pool again, it’s too soon. Where did you take her that made her cry?”

“We went to see Illim,” Carla answered. “He’s another Yeerk from the movement: he’s working with a group of humans who want to campaign for voluntary infestation to be made legal. They thought I might want to work with them: Illim’s agreed to pass information between us.”

“And who are these humans?” Alniss was immediately suspicious. “Do you even know, Kalran? How do you know you can trust them?”

“I’ve met them all,” Kalran said. “Not with Carla,” she added hastily, “alone. And one of them is Sara, so at least in her case I know better than anyone except Sara herself how much she can be trusted. Don’t ever tell her I said that, though.”

Alniss could feel her breathing coming in rapid hisses. “Perhaps, although she clearly hates Carla. It’s not exactly going to be easy for them to work together, is it? Who are the others?”

Kalran hesitated, exchanging a look with Carla. “I’d rather not say.”

What little was left of Alniss’ patience finally snapped. “This is my host!” She pushed herself to her feet and strode over to Kalran. “Or as good as. I have a right to know!”

“Alniss!”

Alniss turned: it was Carla who had spoken, her voice much louder than normal.

“Alniss, please, just calm down. We’ll tell you, if you promise not to go nuts about it. You’re… you’re starting to scare me.”

That hurt. Alniss turned towards her. “Carla… you don’t need to be afraid of me, surely?”

“I don’t mean it like that,” Carla said quickly. “I just… I don’t understand why you’re so angry.”

Alniss stared at her for a few minutes, her breathing fast and her stomach twisted with fear. Carla’s expression became more and more anxious, occasionally glancing across at Kalran before returning to meet her eyes.

“Alniss? Alniss, say something!”

“Fine! I’m terrified, Carla! Every day when you get on the bus, when you go anywhere, I wonder if you’ll ever come back, or if someone will recognise you and… and…” Alniss broke off, looking down at the floor. She couldn’t finish that sentence, or she’d cry. “Don’t you understand? I can’t lose you… not you, too.”

There was a long silence. Alniss didn’t dare look up, keeping her eyes on a piece of fluff on the carpet. She barely registered footsteps moving towards her, so she jumped a little as she felt arms wrap around her tightly. Alniss reached blindly for Carla’s shoulders.

“I’m safe, Alniss. I’m right here.”

Hot tears began to make their way down Alniss’ cheeks. She tried to force them back, ashamed of her weakness. She couldn’t help feeling that she should be looking after Carla, not the other way around. 

“Schrellatie,” Kalran said uncertainly from somewhere near Alniss’ shoulder.

“You can’t help,” Alniss muttered. “Most of this is your fault in the first place.”

There was silence for a while, then Alniss heard Kalran’s footsteps withdraw, heading towards the door. With effort, Alniss forced herself to pull back from Carla.

“Don’t leave yet, Kalran. I want to know exactly who these involuntaries are.”

“I can tell you,” Carla said quietly, glancing uncertainly between the pair of them. “Sara, Illim’s host Adam and some people called Huan, Alma and Kelly, who I don’t really know, and…” Carla trailed off for a few seconds, twisting her hands together anxiously. “And Elsa.”

Alniss stumbled over nothing, her legs feeling like they had suddenly failed her. Her first instinct was to think it was her host contesting control, to clamp down on the movement, before she realised this was her own true body. “Elsa?” 

A slow nod was her only answer.

“How… what… how can you even consider… Carla, in the name of the Kandrona, what can you possibly be thinking?”

“Actually, Elsa’s the one who most wanted to work with Carla,” Kalran muttered. 

By all the great Pools, was she completely mad? How could any Yeerk be such a fool? “Yes, I’m sure she did, Kalran, because she clearly wants to get her alone and murder her! How can you not see that?”

“Alniss, I really don’t think she wants that.”

“You don’t think? You don’t think? Oh, you sound very certain, clearly certain enough to risk Carla’s life!”

“I haven’t met any of the humans,” Carla said quietly from next to Alniss’ shoulder. She’d come closer again without Alniss even noticing, taking the Yeerk’s hand as though to calm her down. “Only a peace movement Yeerk. I’ve been quite safe, Alniss, I promise.”

“And is he as utterly witless as this peace movement Yeerk?” Alniss snapped, glaring at Kalran. “No. This isn’t happening any more, do you understand me? Carla’s having no more meetings with any of them, Yeerk or human, and if you take her to the Pool again then I’m coming with you.”

Alniss had hoped her tone would be enough to make the other Yeerk back down, but clearly not.

“You can’t speak for Carla,” Kalran said softly. “It’s her decision, not yours.”

“Now is hardly the time to be discussing politics, Kalran,” Alniss retorted.

“Excuse me, but I am right here.” Alniss felt Carla release her hand, and there was a hard edge in the human’s tone that she’d never heard directed at her. “And I’m not politics.”

Alniss turned to look at her, her body feeling slow to move, lethargic, as though she was moving through the rapidly-thickening sludge of a Pool that was drying out. Carla’s jaw was set, her expression far harder than Alniss was used to seeing, but there was something deeply miserable in her eyes that tugged at Alniss’ heart.

“Carla… Carla, tamli… I didn’t mean it like that.”

Alniss’ focus was entirely on Carla, so she didn’t see Kalran’s eyes widen in surprise at her use of the Yeerkish endearment.

“Then how did you mean it, exactly?”

“It’s… why does she have to bring all of that peace movement stuff into every conversation? All I’m doing is trying to protect you, I’m not hurting you, am I? And she still has to remind us all what a saint she is.”

Carla hesitated for a long time before she answered. Alniss could see her lips beginning to form words, only to stop before any sound came through them. Eventually, she whispered: “you… you are hurting me. A little.”

Sickness flared in Alniss’ stomach, and she felt her face flush with distress and shame. If Silrin could see this… Alniss had promised herself she’d take care of her sister’s host as though she were her own, and now…

“Tell me what you want me to do,” Alniss managed eventually. “I’m so sorry, I…”

“Hey,” Carla said quickly, her expression alarmed. “it’s okay. It’s nothing important, I just… I just want you to listen, to hear me out.”

“Okay,” Alniss whispered, surprised at herself, at how easily the fight had been taken out of her. There was a voice inside her mind whispering that she was weak, that she shouldn’t let a host affect her like this, but Alniss pushed it away, recognising it as the ghost of Empire propaganda. She could no more refuse Carla than cut off her own arm. She sunk back onto the sofa, and watched as Carla followed suit, lowering herself into a squashy armchair.

“Alniss, I… this is something I can do that’s worthwhile, you know? It must be hard for the Yeerks down there, especially when so many of their siblings, mates, their friends can’t properly talk to them. And… and I really miss having another mind in my own. My thoughts… sometimes they get very dark, and Silrin used to be able to help.”

Empathy twisted like a knife inside Alniss’ heart. “Isn’t there anything I can do?”

“Hell, yes! Alniss, you do so much everyday, I don’t think you realise what just having you around does to help, let alone everything you’ve done to keep me fed and warm and safe. But I… I would like to be a host again. And even if this doesn’t work out, it would give me something useful to do.”

“You are useful,” Alniss protested. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Kalran nodding in agreement. 

“Thanks. Anyway, I really want to do this… but I don’t want to frighten you.”

Alniss nodded. “It’s so dangerous…”

“Is there anything that would convince you it was safe?” Kalran asked.

Alniss felt her irritation returning and rolled her eyes, a human gesture she’d slowly picked up over the last year. “Is there anything that would convince me it is safe for Carla to meet a bunch of hostile involuntaries, and probably announce herself as a voluntary host to a whole bunch of other humans through campaigning? Is that seriously a question you are asking?”

Kalran sighed deeply, glancing across hopelessly at Carla. “Will you at least think about it?”

“I don’t need to think about it. The answer’s no.”

Kalran sighed. Much more worryingly, Alniss felt Carla slump down beside her, and could see the human’s miserable expression when she looked at her.

“You can carry on visiting the Pool,” Alniss said quickly, desperate to cheer her up. “I’ll come with you. And… and I suppose you can campaign anonymously; writing to people or something. But I can’t risk you meeting any humans who might hurt you. You understand that, don’t you?”

Carla nodded, but didn’t meet Alniss’ eyes. Alniss watched her concernedly in the long silence that followed; her instructions seemed to have distressed Carla more than she was expecting, but her first priority was to keep Carla safe, even if Carla disagreed with the measures she took to do that.

“Have you been to the Pool since you morphed?” Carla asked eventually, breaking the tense silence that had developed in the room.

The question surprised Alniss, who had begun to expect an argument against her decision. “No. I suppose I was lucky; none of my siblings were allergic to the technology. Perhaps it’s genetic in some way; you said there were quite a few of Oglud’s spawning who had the same problem, Kalran?” 

Kalran nodded. “Yes. That’s some comfort to them, at least.”

“They need it,” Carla muttered. “It’s awful down there, Alniss, you’ll see when you come. The Andalites were horrible to Kalran and Ilkiss, and they won’t even let…” she trailed off, rephrasing what she was about to say. “They only get twenty minutes every two weeks. It’s… it’s ridiculous.”

Alniss wanted to say she had little sympathy for Yeerks who had chosen to betray their species to the Andalites and Animorphs in the war, but it wasn’t helpful for Carla to hear the tension between her and Kalran… well, between all of them and Kalran, really. Tafnik and Hallim got on with Kalran reasonably well, Tafnik because he was the sort of person who liked everyone, and Hallim… well, Alniss wasn’t quite sure why. But Alniss had hardly been able to bear Kalran’s presence in a room when she’d first found out she was a traitor, and Menhal had struggled too.

Instead of saying any of this, Alniss simply nodded.

“It’s just through a computer terminal, too,” Carla added, her voice gradually getting louder as she warmed to the theme. “It’s just not enough.”

Kalran shifted uncomfortably. “I- I’m luckier than many,” she murmured, glancing across fearfully at Alniss.

Her words made a sharp pang of pain shoot through Alniss’ gut.

“Oh,” Carla said softly. “I’m sorry, Alniss, I didn’t mean…”

Carla’s hesitant touch on her hand calmed her somewhat. “I’m okay,” Alniss managed. “And I agree, it doesn’t sound like enough time. My role in the Empire was separate from my mates’ for quite a while; we fed together every cycle, but it still seemed like far too little contact. For schrelna, too… it wasn’t enough time. I don’t know how you manage with twenty minutes.”

“So… don’t you think we should try and change it?” Carla asked, looking up at her hopefully.

Oh. There it was, then. Alniss had been sure the sudden change of subject was too good to be true. “Yes, if we can, but not at risk to you, Carla. How could I live with myself if you got hurt, or worse?”

Carla looked down at the floor. “I understand,” she whispered dejectedly.


	18. Chapter 18

It was a beautiful day. The sun sparkled off the sea, and the sand on the beach was pleasantly warm even through a towel. Kalran tried to focus on only these sensory pleasures as she lay down, stretching her limbs out and letting them soak up the sun, but it was difficult. She’d had a lot on her mind over the last week, and the similarity of sunbathing to absorbing Kandrona was hard to ignore.

“You cheering up a bit now?” Sara asked from beside her. Her words might be casual, but Kalran could hear an undercurrent of worry in them.

“Yes. It’s a lovely day, and it’s so kind of Kelly and Elsa to invite us.” Kalran felt Sara shift beside her at those words. 

“You don’t sound that enthusiastic. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” Kalran repeated, not wanting to worry her host further. “How are you, anyway? Any news on the dating front?” She turned her head to look at Sara, lifting a hand to shield her eyes from the dazzling sun. The question was sure to distract her, Kalran had chosen it for that reason, and was proved right when Sara flushed a deep scarlet.

“You know, one of the many advantages of being free now is that I can keep secrets from you. Not that I would have wanted to be dating with you in my head, anyway. Eww.”

“I’m very flattered,” Kalran said sarcastically. “Anyway, something must be happening, unless you’ve just got amazingly rapid sunburn.”

Sara went still redder. “I… um… I sort of… there is someone.”

“Oh?” Kalran lifted her head, propping it up in the palm of her hand. “Am I going to get any more information than that?”

Sara smiled, looking down at the sand. “He’s called Lee.”

Kalran waited for a few moments. When nothing more was forthcoming, she asked: “how long have you been seeing each other?”

“About two months,” Sara muttered, still bright red but smiling. “You’d like him. He’s studying for a Chemistry PhD.”

Kalran nodded. “Sounds good. Obviously it would be better if it was Biology, clearly a superior subject, but I can accept Chemistry.”

Sara grinned at her. “Because of course I’m famous for needing your approval.”

Kalran smiled back. “I’m happy for you, Sara.”

Her host nodded. “I know. I wouldn’t be able to do this if it weren’t for you.”

Kalran frowned, puzzled. “How do you mean? If anything, I’ve got in the way. All those dates I turned down.”

“All two of them, you mean. I wouldn’t be free to do this without you, that’s what I mean. There’d still be…”

Sara trailed off, clearly unable to suppress the shudder that ran through her body at the thought of infestation. Kalran felt her insides squeeze with guilt.

“I’m so sorry, Sara.”

Sara shook her head firmly. “I’ve told you, you don’t need to keep saying that. It wasn’t your fault, not really, and you more than made up for it by the end. Anyway, it’ll be different when it doesn’t mean being part of the Empire. I hope so, anyway.”

“Do you mean if you took Oglud?” At Sara’s nod, Kalran continued determinedly. “We’ve had this conversation. I know how much you hate it, and I won’t let you hurt yourself. Even if it ever were to be allowed.”

“I couldn’t just leave them there,” Sara responded. “Oglud’s done a lot for all of us.”

“You wouldn’t be leaving them there. There’s someone else who’s offered to take her, you know. Someone who doesn’t hate being Controlled.”

The two of them had had this conversation many times, so Sara’s responses had seemed automatic, almost rehearsed, until now. “Who?” she said, fixing her eyes on Kalran, evidently surprised.

Kalran hesitated for a few moments before replying. “Carla.”

Her host snorted, rolling her eyes with a sneer. “I should have guessed.”  
“Sara, do you think you could try to…”

“No.”

Kalran sighed, recognising from the set of Sara’s jaw that it was useless to pursue the topic. Not that the two humans were ever likely to meet again, anyway. Carla had accepted Alniss’ ultimatum almost without question, and while she was still going to write anonymously to anyone she could, she’d point-blank refused to see Illim again when Kalran had asked her privately whether she’d consider it. That wasn’t a problem, not really- Kalran had little hope that anything anyone did would ever get infestation made legal, but she was very worried about this week’s visit to the Pool. Alniss would be accompanying them, and once she saw what things were like Kalran was afraid she’d ban Carla from visiting. Oglud would be distraught…

Kalran’s worrying was interrupted by the return of Elsa and Kelly, their hair dripping from the water. Elsa flopped down onto her purple towel, which was next to Kalran’s. “You guys should come in, the water’s lovely. Lots of very colourful fish, Kal. Just remember to lift your head up occasionally and breathe while you’re staring at them.”

“You have to breathe?” Kalran joked, widening her eyes in mock shock. “So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong all this time.”

Elsa laughed. “What can I say? Us humans are tricky creatures.”

Kalran smiled at her. “You’re certainly very kind creatures. It was lovely of you to invite me today.”

“Our pleasure. Funny Yeerks are my favourite, anyway.”

“I’m not that funny. I’ve a flatmate who’s much funnier. He’s, er, not peace movement, though.” 

Thankfully, as Kalran was worried she’d said too much, that information didn’t seem to bother Elsa.

“Talking of flatmates,” she said in a quieter voice, glancing across at Sara and Kelly, who were deep in conversation, “how did it go the other day with Carla?”

There was a silence as Kalran struggled to decide how under the Kandrona to start with that. “Erm,” she said eloquently. 

“That well, huh?” Elsa turned her head towards Kalran, propping it up in one hand. Her ponytail, darkened with the water, hung down below her arm, almost brushing the towel.

“It was a bit awkward with Illim,” Kalran told her slowly, unsure how much to say. “But Carla did want to help. She even said she might be willing to meet with a politician or someone who would want to see evidence there were willing hosts, even if you guys were there. But… well, something made her change her mind. She’s going to write anonymously, though.”

Elsa frowned. “What made her change her mind? Do you know?”

Kalran nodded. “Don’t get mad, please.”

“Why? Was it my letter? It was so hard to get right, but I thought…”

“No. She hasn’t even read it… it was Alniss.”

Kalran pushed herself up into a sitting position, and Elsa followed suit, the two turning to face each other.

“Alniss…” Elsa murmured, her eyes looking up towards the sky as though trying to search inside her own mind for a half-forgotten memory. “Why does that name ring a bell?”

“She’s Silrin’s sister,” Kalran said gently, watching her companion’s face carefully. She wasn’t sure what effect the reminder of the war would have on Elsa. Elsa’s expression stayed relaxed, however.

“Oh, yes, I remember. Is that how Carla ended up with you guys, then? Because of Alniss?”

Kalran nodded, and Elsa’s face shifted into an amused expression.

“Aww. That’s almost sweet.”

“Yeah, well, it’s about to get a lot less sweet,” Kalran muttered. “Alniss found out where we’d been, and she’s forbidden Carla from doing anything to help except write letters anonymously. Oh, and she can visit the Pool with us, but only if Alniss comes too, and Alniss has never been there before, when she sees what it’s like she’ll probably say no to that, too, and that would hurt Oglud and I don’t know how to prevent it-“

“Whoa,” Elsa said gently, laying her hand on Kalran’s shoulder. “You don’t know that’s what will happen. Do you even know whether Carla’s going to listen to Alniss?”

“She’s told me herself.”

Elsa looked discomforted for the first time. “You’re right, it’s not so sweet anymore. Didn’t she even try…” she stopped, shaking her head. “Sorry, I’m slipping into judgement there. Is there any way we can get Alniss to change her mind? You’d think she’d want to help her fellow Yeerks… why did she even say no in the first place?”

“She’s terrified for Carla’s safety,” Kalran replied. “I can understand that, at least. Alniss lost half the people who she was close to at the end of the war. Silrin, of course, but both her mates, too.”

The calm expression Elsa had been wearing throughout the conversation evaporated suddenly, and her face drained of colour. Kalran began to search through her mind for what she could possibly have said that would produce that level of reaction: surely Elsa couldn’t be that upset about Alniss losing her mates. Her thoughts were interrupted, however, when Elsa spoke.

“Silrin’s dead?” 

Her voice caught as she asked the question, and Kalran immediately felt awful. “Kandrona, I thought you knew,” she whispered. “I’m sorry, I’d never have said it so casually if I’d known.”

Elsa said nothing in response for a few seconds, staring at the sand between her toes in a way that suggested she was seeing something quite different. Just as Kalran was becoming worried enough to open her mouth, Elsa muttered: “I don’t even know how to react to that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise,” Elsa managed, slowly dragging her eyes up to look at Kalran. “You didn’t realise.” She paused for a while, opening her mouth and then closing it a couple of times as though unsure what to say next. Eventually she whispered: “how did it happen?”

“When they flushed the Pool ship,” Kalran said quietly.

Elsa looked sickened. “God. If you’d said I’d ever say this about her I’d have been sure you were insane, but poor, poor Silrin. She never deserved that.”

Kalran wasn’t sure what to say. Was Elsa grieving in some way, or was she just shocked? It was hard to tell, and Kalran had no idea how an ex-involuntary would usually react to news of their Yeerk’s death.

“And poor Alniss. They were really close, and to lose her mates as well… and Carla. She must be devastated.”

“She is,” Kalran replied, feeling she was on safer territory here. “I… I think that’s part of the reason why she won’t try harder to persuade Alniss, or go behind her back. They’ve become very close.”

“Yeah, of course. And this must turn Alniss’ annoying Yeerk over-protective thing up to eleven, losing so many other people.”

Despite the seriousness of the situation, a slight smile crept onto Kalran’s face. “Annoying Yeerk over-protective thing?”

“Oh, you know what I mean, right? Whenever one of the guards had injured me most of my Yeerks went nuts in a manner completely out of proportion to the inconvenience it caused them. Even the ones that were horrible to me got angry about it, I could feel it. I’m sure it must be some sort of Yeerk instinct.”

Kalran raised her eyebrows, surprised by Elsa’s insight. “Yes, I think it is. Not that the Empire would ever acknowledge it.”

“Right,” Elsa said slowly, absently twirling her fingers in the sand beside her, watching the little eddies she was creating. “So, we have to convince Alniss it’s safe. Any ideas on how?”

Sighing, Kalran shook her head. “Don’t you ever give up?”

“Nope. I’m a stubborn little laklat.” She looked up at Kalran, grinning. “I got called that a lot.”

That was not something it was comfortable to hear. Laklat was the most disrespectful way Kalran knew to refer to a host, a word that literally meant a dumb animal, and to hear Elsa use it on herself was deeply disturbing. “You shouldn’t call yourself that.”

“I’m reclaiming the word,” Elsa responded. “I don’t care, anyway. Idiotic Yeerks calling me names was the least of my problems. And don’t you dare say sorry,” she added quickly, for Kalran’s mouth had begun to open guiltily. “It wasn’t you.”

“What’s she apologising for this time?” Sara cut in from behind them.

Kalran turned her head to see Sara and Kelly both looking at them, and anxiously hoped they hadn’t overheard any more of the conversation.

“Yeerks insulting me,” Elsa answered, reaching across to rummage in the beach bag she’d brought with her. “Anyone want a soda?”

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blaze of sunlight and childish fun. Kalran did swim, finally managing to forget her worries as she gloried in the sparkling clear water and the rainbow of fish darting below her. Elsa had a spare snorkel and they swum out a little to some rocks where the marine life was excellent, starfish and sea urchins joining the fish and seaweed they’d already seen further in. When they returned to shore, Kalran further exhausted herself with a spirited game of volleyball, she and Sara easily beating Elsa and Kelly, mainly because of Elsa’s lack of hand-eye co-ordination.

“I could do this before I was infested,” Elsa groused when she missed the ball for the fifth time.

Kelly pushed her playfully on the shoulder. “That’s not gonna work on me. I knew you beforehand, remember?”

“How about ‘they’re too good a team because they’re Yeerk and host’?” Elsa pointed across at Kalran and Sara. “Can I blame the slugs if I do it that way?”

“Don’t call Kal a slug,” Sara interjeted. “Only I’m allowed to do that.”

“How cute.” Elsa smirked as she tossed the ball back towards them.

As the sun began to set, they packed up their things and made their way back across the dunes towards Kelly’s car. Kalran sneaked a glance at Elsa. She’d been lively enough for most of the afternoon, but she’d suddenly gone unusually quiet, looking out towards the sea as she walked as though in a world of her own.

Kelly’d evidently noticed, too. “You OK?”

There was no answer, nor any indication that she’d heard.

“Elsa!” Kelly called, louder this time.

Elsa turned her head towards them.

“Sorry,” she murmured. Her voice sounded strange. “I was just thinking.”

“I’ll get you a card,” Kelly joked, but her smile soon faded when Elsa failed to laugh. “What’s wrong?”

Elsa looked down at the sand beneath her feet. “I… I found something out today. It’s just a little unsettling, that’s all. Kal, can I call you later?”

Out of the corner of her eye, Kalran sensed Kelly and Sara’s puzzlement, but they said nothing, and Kalran kept her eyes fixed on Elsa.

“Of course,” Kalran said instantly, concern and guilt edging their way into her voice. “Can’t I do anything now?”

Elsa shook her head. “I’m fine.” With what seemed like some effort, she lifted her head and smiled at the other two. “Who’s up for calling at Pizza Hut on the way home?”

Kelly and Sara glanced concernedly at each other, but seemed to decide to leave it for now. “Sure.”


	19. Chapter 19

Author’s Note: credit for coming up with the word ‘tamli’ goes to Animorphgirl. This chapter took me a while and I’m still not entirely happy with it, but I hope you all enjoy anyway. Maybe at some stage I will go back and edit it if I think I can do a better job!

 

Carla yawned sleepily and rolled over in bed, the sounds of Alniss getting ready for work cutting into her dream, even though the Yeerk was clearly trying to be quiet. It didn’t take long for Carla’s sleepiness to evaporate, in spite of the late shift she’d had at work last night. The lateness of the hour hadn’t stopped Alniss walking to the bus stop with Menhal to pick her up. Carla normally felt guilty about those journeys, especially when it was a late shift and Alniss was at the café next morning, but last night it had been reassuring. Carla hadn’t been sure what might have changed between them after the argument between Alniss and Kalran, and it had been comforting that Alniss hadn’t changed in that at least.

Feeling wide awake, Carla cracked her eyes open. Alniss was brushing her long hair, bringing it up into a ponytail.

“Hi,” Carla said, slightly hesitant.

Alniss looked surprised as she turned towards her. “I’m sorry if I woke you up.”

“It’s okay. I’m not tired.” Carla pushed herself to a half-sitting position, resting the side of her head in one hand. She watched Alniss carefully as she finished tying up her ponytail and moved over to the dresser to pick up some earrings. Carla wanted to say something about the day before: after the conversation with Kalran she’d had little time to talk about anything before going to work, but she wasn’t sure how to bring the subject up.

“Are you alright?” Alniss, ever-perceptive, turned to look at her.

Carla looked away, towards the window. Bright sun was peeping around the edge of the yellow blind: it looked like another hot day.

“Carla?”

She heard Alniss step softly across the room, coming into her line of sight as she sat down on her own bed, nearer the window. 

“Yes,” Carla said slowly. “I just- about yesterday-“

“I don’t blame you,” Alniss interrupted quickly, her tone clearly implying who she did blame. 

Carla shifted uncomfortably. Kalran and Alniss had never got along particularly well, but she’d also never really seen them argue before… even when Sara’d been there it had been more an argument between Sara and Alniss, Kalran only stepping in to defend her host. She couldn’t understand what had made the two of them so hostile to each other… well, Alniss so hostile towards Kalran, at any rate.

“It wasn’t Kalran’s fault,” Carla said quietly, averting her eyes from Alniss’. “She wouldn’t want to put me in danger any more than you would.”

“Well, I don’t think she put you in danger deliberately,” Alniss conceded, though to Carla’s surprise her tone was a little hurt. “But…” Alniss hesitated, her voice dropping to a whisper. “You can’t imagine she’d care as much as I do?”

Carla snapped her eyes back to the Yeerk’s, surprised. “Well… no, I suppose not. But she still wouldn’t want me to get hurt. She wouldn’t risk it.”

“She’s also a fool,” Alniss snapped, her face contorting with anger. “A sympathiser who can’t see that any host, any human, might have less than noble motives. But to talk you into being involved, as well…”

“She didn’t talk me into it, Alniss. I wanted to do it, I wanted to help.”

The bed creaked as Alniss shifted her position, slumping down a little as she let out a sigh. “Why? It’s hopeless, Carla, there’s nothing to be gained from it.”

“There might be. Oglud’s lovely, you’ll like them. They deserve more than they’ve got.”

Alniss sneered. “Really? They’re part of the reason we’re in this mess in the first place.”

That stung Carla far more than she would have expected, the pain mixed with surprise at both Alniss and herself. She’d only met Oglud once… why would she be so bothered about someone insulting her?

“You get on fine with Kalran,” Carla argued, unable to keep a small amount of anger from creeping into her voice. “And you were the one who told me… who helped me understand… what happened in the war wasn’t the peace movement’s fault.”

The Yeerk looked unimpressed. “Not entirely their fault, no, and they never planned for there to be such massive loss of life. But they didn’t exactly help, did they? Some of them knew who the Animorphs were… if they’d only told the rest of us…”

Carla shifted uncomfortably, unsure how she felt about that. If that had happened… perhaps Silrin might still be alive, but everyone on Earth who wasn’t a voluntary host would be enslaved, which was hardly a comfortable thought. “Oglud might not have known who they were,” she said, unable to voice her deeper doubts, struggling to do so even inside her own mind. “Or Kalran,” she added, almost as an afterthought.

There was a long silence as Alniss studied her, her head leaning slightly to one side as she watched Carla’s face. Uncomfortable, Carla glanced away, looking down at the bedspread with its bright blue cover.

“Exactly how much have you spoken to Oglud?”

Carla looked back up, surprised by the tightness in Alniss’ tone. “Not much. Just once, for about fifteen minutes. Why?”

“And that’s the truth, is it? You’re not lying to me again?”

Carla’s eyes widened with shock and hurt. “Alniss…”

“Is that the truth, Carla?” Alniss repeated more insistently, though there was an uncertainty in her eyes that belied her harsh tone.

“Yes,” Carla said softly, some of her anger and hurt evaporating at the expression on Alniss’ face. “I’m sorry, about before. I should have told you the truth, after everything you’ve done for me.”

Alniss seemed mollified by this, and Carla let her tightened shoulders relax the tiniest bit. They sat in silence for a few moments, Carla watching Alniss turn over one of the earrings she’d not yet put on in her hand, watching the light move across its surface. As she watched her, she felt her guilt grow: Alniss clearly cared about her, was afraid for her… why had she lied to her, of all people? Carla couldn’t quite make sense of it, but something in her was nervous about Alniss knowing how close she already felt to Oglud. It hadn’t been fair to lie, though, not when Alniss cared about her so much.

“It’s alright,” Alniss said eventually. “I’m sorry if I’ve been… irritable… this morning. Yesterday was a lot for me to take in.”

“I know. I didn’t mean to frighten you, Alniss. I just wanted to… to have the chance to connect to a Yeerk again, that’s all.”

Alniss frowned again, apparently irritated by that. “I’m a Yeerk.”

Hesitating, Carla fiddled with the edge of the duvet, looking down at her hands. To point out that Alniss wasn’t, in fact, a Yeerk anymore would only inflame her further, but it wouldn’t be right just to accept that statement, either. “Yes,” she murmured eventually. “And you’ve done… do…. a lot for me. But you know what I mean… you… we can’t…”

There was a long silence. Concerned, Carla chanced a glance at Alniss, which did not reassure her in the slightest. The Yeerk looked deeply hurt, her eyes gleaming with unshed tears.

“Alniss, are you okay?”

The Yeerk nodded, though her miserable expression contradicted it. “I just… I wish I could help you in the way you need me to, tamli.”

Carla frowned slightly. It hadn’t escaped her notice that Alniss had used the same word yesterday, nor its significance. She could still remember the first time Silrin had used it, soothing her during a particularly bad panic attack when she’d been infested nearly six months. Silrin had told her that it was an endearment for one’s host that indicated a strong bond. Soon afterwards, her Yeerk had begged her never to reveal to anyone that she’d used it. Tamli, Silrin had explained, was a taboo word in the Empire because it had connotations of host sympathy. Her Yeerk had sounded so frightened that Carla had instantly agreed never to say a word to anyone, a promise she had kept up until now.

“I know what that word means,” Carla murmured. “Silrin used to call me that.”

Alniss smiled slightly. “I don’t doubt it.” Seeing Carla’s expression, her smile faded. “Is it too much?”

Hesitatingly, Carla looked at her. “I.. it did surprise me a little to hear it.”

Alniss was quiet for a few moments. “I’m sorry,” she said eventually.

“No, no, don’t be. I don’t mind you saying it.” The second sentence wasn’t entirely true: it felt very strange for anyone but Silrin to refer to her in that way, but Alniss was upset enough without Carla making things any worse.

“You’re sure?” Alniss said doubtfully, frowning at her as though she could read Carla’s uncertainty.

“Yes.” 

Alniss glanced away again. “Maybe you should ask Oglud if they mind me calling you that.” The bitterness in her tone was obvious to Carla.

“Are you… jealous?” Carla asked hesitantly.

“Of course not,” Alniss snapped back instantly, the response too quick for Carla’s liking, as though the Yeerk had been expecting the question. “Why would I be jealous of a Yeerk who’s trapped in the Pool when I have my own eyes and ears and body, when I can move in the world as I choose?”

“Sorry,” Carla said quickly. “Of course not.” Privately, though, she reflected that Alniss actually had quite a lot to be jealous of: while Oglud’s situation was difficult, both her mates were still alive, Oglud could interact with many of her siblings in the way a Yeerk should, and there might one day be a chance for her to take a host again, something that was forever beyond Alniss’ reach. And if that host was her… well, it was clear Alniss was at least uncomfortable with Oglud and Carla’s relationship.

“I don’t want you to put too much hope into this, that’s all,” Alniss added more gently, perhaps realising how much she’d shown of her true feelings. “It will never happen, you do realise that, don’t you?”

Carla nodded. “I know. We’ll still go and see them at the Pool, though, won’t we?” Carla hoped Alniss wouldn’t go back on that promise, nor on her desire to accompany Carla. She still hoped that once Alniss saw what conditions were like there, she might relent and let Carla do something to help.

Alniss nodded. “Of course. I’ve already arranged everything with Kalran, we’re going next week.”

“You did that fast.”

“I didn’t want you to think I might not let you go. I can see how important it is to you.”

Carla looked across at her again and smiled. She’d been feeling an increased sense of unease as their debate had continued, worrying that Alniss might start to dislike her, so the reminder that Alniss still cared about her was very welcome. “I don’t want to upset you, either,” she said cautiously. “You’ll always be important to me, you know that?”

The Yeerk nodded in reply, smiling back at her. “Likewise.” She lifted the hand that was resting on the bed to glance at her watch. “I’m sorry, I really should be going to work… will you be…”

“I’ll be fine,” Carla interrupted, trying to make her voice as reassuring as possible. “You really shouldn’t worry so much.”


End file.
